Massive row with my mum

[Nikitasol]

I've just had a horrific row with my mother. We have both said some things that can't be unsaid and she's stormed off. I'm really bawling. She's not the sort of person to ever apologise which is pretty much why we ended up having the row in the first place.

As a result I guess I'm going to have to make amends but it was pretty nasty so I'm not sure how to even begin with that one.

On top of it like total chavs, we were screaming at each other in the street. I live in a quiet cultural de sac with only three other houses. I feel like THAT neighbour!

Where to begin to manage the damage?

What was it that brought on this row........

She said she'd come and give me at hand at 3 lifting some stuff as I've got sciatica. She turned up 3 hours late without messaging me and I had to do it on my own and nearly passed out. In her defence she was looking after dc but she flipped immediately about me calmly saying that I was upset that she hadn't let me know as I could have found help elsewhere.

It made me feel like i can't ever just say how I feel to her without her flipping out. That's the routine pretty much with her

Is that unreasonable of me? I'm leaning on them a fair bit at the moment due to leaving controlling ex (dc dad) but now feel like I need to withdraw and not involve them at all. I feel like all her offers of help are not authentic. And now I feel like a pain in the arse

Does she do this sort of thing a lot, then?

It takes less than a minute to send a text to let you know she's running late. I would be really annoyed too. You certainly shouldn't be apologising for pointing that out and it sounds like she's the one crossed the line. Hope your ok. It's hard when people let us down, especially when it's close family that we should be able to rely on.

She was looking after your children but you also wanted her to come and help you move things?
Do you think there is a chance you were unreasonable here?

She is probably worried about you and your dc OP. I do feel yabu she had your dc for you and you know what it is like when you are looking after them . They want to finish watching stuff or finish this page or this part of the game I am playing. I don;t know ho w old she is but if she is menopausal then she is not feeling great herself I expect. I know sciatica is really painful but .... I think you need to ring her up and say you are sorry .

I understand that hence wondering if I was being unreasonable. The thing is that she was the one who offered to come and help in the first place. I was calm about saying it would have helped if she'd have just let me know.

She's always really late for everything anyway so I shouldn't have relied on her really but she is always very defensive and reacts by flipping out to often really simple things do its nigh on impossible to discuss anything with her. Which is exhausting.

I've called earlier both home phone and her mobile but no answer.

She was looking after your children and she came over to help you move something.

I get that the lateness without letting you know was annoying but I can understand why she was annoyed with you for moaning at her. She was doing you two big favours.

I think if you want people to help you, you need to be a bit more grateful and appreciative and a bit less critical.

Was this a time crucial thing or could you have actually just waited until it was convenient for her?

You can withdraw and not involve them at all if you want to but really you need them don't you?

She's probably thinking about withdrawing all her help and support from you, right now.

I'd be practising my abject apology if I were you.

She had your dc and you wanted her to bring them back and help you?

I'm not getting it?

She was looking after your children.

I get that you are in severe pain from sciatica. Ideally then of course she should have messaged you to say she would be late, but she didn't.

I actually think that both of you are being unreasonable and should apologise to each other. Your pain is probably influencing your behaviour. She had probably felt stressed looking after your children.

It could be six of one and half a dozen of the other.

I don't see why she should be the one apologising. Perhaps she had her hands full with the children? Is she working as well as looking after the dc? Did you actually phone her to see if she was ok since she was so late? (your comment about phone calls seems to suggest that you called her after the event). If she is generally running late, then why assume she would be on time on this occasion? You seem to take a lot for granted, tbh.

Could you not have waited to move the items?

It does sound as though she has a lot on her own plate as well as trying to support you. I suggest not relying on her so much and being a little less inward looking and try to find out what her state of mind is. Perhaps she is very stressed too? Perhaps it's making her very defensive hence her overreaction?

Did the things need to be moved at three? You know she has a habit of being late. Ok, it is annoying that people are late and yes she could have text but to be fair she had your dc. I think you need to be a bit more patient and grateful with her.

Are you my sister? Because she sounds like my mother! She would try the patience of a saint. Say Boo to her? She's gone off on one. Honestly. She drives me around the twist.