How do you get a crush out of your head.

[bewise]

Married with three children. Dh is a wonderful man and we do have a happy marriage. We have a decent sex life too!

So it comes as a complete surprise that I have a crush on another man. We share a hobby so I see him weekly but never alone. I detect a hint of mutual appreciation but there is no flirting and never any boundaries crossed. I wouldn't cheat, I love dh too much.

I suppose I'm at an exciting yet vulnerable time in my life. I had very low self-esteem when my kids were babies and due to an abusive upbringing.

My hobby has got me into shape, I've lost weight, it's given me confidence. I'm 39 so mid-life! I'm getting back into myself! Yet I know a crush or an approving look can be a real boost but what a cliche!

I feel guilty having a crush. Obviously about dh but also that I'm thinking about another woman's man in this way!

I am transferring some of these feelings into my marriage. So being more flirty with dh, showing more affection. Buying sexy underwear!

But, But, but I can't help thinking about my crush and looking forward to seeing him

Help! Am I awful?! It's blown my myth that a perfect marriage means you only ever have eyes for each other.

Will reiterate that I never want anything to happen with any other man but I just want these thoughts out of my head.

You can't help your feelings, only the way you react to them.

Is the underwear really for your DH, or did some part of you hope that it might be for this other man?

The best way to deal with crushes is avoid the person (if possible) and they'll go away on their own. Otherwise, you just have to exercise self-control.

No the underwear was not for my crush! I still have the hots for dh. And I actually would die with embarrassment at the thought of another man seeing my wobbly bits!

I suppose the feelings the crush have given me have made me feel sexier and I've focused that into my marriage.

I don't want to give up my hobby!

You can only be condemned for what you do - not what is in your head, or we might all be condemned. Just let it pass!

Indeed!

Maybe I should just allow myself to indulge the thoughts in my head then. It's a nice fantasy!

That's why I don't understand affairs. The reality could never live up to it! I'm sure it would just be sordid, embarrassing and of course ruin lives.

When I was a teenager I used to have long, drawn out fantasies about teachers, pop stars etc. I think in a way I'm just reconnecting to that part of myself after so many years feeling invisible and ugly and useless at everything except having babies.

My dh has always been so encouraging and supportive but as you know, three kids and routine and grind means that initial obsession and spark takes a back seat.

I think I really need to work at that and maybe this crush is showing what has been lacking. Not love or even sex but spontaneity, feeling adored etc.

I don't even really fantasize about my crush in a sexual way. I fantasise about him paying me attention, asking about my life etc. I think this could actually be a wake up call to not taking my marriage for granted and giving dh more attention and appreciation too.

Agree with avoiding being with him especially being alone with him and thought blocking if you find yourself thinking about him. Agree re trying to have more child free couple time with your husband as well.

But to avoid being with him at all, I'd have to give up my hobby and not see the other lovely friends in that group. I'm never alone with him and can't think of any scenario where I would be. He did once offer me a lift to an event linked to our hobby, in total innocence, but I got my dh to take me and pick me up! I'm actually quite shy, nervous being on my own with people I don't know well, especially men. Although I've fantasised about being alone, I don't think I'd actually want to if the opportunity arose if that makes any sense!

There is a social at Christmas but a big group going.

Thought blocking might work but not easy

I wouldn't give up the hobby just avoid being too near him in it

Is there another group you can join?

I had similar, but wasn't in a relationship went with it (it didn't live up to the reality) then has to not have any contact until the crush went away,

Even if I Seen him now, it wouldn't take much to reignite the crush,

Biggest advice is don't take it amy further

Imagine him having chronic, epic, heaving diarrhoea (really, really picture it). Then leaving you to clean it up. Swallowing pigeon vomit. Having surprisingly racist views. You get the idea!

He's just a fantasy at the moment, think about what you'd honestly want your husband to do (including dropping the hobby for a while if necessary) and do that.

I'll continue hobby for now. It's been so good for me in so many ways.

I'll thought block, imagine the diarrhoea etc! He's not even that sexy, my dh is much better looking!

If it doesn't pass or intensifies, I'll consider leaving or changing group.

When I say intensify, I mean in my head. I definately wouldn't act on it. Besides staying true to my marriage, I don't want to be a mid-life cliche!

Will there ever be an opportunity for you to meet his OH? I had a crush on a guy on work many years ago then another colleague got married and he was there with his wife, we Sat at the same table and she was so lovely, we got on really well... Not surprisingly her becoming "real" in my head quashed any attraction I had to him immediately

Yes meeting his wife could work! I bet she's lovely. Not sure if it will happen. We do talk about our spouses and that brings some reality to it.

It's just a silly crush argh. And seeking validation of still being attractive etc. I am a cliche!

I think fantasy is very powerful actually. And we all need a little of it when life is a drudge. But fantasy and reality don't match up! The real is of course, the commitment and your marriage through the good and bad.

Maybe work on your self-esteem? It would be a real shame for a marriage to break down for the sake of fleeting validation. I know you say you would never cheat, but things can happen given the opportunity.

I think my self-esteem has improved because of said hobby. It's a sport. But Yes, not needing external validation would help.

I honestly can never imagine actually cheating

What's the hobby.

Oh crushes can be very intense. You have to consciously change and challenge your thought processes over this. It will dissipate. Mine did but boy, did it take over my life at the time.

I'm also curious about what the sport is! Nothing to feel guilty about and you sound lovely and very sensible. Maybe it'll help out a bit of spark back into your marriage as you said. If you find yourself obsessing or pushing a little at the boundaries then it would be a worry, but otherwise I'm sure it happens in most marriages at some point.

I'm quite an intense and obsessive person about everything! But No, I've not pushed any boundaries. Only in my head! As I said, he offered me a lift once. An hour in the car alone! But I gave a lame excuse and got my dh to drive me! Not because I thought I'd try something, god No, I was just horrified about being alone with a man I didn't know well and was crushing on!

I actually think this could be a positive wake up call. It's a real eye opener to discover that you can find other people attractive. Perhaps my dh has too?! But you never do anything about it and you work on what might be causing it.

Dh came in from work and said he'd seen an old couple on the train. Still in love and travelling together. He said he could see us doing that.

And there it is. What love really is. Growing old together. Sticking at it. I could never throw that away. I do know rationally that crushes are fantasies.

Maybe I'm at that stage in life where I feel I've dedicated and given so much of myself up for my family that I want to let loose a bit and rediscover the fun side. But that does not mean an affair. The crush is just exploring the parts of myself lost for so long I think. But as long as it's just in my head fine.

This could be a positive thing. I'm sure the crush will fade and I'll have lived and learned.

I am still fun and sexy and adventurous. But that can be expressed without betrayal and heartache.

My crushes never fade haha..as pps said I'd say meet his wife or stop going if you get obsessive like I can do. Only not seeing them gets them off my mind.

Being lighthearted - Not to lower the tone or be negative however I slept with a crush over 5 years ago and apart from being very uncomfortable being seen naked by anyone it was the best sex I've ever had and still think about it often.

This makes current crushes harder to deal with as I dont default to thinking they would be terrible.....

Oh my God redrose NOOOOO DO NOT SAY THAT !!!!
Ahahaha now I want him more!! this is terrible!! I'll be seeing my crush tomorrow!!
Did you end up dating or was the sex it?

Haha sorry bluesky I didnt want to say anything! It was very complicated and still is.

I see a current crush every day and it brigthens up the day a little We have never even spoken though so I feel safe nothing could ever happen.

I am being tongue in cheek , obviously the advice around focusing on DH and not being alone is all correct . You have great restraint turning down the lift .