PTSD after divorce - is this actually possible? I can't get going, advice needed.

[Teabay]

Hi there,
After divorcing my WN (narc) EA (abusive) exh last year I have lost my mojo. It was me that initiated it but he has been /is a mean, cruel bastard and uses the DC (primary aged) a lot.
I am on constant alert for the next awful thing to happen and I can't get going. I don't recognise myself anymore.
Help me - is this normal?

I think PTSD after divorce, or something similar must surely be a thing. the breakdown of a relationship is major – it's somebody you loved becoming somebody you don't know (in a lot of situations) and him turning nasty over your DS must be so hard to deal with.

My DH (or Dear Fuck Face Wanker) left me and our almost one year old two months ago after I rumbled his really poor excuse for an affair with a girl who was 10 years younger than him! ARSEHOLE!

The shock of it (although I now see it wasn't that much of a shock, he'd been acting disgracefully for ages) has made me feel like somebody else. I look at our wedding pictures from 3 years ago and wonder who the hell the bride in the photos is. I feel like I've aged about twenty years. I just don't feel like me. Becoming a single mummy is a complete change of identity, so it's normal, I think to not feel like yourself for a while. You will though –and you'll be stronger for it.

That said, are you getting the right help? Do you have some time to set aside to do some stuff that will make you feel like you? Stuff you know you liked doing before things turned crap? Is it worth speaking to your GP and maybe seeing if you can be referred for counseling to help with the stress of your ex's continuing bad behavior and coming to terms with things?

I've found going for a run (I ran pre baby) gives me a real boost and even though I don't feel like it, ringing a friend just for a quick chat lifts me. Left on my own I feel like a pile of crap a lot of the time, just lost and like I don't know what to do with myself. I hope that stops eventually. Stay strong, and in the words of John Lennon, everything will be alright in the end, and if it's not alright, it's not the end.

I have PTSD after 20 odd years of being controlled and emotionally and physically abused. Currently waiting for trauma counselling.

Hi teabay yes i reckon it is - in my experience the abuse doesn't stop with the decree absolute - it continues via the kids, via the cms, anything and everything that can be used to get at you and make things hard when they could be easy even "hurting" the kids in the process.

See if you can get some counselling via your GP - i have found that RL support wears a bit thin now that the divorce is through.

If you use psychiatric diagnostic criteria either DSM or ICD then no.

That's not to say you can't feel traumatised and have effects but trauma related symptoms are really common and completely natural.

PTSD is very different.

Unless you experienced physical abuse like Gilead, which would potentially fulfil the criteria.

Thank you everyone.

I don't know the criteria for PTSD, but you sound traumatised and exhausted - life is meant to go on after divorce but as you're keenly experiencing, you go from one stressful situation straight into another more insidious one. The long term effects of stress will leave you, physically and mentally, just as you describe. While you may still have to deal with your ex you need to now focus on getting yourself stronger - you need a period of recovery. Could you get some RL counselling support? See your GP? Focus on eating well, getting as much rest as you can. Even look into some supplements that can provide some support for your body. I know that all sounds a bit simplistic! But you're worn out and you need to retrieve yourself. I say all this as someone who hasn't been through similar but someone close to me has. Her ex put her through hell when he left and during the divorce process and it's only now that she's 'free' that she's dealing with the physical fallout. So yes, I would imagine this is a very normal reaction! Take some control of your own wellbeing and you'll be better able to deal with all the other crap. I wish you all the very best x

Yes you can get a version of it called Complex post traumatic stress disorder or C- PTSD
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Agree with pp you can be traumatised after abuse but it's very different to PTSD which had specific criteria to fit

Trauma counselling maybe useful for you.
I had a lot of counselling after my divorce, but not trauma focussed
However my PTSD treatment was very very different

Teabay you have been through a lot. Probably walking on eggshells all the time, so not yo set him off. It is normal for your body and mind to seek a release and to zoom out for a while, to the point that it is affecting your everyday life.
Don't underestimate the impact of abuse. Yes it is traumatic.
I got EMDR (eye movement reprocessing therapy) through my GP and it really helped me get back on track, recovering from trauma.

Tea it's normal. You have been through a lot. Therapy helped me to split, deal and then nc with my narc ex.

I would say it took me a good four years to get back to me, the real me.

Now I have that weird cognitive dissonance thing going on, apparently that is also normal. Xxx

Thanks jeaux. (Great name).

Tea. How you doing? I wanted to say to you that as weird as this sounds that exercise really helped me. (And therapy of course)

I took up swimming but it can be anything. The endorphins really helps. Even if it's just yoga or something gentle.

Do you also have a close friend or two or family that you spend any time with?

By the way, the cognitive dissonance I have now is way better than what I felt before. I felt traumatised. I guess it was like being wrapped in cling film. Everything was muffled. So don't be worried about moving onto the stage I'm at, it's just like feeling the person 6 years ago wasn't me.

Oh and Acupuncture also helped. A lot.

Good to hear from you Jeaux, your replies make sense to me.
I resigned from my job earlier this year and tomorrow I start a much simpler, part time job. I am anxious that I won't be able to do this job - but there's a small part of me knows I just need to get stuck in.
I'm just sooo up and down, just when I think I'm OK I'm not, iyswim.

I'm just not sure where I've gone! Is nearly two years since I told ex WN that things weren't ok and almost a year since decree absolute - it's simultaneously flown by and taken ages.

It definitely is a thing. Someone I know has just been diagnosed with this after a terribly abusive marriage.

Not feeling ready for the new job or feeling anxious is ok. The thing you should feel proud of is that you are doing it anyway. After all the erosion of your confidence that happened in your past, you are clawing it back.

The time going slowly and yet quick, I relate to that especially now. Some of it feels like yesterday, except I have moved on so much. But it also feels like it happened to someone else.

Tea, it takes time. Make sure you limit contact with him as much as possible. Stick to logistics and facts about dc only. I am full nc but I guess I'm lucky.

I still get angry sometimes. But its less and less. I guess it's because I forgave him because you have to feel sorry for them. They are hollow shells of beings who hate themselves. But you, you can love your dc without condition. He will never feel that.

Stay as strong as you can. It will grow. X

I have it after a brutal divorce/marriage breakup. Diagnosed all proper like by proper doctors. However that said, there are other factors at play that have fed into it.

Despite counselling at the time, it is now affecting other organs so I'm getting a ton of treatment. Who knew it escapes from your head !?!

I thought maybe a year after the divorce ended, I'd be recovered. I'm now two and a half years later, and just discovered my PTSD is getting worse not better.

I've recently accepted that it's not just like a bout of depression that you can say "this too shall pass". It stealthily and silently gets worse.

Get help, even if it's not PTSD, some therapy is unlikely to do you any harm!

I started counselling the same time the break up began - it's costing me thousands but it's no underestimation to say it's saved my life.

other organs. ??

Another one who had counselling at the time and has continued to have it off & on - wouldn't have got through without it

well I'm curious re other organs too!

I have been under dermatology for the last couple of years - had a rash all over body and then came up in ulcer like sores - this too has been linked to stress. I am back on another course of antibiotics due to another recent flare up and have steroid cream to use.

I have come across a word that perfectly describes the abuse I have been under

-insidious "proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with very harmful effects"

Exercise is weird, it releases good hormones that help you feel normal but also for stress really help. Even a flat out walk for 20 minutes dc on bikes and then back again can really help get rid of the stress hormones released

On another note I found that until I stopped defending and started attacking my ex continued, as soon as I started attacking things started to get better

I thought it would escalate- but it didn't

He now treats his 2nd ex to the same treatment and she "allows" it and is walked all over....

Remember when you shut your front door you can stick your two fingers up at him and you don't have to put up with him in your life