Grandparents :(

[organicparent]

Hi Everyone!
Im looking for some advice. I will try and keep it short!

So ive been with my partner 6 years, we have a 1 year old together. Partner has a strained relationship with his parents due to his very controlling dad. Partner has some issues from his childhood about his repressive upbringing but generally everything has been ok with us and them and we get on well now we dont live there.

Anywhoo im cutting alot about niggling arguments and tension out to keep it short but a few weeks ago we took our ds1 round to see his parents as per weekly visit, i must add my partner and his mum are people pleasers and very passive but partners dad very dominant. We had been invited on a large family holiday next year to tunisia however i have huge anxiety about going abroad and had told my partner i really cant do it but advised he try and organise a separate uk holiday with his parents and family so we, and they were not missing out on family time. My partner trying to people please, made up an excuse for us not going instead of telling the truth. Anyway back to this visit, so at the end of the visit round his parents the holiday gets mentioned and the long and short of it, his dad screamed in my face what is your problem with our family, yelled at me id broken his family, was verbally aggressive, my son was crying i was crying my partner was crying and i was telling him to stop as my son was upset. He bought up my initial pnd (went away months ago) and how i needed help and was offended i didnt ask them for help and he said other hurtful things. He carried on yelling and then we left.

Im assuming when my partner told them a few weeks ago we would not be coming on said holiday to tunisia it had been boiling away and erupted in this spectacular way, and he clearly though behind closed doors i didnt want to see them and had made a decision about not going. Im aware had my partner been honest and told the truth and offered a further uk holiday it may have been less of an issue, but my partner is like that, passive and likes excuses.
His dad has not apologised since and my partner is distraught with it all. My partner went round to discuss the incident a few days after but his dad controlled the meeting, wouldnt discuss where his issued with me had come from and basically said we are sorry can we move on or not. I dont want to see his dad at all, ive met with his mum so she can still see my son and the argument has not been raised. But last night they text saying we needed to get over it and they were disappointed we could not move on. I feel really anxious and stressed and panicky. Ive said to my partner i dont want to see his dad and his ad clearly thinks hes done no wrong. I really feel sorry for my partner stuck in the middle of this, who is also battling a lifetime of having not been valued by his parents.

Ive said im happy to keep contact with his mum and have encouraged my partner to still see both parents if he wants to but i dont want my son around his dad. Ive said im happy to see his dad ar large family gatherings so we and my son dont miss out on the wider family but there will be no meals round his parents, holidays etc. My partner supports me with this but its a mess. Any advice would be great. :(

I am totally on yourside. Do not be intimidated by FIL.
It feels a mess because it is still so raw.
Your FIL had no right to speak to you or treat you in this manner.
A similar thing happened to me years ago shortly after I was married but it was my mother in law who screamed at me in my own home.
I too refused to visit ( we were only married two months so no children) but I never stopped my DH going to see PIL. I attended family parties when I had to.
After many months MIL held out an olive branch but never did she actually apologise
People like your PIL and my MIL are domineering bullies whose family kow tow to them. Strengthen your resolve and do not back down.
Your partner supports so you are not alone. Chin up things will get better.

That sounds awful no advice unfortunately but sounds like you are being very reasonable.

You can't see his dad if he doesn't acknowledge what he did and genuinely apologise. Even then it would be tricky.

Agreeing to see mum is good as not her fault.

Encouraging partner to still see dad is very good of you.

His mum and your partner are in an awkward position but it is nothing you can fix. It's kind you worry about this but I think you are doing everything you can. Many would have went non contact with both grandparents and partner encouraged to do the same (not saying that is right but it is understandable to be that angry)

Unfortunately if this man has been a bully for years I don't see him changing or apologising but I think you are doing the right thing for you and your son.

It's only a mess if you allow it to be.

You are totally doing the right thing protecting yourself and your child from this rather horrible man, who as others have said is just a bully.

He will NEVER change. He will never acknowledge his wrong-doing. He will never apologise. Your mum and partner have spent decades enabling this behaviour - understandable to an extent to make life with him bearable. But you're neither married to him nor related to him except by marriage so you have not been conditioned to accept his behaviour.

Stick to your guns. Don't see him except at wider gatherings where you will have the protection of a crowd. You can guarantee that if you were to cave at any point in the future and agree to meals/holidays he will revert to type, and into the bargain will probably try to "punish" you for standing up to him and going LC with him.

Guilt tripping you is a way to take the blame away from themselves. Or maybe they see this behaviour as normal.

Your FIL needs to apologise but it's unlikely he will, or more likely an apology will arrive via a proxy.

Stand your ground. You know you are right. If you start accepting that behaviour theb its the thin end of the wedge.

I think you're doing the right thing. We've recently gone through a similar (sort of) experience with my dh's family, and no longer have contact with his mum or her partner (my husband does speak to her occasionally on the phone but that's it). I think you're being perfectly reasonable. It's a toxic situation and you don't need people in your life just because they are family. Personally, I have no relationship with anyone in my own family except my mum, a choice I made when I was 18, and have never looked back. Having gone through this again with my MIL/SFIL has been painful, but time does help. In our case, it keeps being dredged back up because she keeps trying to initiate contact and we have to keep telling her to leave us alone. But at times when the message has gotten through and we had a few months without dealing with it, we've felt much better. It will get easier. It sounds like it's a healthier choice for all of you and I think it's totally possible to carry on a relationship with MIL without FIL in the picture. Hang in there and just give it time to heal and make some time for MIL and your son soon.

I've been through similar with parents in laws. They've put me through A LOT. Never once have they apologised or acknowledged that they did anything wrong and they never will. They act like nothing ever happened and it was literally the worst time of my life. i carry on taking their grandchildren to see them once a week and to be honest just try and get over it as I know they will never change so I don't give any energy to it. The only way they will ever change is if your husband stands up to them. Mine never did and he's now an ex. He is still the scared passive person he's always been.

Nadinexo1

re your comment:-

"I carry on taking their grandchildren to see them once a week and to be honest just try and get over it as I know they will never change so I don't give any energy to it."

Why? You would never have tolerated this from a friend and your parents are no different.

I would actually rethink this because it will do your children no favours at all to see you as their mother being so disrespected. You do not enjoy it and I doubt also whether the children get very much if anything out of it either. Consider raising your boundaries re them by dropping the number of visits over time.

organicparent,

People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what roles is your partner playing here?.

You as a couple need to present a united front and maintain firm and consistent boundaries. I would keep well away from his dad and not actually attend any family gatherings where he is present. You do not have to put yourself or your child in his firing line. Such toxic people anyway like his dad never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Re this comment:-
My partner went round to discuss the incident a few days after but his dad controlled the meeting, wouldnt discuss where his issued with me had come from and basically said we are sorry can we move on or not. I dont want to see his dad at all, ive met with his mum so she can still see my son and the argument has not been raised. But last night they text saying we needed to get over it and they were disappointed we could not move on".

Again very typical of what can and does happen in emotionally unhealthy family units. I am sorry to read that but I was not at all surprised and would never have advised your man to meet up with his parents at all. His mother has to take some responsibility here herself. Unfortunately his mother seems to have simply taken her DHs side and fallen in line yet again with him hence this text from seemingly both of them. She has a choice here re this man and she has chosen him yet again over her son and her own self for her own reasons. I would consider whether she is actually a decent role model for your son as well now.

Would your man actually consider seeing a therapist due to his abusive dad and his people pleasing behaviour?. That is also not helping him here along with his own fear, obligation and guilt re his parents and his dad in particular. He needs to address the current weekly visits and commence to reduce frequency of same as its more people pleasing behaviour on his part. His previous inertia when it comes to his parents has simply hurt him as well as you people his own family unit.

If your own parents are emotionally healthy concentrate your energies on them. You need radiators rather than drains on your life.

Would also suggest your man reads "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward (you could read Toxic Inlaws by the same author).

Attila - I do this because we do get along now but what i meant was that theyll never aplogise for what they did do.
Ive never met any of my grandparents due to some passing away before I was born and others due to family rifts so I guess that plays a part in this too, I don't want my kids to ever think I took away their chance of a relationship with their grandparents.
I kind of feel like when they're older they can make their own mind up how much they want to see them.

Hi Nadine

Its a decision that could well come back and bite you particularly if these people over the years also manage to win over your children's hearts and minds. If they have not apologised you do not really get along; its all been swept under the carpet and not discussed any longer.

Not all relatives are nice and kind by any means and these people have really treated you appallingly. By taking your children to see them on visits that you do not yourself enjoy, you are still giving these people your tacit approval. At the very least I would start raising your bar here by not visiting them as often as every single week.

Whatever happens do NOT go on holiday with your partner's parents. Nowhere, never. If they treat you like that then you really don't want to risk being stuck anywhere with them.

I'd refuse to see them again after having been shouted at like that. Your partner might well be better off without his father in his life. Counselling might well help.

Good grief, what a mess. I hope you're ok.

Wow. Your partners father is an utter cock!

Firstly, you don't need to see him or let your DS see him. He's abusive and you don't hand any obligation to put up with that. You also have a duty to your DS nog to let him see any man get away with treating his mother like that.

You are an adult and a mum. Stick to your guns. See his Mum but refuse further visits with his father.

Reading between the lines his father is an abusivd prick so don't put up with it.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments and taking the time to read. Ive read through all of your comments. Its reassuring to hear i am right by not seeing him and not letting ds see him either.Its sad but also comforting to know its not just us going through this vile situation! I know if he apologised now it would be because he wants to see my son and not because he is sorry.

Its just a bit awkward as the wider family are lovely and normal and my partners parents value family image so much they havent let on to anyone that there has been an argument, as they would not like for anyone to know their family unit is anything less than perfect.

AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the book suggestion i have encouraged my partner to get it!

They are the ones causing the awkwardness. Don't let it wobble your resolve. Instead, if any family asks you about the cause of the rift tell them, very calmly, that you won't put up with rudeness and abuse. Don't rant, don't name-call, just be calm and factual. You might be surprised by how much other family members know.