Is twice a day video contact excessive?

[Thefutureisbright2017]

Ex partner insists on twice a day video contact with our DS 3. Morning 6.30am and evening. We split officially a year ago but I checked out over 2 after discovering his love of prostitutes.
Anyway Ive put my foot down now and said evening call before bed moving forward. Im getting to end of grief!

Well I can answer that Titanz.
I'm divorced and what is best for my child, is that she's not being forced into calls she doesn't care about just to keep mummy happy!

Kids aged 3 are pretty rubbish on the phone/video in my experience. Too easily distracted.

Now 8, my daughter knows that if she's at either house she can always ask to call the other parent. She very very rarely does. She has no need to speak to both of us every day. I accept that.

Your XH is controlling you. Some people have calls every day - plenty of people are like me - no calls. That's not unreasonable if the kids are happy.

I would point blank refuse the morning call immediately - tell him it's too much of a rush when you're getting ready in the morning. Then stick to NO. No further explanations or justifications.

If you keep the evening one, press the FaceTime button, hand the phone over, and go to the other side of the room with a breezy "talk to daddy, darling".

It is excessive, my ex insisted on facetime every day, boys were not interested and they were 7/2/1. He now face times twice a week and if the boys want more they can call him, they have once..... they have a very good relationship with their dad and i have my new life without the feeling of still being controlled. All face times and calls are on speaker as he did and i mean did as he dosent anymore used to be rather controlling and questioning as to what the boys and i did. All of the new contact arrangements were run past my solicitor who agreed what he was wanting was excessive.

Thanks, I'm sticking to evenings only, called tonight and took your advice, didnt show my face once and DS hung up on him when had enough

Titanz I'm not stopping him seeing him every day. Just once a day is acceptable given the ongoing abuse and questionable controllimg reason for calling twice.

Oh thefuture I didn't mean to imply you were. You do what's best for you and your family and what keeps you safe and sane

DS out like a light at sisters, Im off on a night out for the first time in months without the abusive morning call too!

Well done

Have a fab night!

don't answer. perhaps it was charging in another room, or you were in teh shower, or the washing machine was on spin cycle, or kettle was boiling, or ds was singing... or you were driving, or any thing else..

someone posted that a judge in their case thought that everyday was intrusive and set twice a week for calls. that sounds about right to me too.

He's 100% checking up on you. Sorry but he wants to make sure you're at home and you haven't had a man over. He wants to control where you and DS are first thing in the morning every day. Please be strong and stick to your excellent instinct to say "No more". Good luck, you sound like you know in your heart exactly what he's trying to do.

Fern thats exactly what he's doing. He dropped our DS off the other day, a half hour before his bedtime and demanded a coffee, when I said no I wanted to get DS bedtime routine started he went and poured himself a drink of water, looked at my mail and commented, went to the toilet upstairs , asked me why a pair of heels were in the hallway, made a song and dance and took grabby cuddles, saying goodnight to DS who was irritated. I picked him up and said 'lets see Daddy to the door and wave bye' He needs some strong boundaries I know I shall be on here again..

That's just ridiculous. Hand over at the door and goodbye to Daddy is all it should/must be.

My god they really are all the same.
My ex used to do the two FaceTime calls a day, the judge at court felt it was excessive. He was also using it to control and spy. Now he calls them once a week maybe (sees them regularly) .
Do not let him in your house! How dare he go through your stuff, handover on the doorstep next time

I agree, do handover at the door and don't let him into the house.

When you say he has DS one or two nights , do you mean as well as every other weekend ? Because the usual contact is one night a week PLUS EOW.

I assume he's paying maintenance for his child ?

There is no need for him to come in when he drops off. He has blown it by snooping. I take it he doesn't let himself in? Just don't let him in.

My gs lives with me and the court decided his father could not contact him in between direct contact because it would be another form of control and yet another reason to take matters back to court if I "failed" to deliver for some reason.

This is far too much. I think it is stressful for both of you having to incorporate this into every day. I think the evening is better when your child is relaxed and not having to rush off.

Whilst your child is entitled to a relationship with her father, this is like dictating your everyday life. He already has good contact and it is not as if you want to stop this just maintain a happy medium.

Tell him he's not allowed in your house! Oh my! That's so wrong!

He works in an industry that has him working weekends so takes DS Sun-Tue am on Mon- Tue evening at the moment anyway.... EOW wouldnt work.
Im practising 'grey rock' technique now. Its drivong him crazy! attempted to call again this morning 4X. I ignored! Feeling strong 💪

You're doing the right thing. It's ridiculous. Grey rock is perfect.

At drop off/handover, do not let him in, it should literally be your child being returned. He has no need to come into your house. Stand at the door, physically block him from coming in, thank him, close door. If he tries to barge past, you tell him he is not coming in. If he tries to argue/make a fuss, stand firm, literally.

Maelstrop thats the bit I find the hardest. I dont want ascene infront of DS or the neighbours, I've tried but he always finds an excuse

You won't be making a scene though, he will.

Exactly, he'd be the one making a scene. You stand firm, blocking his entry. When he demands whatever or tries to walk through you, channel grey rock, be immovable, say to him 'I don't want you in MY home'. If he fucks about, repeat ad nauseam, add in something like 'You have no need to be in my home'. Do you ever go into his house?

I wouldn't humour it. When I went through contact proceedings I said no to Skype why should my ex have a direct window into my home?
If he sees the child 2 nights a week unless there's an issue he doesn't need twice a day FaceTime that's absurd.