I absolutely hate all of the superficial talk too, but where I live it's really hard to even make it to that stage.
Many of the other Mums in my area of London come from other countries and come to playgroups/clinics etc in groups with other mums and children from the same country as them. I have nothing against them doing that, and it's lovely that they have friends, but they stay in their groups and speak in their own language all the time (again, I appreciate why). I have tried on numerous occasions to speak to many of these women, and my DD always tries to play with their children, but the mum's language ability is usually very poor, and the toddler's non existent and they go back to the safety of their group.
When I have managed conversations with the women mentioned above, it stays at small talk or basic chatter about our children, and sometimes they do not understand what I am saying at this point, so it's very hard to speak about much else, as I do not want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.
Apart from the women mentioned above, the rest are snobby, cliquey white British women who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. I am a white British Londoner, but no way do I feel at all at home with these women. They look you up and down, or completely ignore you like you're invisible. I see them doing it to the groups of women speaking in other languages too, so it's not just me they're like it with - it's really nasty.
I've tried to speak with them, but straightaway the chat will move on to brands of pushchair/car seat/nappies etc, what car they have, baby yoga, gym sessions, organic produce blah blah blah. I cannot stand this kind of talk, especially when you've only just met someone, but they are using it as a judgement tool. Both sides quickly drop the 'conversation' and then I'm left feeling incredibly isolated again. They are so unfriendly and unapproachable and when you do speak, that's what it's like.
I managed to make 2 'friends,' from another country. We only knew each other for a few months but met up regularly. Their English was quite good, and we used to cook dishes from our home countries for each other. They were both lovely, but we were more like acquaintances than proper friends, and both have now moved back to their home countries so I'm back to square one anyway.
I've pretty much given up on making proper friends in this area now after over 2 years of trying, but it's frustrating and still really gets me down.
My DH refuses to move to the area of London where I'm from and where my family and friends live, as he hates it there. He expects all amenities on his doorstep 24/7 and only likes fully gentrified areas, which my old area certainly isn't. It's much more affordable than our area, contains my family and friends, and also has a community atmosphere, in which people of all backgrounds mix together.
I wish I could advise/help you in some way, but all I can do is get off my chest how I feel about the whole thing, to let you know that you're not alone in your experiences. People tell me that I'll make friends when my DD starts nursery or school, but I'm just so resigned to my situation that I don't believe it'll happen.