HELP! Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship or is it just me?

[staceykara]

I have been with my BF for around 4 years now. I am young and was first with him when I was 15 and I am now 19. When we first got together I used to go straight to his after school and if I didn't I was scared he would accuse me of cheating and go with someone else the same day which he would have been ok with. I ended up hardly seeing any of my friends. I fell out with them when they said he was flirting with them but I didn't want to believe it. Then I was 16 my gcse's were done and I left school and never spoke to them again. In the holidays I was staying at his house for weeks on end and fell out with my family for it. Then I went on holiday with my grandma to Barbados. He said he couldn't trust me and left me the day before I went. The next day he had someone stay at his for a week and was sleeping with them. During the second week of my holiday he came crawling back and I agreed to be his girlfriend again.

A month later I was due to start studying my a levels. The first day I was there I went to his straight after and he was accused me of sleeping with someone there! I ended up just staying at his for a week and ended up getting kicked of my home and not speaking to my mother. He started college again but didn't trust me. My feelings got so low that I quit college and so did he. We were with each other all day everyday and I was living with him. A year later I got pregnant and we got our own house all of my family relationships are mended and we are back on track however it's him that's the problem. I clean. I cook. I do all the washing. I go out shopping. He isn't bothered about getting a job and I also do all the baby duties. He literally sits in the living room goes on the PlayStation or watches telly all day. If our child is crying continuously at him because he isn't paying him any attention he gets really annoyed and shouts at him which upsets me. He is only one and a half.

If we drink with our friends he is clinging to me 24/7 because he's scared I will go with one of his friends. The first time I have ever been to a pub drinking it was with my best friend him and her boyfriend. This was only a couple of weeks ago. Her boyfriend and him went home after half an hour and he said and I quote 'if you're out longer than I like I'll come and get you'. He accused me of fancying one of his friends every couple of months just because I get on with them. He always wastes our money on his alcohol because I don't drink I have also deleted all my social media because it got to the point where he was arguing over every person who liked my photo which I don't control. He gets annoyed if I'm at my friends or at the shop or with my family for too long.

There's more but I think I've given you a bit of an essay to read. I know I sound like a horrible bratty child but I've been burying these feelings I need some opinions. I have post natal depression could this just be the reason why?

I was going to write a lengthy post in response, but you don't need that.

Yes he's abusive.

You're scared of his reaction to you behaving normally

He's isolated you from your friends.

He's a controlling nasty jealous little shit weasle

Leave. Leave now and don't look back!

You poor thing. He has really done a number on you. He is a worthless, abusive man-child. Please leave him. You have an entire lifetime ahead of you. Don't waste it on him. You're strong and brave and you can do this.

Staceykara, yes hes controlling and abusive. You do not have to live like that. What is the point of him. He makes your life worse, not better

SheRaa has it. He's isolated you, doesn't trust you, takes the first opportunity to shag around without you - and his good points?

You need to end this relationship. What's your housing situation? I'm assuming you're renting, but is your name on the lease?

Yes, you are in an abusive relationship with a cocklodging twat. Contact women's aid.

Women's aid: 0808 2000 247

Get away from this manipulative little bastard. You're so young, and he's treating you so badly. There's nothing bratty about your post at all, you sound scared though.

Listen to the posts. We've been there. You are fortunate that you are young, and that your child is very young, and you can leave this cunt and start afresh. Don't wait though love, it's so much harder when the kids get older.

Nice men don't behave like this. A healthy relationship does not look like this. It is not you. It is him.

You are very lucky to be so young, to have realised this now, and to come looking for advice. Please do take on board our advice. Many of us have been where you are.

Can you confide in anyone in real life?

You know the worst thing about emotional abuse and coercive control?
The abuser not only isolates you from your friends, accuses you of fancying others, tells you what you can do, and what time you have to back - the worst thing is, they get you to feel that this is mostly your fault, and what you deserve.

But it's NOT true.
It's not your fault , it's him.
And you deserve SO much better than this.
You've taken the first step. You've questioned it.

Gather your strength, reach out for a hand hold here, and IRL, and think what your next step is going to be.
How do you feel about the answers you've had so far?

Yes he is abusive.

Confide in someone in real life. Don't minimise when you tell them.

you are so so young. Get out and move on.

But really do some counselling/something to learn what a healthy relationship should look like and what you deserve so you don't let this "relationship" define your future.

See. What they said '^^

And you are going to be reading all the above replies and thinking about the excuses for his behaviour.

You have been trained to think what he does is normal. That is what this type of abuse does. It conditions you to accept it.

Please leave. He is living your life for you.

Wake up! (Actually I think you are waking up. Good) You can do better and you deserve better.

DTF (ditch the fucker. It's the new ltb)

YES you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. OP I could have written your post almost word for word when I was your age and my heart breaks for you. My then relationship ended in violence and I only got away when the poisonous shitbag tried to kill me. You are young. You have options. My personal regret? Wasting precious years on someone who i now know was insecure because i was too precious for him because he was, is and eternally will be a toxic useless sack of cra*. I learnt some lessons that I don't want my own dd to learn. And yes he cheated on me too - many, many times. And yes I went back and thought I couldn't exist without him. But eventually I wore myself out and walked out and never looked back and life got GOOD. At the risk of sounding cringey but being totally honest, think of all the amazing people and beautiful things in the world that are out there waiting for you. They don't involve him. He isn't a man. He doesn't deserve to be near you. Shake him off and go live your life and meet someone else!!! Sorry if this post was a bit full on but what you wrote made me sad and really angry on your behalf x

And I don't know if you have postnatal depression you need to see GP but if you are depressed as an aside I can categorically say the reason is HIM. His male friends will know this too, men know men and can see through them. Not sure how old he or what said friends are like but fairly sure he isn't largely respected. He sounds like a full on creep. My test for dps - i often think about this actually. In another life would you be happy for your sister / best friend / any other woman who is a part of your heart to be with him? If the answer is no then he isn't good enough for you either. He is a shit dad, a shit partner and a shit member of society. Wasteman - urban dictionary - him.

You know the answer, don't you? Of course he's abusive.

As a 19 year old, he dated a 15 year old because he knew you would be easier to manipulate.
He's a nasty piece of work and you need to get rid of him. Contact women's aid and tell your family.

My heart is breaking for you OP. You need to let someone you trust know what's going on. He's a grade A cunt and he's ruining your life. Please take your poor little DS that the utter bastard shouts at before he physically harms one or both of you. You're so young, please get away from him. Whilst you still can.

Ah ok 4 years older - think i was a bit blind rage reading through missed that part. Also I meant to write earlier - he will come up with many excuses if you try to leave. Some people just have a bad soul, a bad spirit. There's no explanation and nothing to do except get away from them. And as other pps said - tell someone. Words and talking mean nothing to men like him so don't waste your time trying to reason - just leave. Actions speak the loudest. And pity any other women (sorry VICTIM) who are subjected to his little sicko self. Get away from him now and in a year, 3 years, 5 years down the line when you have a healthy happy life you will think WOW what kind of mind googles was i wearing when i allowed that to put his head on the pillow next to mine at night.

I had a very controlling, awful fucked up boyfriend at 19. I woke up one day and dumped the creep and never looked back - was the best decision of my life! You literally have the best years ahead of you - don't throw it all away by staying with this numpty. You deserve so much better than this. Get rid, and come back in 6 months to update us all on how much easier, better, more fun and straightforward your life it. It's within your grasp!

He shouts at a one-and-a-half year old? What else do you need to know?! First it was his 15-year-old girlfriend who took the brunt of his behaviour, and that was bad enough, but now it's a one-year-old child. No decent man treats a baby so.

Why are you with him? How does it benefit you or your child to have a controlling abusive twat in your lives?

He brings no joy at all to your life, leave him and enjoy your freedom - you're doing everything anyway it will be easier without him

Why isn't he working, he should be supporting his child, I would dump him just for that.

You sound far from a brat! You sound like you've got your head screwed on and you know he's mistreating you and your child. Leave him, he is of no benefit to you.

Oh yes, another one who had that sort of relationship, though not so young. He is really not adding anything to your life, is he? Just subtracting.

I was very lucky as I was a lot older than you when I was in an abusive relationship and I managed to get out before I knew I was pregnant.

What struck me in your post was I also do all the baby duties. As a was a single mother when my baby was born I just so much enjoyed the care of my baby, but I always knew that if I'd stayed with her father, he would have made it feel like a burden.