Should I just leave?

[mermaidsocks]

I've been married 6 years. Had some very big ups and downs some my fault some dh.
Since having a dc we have grown further and further apart. We don't have evening childcare as paid enough for the daytime care previously so have been out once in 4 years just the two of us. It's got to the point it's awkward when we are together without dc.
I feel like I can't leave as I have serious anxiety and have been in and out of work for the last two years as I struggle to cope working and running the home, my last job I lost two stone in because I wasn't coping (became underweight) My dh earns a good enough amount that I don't have to work but I've always tried very hard to stay working as I don't want to be financially dependent on anyone. Unfortunately I now am.
My dh works for a company that he says won't allow me to pop in or if I'm with dc in the area I'm not allowed to come say hi. Once I needed him to sign something and he made me stand outside his building and wait for him. I find this a bit strange as the company sells family products so would have thought they wouldn't be so anti family plus I've never had this with anyone else and I've worked in some very big high security buildings so it isn't that.
Anyway he's been there 3,5 years and I've never met a colleague or been in his work. I previously worked down the road as well so found it even more strange not being able to just say hi at lunch as felt this might at least some time together here and there in the week. (We used to meet up with colleagues and go into each other's offices here and there before his current job so I feel like this has affected us)
He now works really long hours and travels abroad a lot. Tbf to him he doesn't really do anything else ie not much of a social life just plays on his phone forever. I have said to him I would happily cut back on things to allow him to get a job that pays less but allows him to be home more he says we live to our means and can't afford to but I am sure we can. He's very competitive and would not want a pay cut but I feel like it's at the expense of our marriage and family and would be willing to go without if it meant we could sort this out. I actually also believe he wouldn't need to take a pay cut but he keeps saying he would have to if he moved.
I feel like i can't go back to work as dealing with school stuff, cleaning home all doctors/dentist app. for dc etc and working I found so hard. I was falling behind on everything. I am beginning to be resentful that I end up sacrificing my career because he is the breadwinner and works such long hours he's simply not available to help with dc. He does help at weekends but is often away for work then as well plus the trips are often at short notice giving me no time to prepare for anything ie having to cancel evenings with friend at short notice. He helps when he can it doesn't feel he's deliberately leaving things to me but it's always me doing it all.
I've now demanded that he applies for new jobs and at least sees if there's anything with less travel in. I've spoken at length about all these issues. I don't see anything changing. The demand was three weeks ago. He left at 7am and still isn't home and he definitely hasn't applied for any jobs I've been home all summer holidays despite asking for him to take time off to help me he hasn't . I am beginning to feel divorce is the only way I can change this situation. But feel selfish thinking that and also no idea how I'll afford to live without his salary. I've text him when he thinks he might be back but no reply and that was an hour ago. Just feel like this isn't how I want to live anymore. I don't have any family support and my friends are generally not too helpful as all will say you have a nice house etc. I don't care. I've refused to buy a new car which we normally do every year because I've got to the point I'm not taking out any more loans etc until I know 100% I'm not going to get a divorce. I'm so sad about this situation. Sorry it's so long. I don't even know what I'm asking. Not sure if divorce is only option or if I'm BU.

Sorry, I know I'm only mentioning one part of your post, but is there any way you could get a part time job?

The job I'm in is generally looked upon as either work full time or your career is stagnant. I am working part time now two days a week at home which I'm allowed to do any time so end up working in the evenings after dc asleep but earn a pittance compared to what I used to and I know if I went full time I would be able to earn a decent liveable wage but I found it hard to cope. I applied for months for part time jobs but the salaries were so low and the jobs all below the level I used to work at (I am now doing work below what I used to do just so I had an income but I know it's watering down my career) it's also a contract that looks like it may come to an end soon and I'm back looking for pt again but really wish I had the support to work full time as I actually preferred that ie being in the loop on everything, was a manager now it seems a lot of companies don't want pt managers in my field.

Buying a new car every year is silly. That's several thousand pounds you're wasting every year.

He gets presumably 20-30 days holiday a year. What does he do with that?

Last year his company refused to give him annual leave so he's now got a massive i of up brought forward. Apparently they keep refusing it now again but I know he also hasn't asked for any until everyone else on his office had booked it off for the summer holidays as he ended up admitting this to me after I got angry that I had to deal with the holidays alone when I feel he should at least book a few days off.
I don't care about cars or material stuff but even if I did I am 99.9% sure he would get another job on similar pay but he says he's too scared in the current job climate to leave a job he's been in for a long time. He does care a lot about things like cars like a status thing but when we went to get another one I outright told the sales guy we won't be buying one. We don't even use a car to get to work. I am more than happy to cut back on everything but he isn't on the same page. I don't want a divorce. I get the impression he knows if we divorce it will be me with dc and on his salary and me being his free childcare he'd be laughing. I would definitely insist he has dc but I don't even know if I can. I just want a break. I didn't want to be sahm but feel it's been lumped on me to be able to cope with everything at home. Maybe once school starts I will feel better but I am so angry the holidays have come and gone and he hasn't bothered after I've said so many times months before I don't want to be on my own the whole time.
We have a lot of savings from when I was working so it's not like we can't fall back on that worst case. He's text me saying he's just left. He works an hour away. I can't imagine it's fun working those hours but I am not happy given that for the last few months I've asked him to get a job that will allow me to work as well ie he can do school run on a couple of days. When I was working I did all school morning runs ran to get train, sorted all after school childcare out then ran to get home after to put dc to bed. I had to turn down travel and late nights at my old job on the understanding I had a dc and it wasn't easy but apparently that's not possible in his job.

Op, I feel for you, as I, too am in a very similar position and have been for years. But I have to say, my instinct on reading your post is that your husband is having an affair. The combination of all the late nights and travel, him telling you he is not allowed to take annual leave (!), him not allowing you to come into his work to meet his colleagues: it's all very suspicious. I am sorry, I hope I'm wrong for your sake. But even if he is not, this is no way for you to live and you are clearly very unhappy, for good reasons. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Ask yourself this: what are you getting out of this marriage apart from the money he brings in?

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?.

Do not use your anxiety as a reason to stay; he is likely to be the root cause of your anxiety levels being as high as they are now. Staying with him is going to improve your lives how exactly?.

I doubt very much if he has told you anything resembling the truth about his working situation from the not being able to visit the office to say hi (he simply does not want you in there) and he being refused annual leave. I do not think he cares at all for his child or you; his only priority is him and his work.

I would seek legal advice with a view to divorcing him; you do not have to act on that straight away but knowledge here is power.

Even the big banks / financial orgs insist on employees taking their holiday entitlement. In fact, most companies that I've worked for won't carry over holiday (other than a few days) nor pay you for it, so I'm very surprised that his are apparently doing this.

And working until 11pm? Again, it happens but generally people will go home and finish projects there if they know they're going to stretch on that late and/or pull the hours back at the end of the week etc.

He's either being a complete martyr to his workplace (and what will that really gain him in the long term?) or he prefers work to being at home or there's someone else, as pp has suggested.

I suppose it boils down to how much you need this behaviour to change. If you're really at the end of the road with it then give him an ultimatum on when things have to be changed by. But be prepared to follow through because it'll never work again if you put down a marker and he's allowed to ignore it.

Thanks for the replies sorry have been running around today and my crap phones battery keeps dying on me...
He works for a massive plc it's utterly ridiculous and illegal what they're doing but they're getting away with it probably because he's just saying yes to their every demand. He's been promoted over and over since he started and recently been made a director of one of their subs so I think he's just stuck in a cycle of work work work and then get the rewards but financial rewards are useless imo if you've only got work to show for it?
He's not a martyr but he definitely is one of these people that wants to keep going until he's at the top. He didn't used to be this bad. We were on the same salary when we met, he now earns 4x my last ft salary but we were so much happier before.
Last night he promised to ring an agency today to get a new job. Obviously he hasn't.
I do feel undermined in general by him. I don't know how to get better with him here I think he cares but I know he would prefer me not to go back to work as he now never has to come home on time as he knows I'm always there. He also always says he can't understand why I want to work etc.
I've had counselling and probably need to go back again tbh.
I stopped all my hobbies and counselling etc to say how much we'd cut back on things to prove we can afford for him to move jobs.
I do get the impression he'd rather be at work than with me. I know that's not me personally but he accidentally told me he's booked a work trip to somewhere in October because it's somewhere he's always wanted to go and when I asked if he has to go he said probably not. I have asked him to cancel it. If he's not doing anything at home and we never have time for a family holiday I'm not going to allow for jolly work trips. But I sound pathetic saying that. I wake up thinking if I won the lottery I'd be out tomorrow. But I don't know how to sort it in real life. The equity from our house split 50:50 wouldn't buy me a property unless I worked ft but would prevent me from receiving benefits etc. I've looked into divorcing and seems to be out of reach unless I exhaust the equity on rent but that seems to be a very short term plan. I have started applying for ft jobs with an aim to get back on my feet but I get so anxious with the agencies I feel like I've no chance. Right now I can't pick up their calls and just watch the calls coming in then phone them back when I feel I have my shit together to speak to them. Sorry this is long again. Thanks for the replies.

Given his work patterns I doubt you're going to be anything but the main carer for your DC which means the equity split will likely be more in your favour than 50:50. An hour with a good solicitor could help you work that out.

If he's earning good money then your child maintenance from him will be ok (CMS has an online calculator you could use to get an idea) plus you may get a short period of spousal maintenance, depending on all the circumstances. The court will try and ensure stability (a perm home if possible) for the child.

If this is end of the road territory for you, and he's not going to change, then make an appt with your local CAB office and see what they think you could claim for in the short term. With a bigger chunk of the equity, plus maintenance and short term benefit / tax credit help, you may not need to blow the equity on rent.

Thanks. I will go to the cab. Unfortunately as my earning power on paper looks good to a court apparently it's unlikely I'll get spousal maintenance unless I can prove I'm too ill to work. And then if I prove that I might not get a job in future as I regularly have to declare my health history when applying for jobs.
Just seems ridiculous as when we decided to have a dc we were on the same page and he used to come home and help and we both worked ft. Since this long hours job it would appear that I am the one that will end up losing my career and also end up supporting him for many years to come regardless of if I'm with him or not. I suppose it's the reality for many women not just me but i am struggling to come to terms with it.