Upset with my friends

[Niamhisnotarealname]

This may be a bit long, il try to be concise.
I am feeling pushed out by two of my friends we will call them A and B to try to reduce the confusion. We have all been friends since senior school and have all kept in touch one way or or the other not always consistently but checking in we have alternately moved away and moved back you get the idea.
Friend B ended up in an abusive relationship for 8 years. I and another friend (unrelated) were the only two to try to keep in touch regularly even though her partner didn't like it.

Friend A lost touch with friend B for many years, I told her how friend B was getting along from time to time as she asked but never got in touch with her herself as friend B had told her they had nothing in common.

I am consistently good friends over the years with both A and B.

Friend B one year ago moved back to our city having left her abusive partner. I was there for her and I helped as much as I could.

Friend A just happens to drive past friend B taking her children to school and find out she is in the area. Neither made a concious effort to get in touch.

since then they have been almost inseparable. Friend B is constantly at friend A's and visa versa. Friend B was even asked to be godmother to friend A's child.
Friend A has even asked friend B to have her child if anything happened to her and her husband!

I don't know if i am wrong to feel this way but I don't have many friends (five people I would consider actual friends).

But I am just thinking why her and not me? I am the one who is ALWAYS there. I have been the only friend to friend A during times where others have let her down and I just feel usurped by friend B.

I'm sorry if some of the above seems irrelevant as I'm just trying to build a picture of the situation. I know this isn't AIBU but AIBU?

maybe if you think I should, some advice on talking to my friends.

I don't think they are being bad friends to me, maybe just thoughtless?

Sorry reading that back it seems quite incoherent. please ask any questions I am happy to answer them.

Why don't you go and ask? No harm is saying you feel hurt by their actions

I think because I feel really stupid.

YANBU to feel upset. It's not "stupid". But there's no point dwelling on it or talking about it. I am sure it's nothing you did or didn't do, it's just that they hit it off better than either of them with you. It could be anything, maybe same life stage (both w kids same age)? similar life experiences? Dhs get along great? Or maybe just their personalities jive. It really doesn't matter because it is what it is and it's not a reflection on you. Just accept it and continue to treat them the same way and be their friend. Or, if it bothers you that much, drop them both. But I think it would be a shame to lose friends because you can't be their #1.

You can't ask why A likes B better than you. She just does, and you can't make her feel bad about that.

B may have not been there for her, but maybe that's exactly the point. She doesn't know about all the shite A has gone through, and they probably picked up their friendship where they left off (innocent and out of school, ready to conquer the world feeling?) A probably feels a different woman with her.

You don't know if B will be an unsupportive friend when the shit hits the fan (but given they're talking about being guardians, it doesn't sound like a superficial connection)

You are not unreasonable to be hurt by it, but there is also nothing to be done about it. I wouldn´t bring it up with either of them either. What can they say that will change anything? Do you really want to hear that they like each other more than they like you? They aren´t going to decide to stop being best friends because you have a better claim to that position.

I can understand that you are upset about it. I think most people would be too. But really, there is nothing to do but chalk it up to experience, focus your energies elsewhere, and accept that while you are friends, you are not best friends.

Then what exactly is the point in me trying so hard to be a good and loyal Friend? It feels like the things you should value the most in a person just don't matter.

I am absolutely awful at making new friends and it seems that when I do I get used for all the support and loyalty I can give when times get tough and then dropped.

so I must be doing something wrong.

I mean it has happened before but never with those very few I would consider my long-time friends. but then I suppose for a long time we have all been friends separately.

With any relationship you have to do what YOU want to do, not what you think you should do. If you feel you have been a good friend, then you must embrace that, and be proud of that.

This type of thing is common. It has happened to me. I remained friends but distanced myself. Unfortunately I am now wary. I have a friend (who I love dearly) I have helped her immensely. There have been a number of occasions that have 'upset' me which led me to stop being so generous. However, I am still there for her, but I hold back. I'm proud of who I am and how I've helped people, and that's how I justify it to myself. I am true to me, and that's all that matters.

I hope that makes sense OP

Don't you realise that plenty of people would consider 5 actual friends not a bad number at all?!

You can't judge how "good" a friendship is by how much you've helped someone. How much you've helped is more a measure of how much they've needed it. The two friends I've done most for have serious MH issues (suicidal periods). They're not my best friends and nor do they become so for the fact that I have done a lot. They like me, love me even (one does, I'm sure) but they're not my 'favourite' friends - nor I theirs. I was just in a position where I could - and wanted - to help.

Bottom line: they prefer other people. As it happens, so do I!

If you want to help, that's wonderful. But do it because you want to - not because you think it will guarantee a certain level of friendship.

Yes, you have been a good friend and it is not unusual to feel hurt. You cannot do anything about this situation though op. It sounds all a bit too much to be honest and I would not be surprised if the current closeness does not endure. But do not step back into the breach.

I think you have a good number of friends because you are a good friend. I think you deserve better than these two really and concentrate on what makes you happy friendship and family wise and distance yourself.

I think Trollspoopglitter may have it. That because friend A didn't see B at her most vulnerable she feels more able to be who she wants to be in front of her, rather than being someone with a 'past'.

That doesn't mean that she doesn't care about you just as much and that your help and support isn't valued, it's just a massively different dynamic to your relationships.

I hope that makes sense

I have been in a similar situation. A friend of mine (lets call her Mavis) went through a period of depression, I tried to be supportive and help her then Mavis made a new friend who she suddenly became close to and I got pushed out. I think this happened because Mavis needed to reinvent herself and as pp have said I was mentally associated with some bad times whereas new friend was a clean slate. I later found out that Mavis had pushed away another friend who was similarly there for her when she was depressed.

It still hurts a lot that i lost a good friend but you can't change someones feelings. Niamhisnotarealname this isn't about you: you are still the same person but your friend's needs have changed. Try to still be there for her but from a distance and hopefully with time you can rebuild the friendship.

leave them too it OP...

Maybe think about yourself a little more and get what you want out of each friendship. So you still have 2 friends. Dont give too much but enjoy the good bits. I have a good few friends but couldnt call one my best friend. They all have other friends but are there for me too. I had a difficult time this Summer and each one in their own way came through in support. But they have lots of other friends too. Just accept the situation but be a bit more selfish.

Would you be feeling the same if A just made a new friend you didn't know?

Probably not. So you're actually upset with B for not supporting A during the bad times (like you) and somehow "stealing" her friendship once she was stronger and in a better place?

I can see why you feel hurt but ultimately I think you are being unreasonable- A and B can do what they like with their lives and can choose who they want to be their child's godparent. To say "well why should I be the supportive friend in the future then? Where's the incentive?" is really just a bit childish and selfish. You should be a supportive friend because it's a nice/the right thing to do and not because you think you're going to get something back in return.

I know it's hurtful to feel pushed out but I think you really need to put that behind you before you lose your friends altogether.

Maybe just step away from them and try not to dwell on it. Sometimes, seemingly strong friendships suddenly change, sometimes even end. That's just the way it is. You have been a good friend.