When to have "The Talk"?

[AnyonesGhost]

Hi all

oof Little stressed today. Earlier this year I came out of a 7-year relationship that kind of made me overthink things (he told me he cheated on me the entire time with several women).

Flash forward to the end of June when I seemingly started to date a wonderful guy on OkCupid (I know), and we hit it off from the start. We talked for maybe about 3 weeks back and forth on text before meeting up (due to work travel etc). We have been seeing each other frequently since our first date at the end of June. The first 3 weeks his communication was kind of sporadic with work and travel, but the entire month of August he's really been stepping up his game. Constantly contacting me first every day and sometimes all day, calling me on the phone, asking ME out and initiating getting together even last minute for dinner, drinks. The past 3 weekends we've also went on spontaneous little weekend trip adventures as well. I've met a good deal of his friends, he's met mine. Last weekend we went upstate on a 4 hour drive and met up with one of his oldest friends. We go out together, we talk about life, sometimes we're having so much fun we're both laughing so hard we cry. He's very affectionate, very caring. He's shared some events with me that he often likes to go to alone and invited me along, etc.

But then came this Wednesday. I was at work and he asked me to come and meet him for dinner. I got to his office and his computer was wide open. He seemingly left up his messenger screen bright as day and was chatting with someone that was like 'SUE- OK Cupid". I glanced away as quickly as possible to be honest, but there was definitely a photo of him and kissy faces in response. I tried not to think about it, and didn't know how to bring up that it made me uncomfortable. I thought maybe I was overthinking it since my ex basically scared me with the same kind of antics. We went out and had a great time at his friend's house but it was still weighing on my mind. Then spent the night together. We did spend yesterday through to yesterday evening together. We both freelance so we working side by side. His idea. We went to the park after dinner. Had a fun time, laid on the beach. Then all of a sudden he whips out his phone and takes a picture of himself and sends it. Presumbly to whoever this other person is. I kind of gave him a bit of a glare, got up and walked away quietly. Not in an angry way but enough to be like 'I'm uncomfortable," and he noticed it. He did I'm sure. The walk back to the car was a little quiet. We sat in the car for a bit before driving off; listening to music as he had his arms around me. We drove around for an hour afterwards just talking about life. He kissed me several times before heading into his apartment. Flash forward this morning I get a kissy face text and a small message response to something I asked regarding tonight's plans with friends. But he's been on WhatsApp on and off all morning, where I saw him messaging the other girl the day before. Which makes me think maybe he's talking to her right now (but probably overthinking it).

Here's my problem. We haven't exactly had the 'talk' of what are we yet. So I don't know how to bring it up. I thought we were getting pretty serious. I mean, I haven't had any warning signs lately that we weren't. He initiates contact, get togethers most times, we have a great time together. We have so many common interests it's crazy. All of my friends love him. His friends tell him in front of me I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him. Also side note, he is 32 and his longest relationship has only been 10 MONTHS mainly because he likes his alone time and people he dated didn't dig that.

Anyway, I don't know how to approach asking him where we're at. I haven't seen ANYONE since meeting him. I have no interest to, I liked him right off the bat. I haven't even been on my OK Cupid account since a week in. But obviously he's on there and talking to at least 1 person. My girl friends are telling me to put it on the table that I'd like it to be more serious, and if he's not into it, to get out. My guy friends are telling me that if we haven't had the talk yet I shouldn't have any expectations unless we have a conversation about exclusivity. Some friends tell me I shouldn't bring it up at all right now because it's 2 months in.

Honestly I have NO idea what to do and I'm feeling really stressed out about it. Tonight we are going to a party at a museum with a married couple friends of mine who love him. I don't know it tonight is a good time to bring it up or maybe even have them kind of poke at the subject when I'm not around. I'm so nervous I want to throw up actually. Half of me is uneasy there's someone else coming in, the other half is scared that this talk may send him away completely.

I don't know what to do :(

By now you should be able to ask him.

If it bothers you, you need to ask him.

I met my DH on line and I thought we were exclusivbely dating (assumption on my part) whilst he was still contacting other women. We had a chat about it and got it sorted and have been married for years now but we had not slept together. You really need to ask him as sleeping with more than one partner at a time without their knowledge or consent is pretty unfair. Ask him asap where you stand. 2 months of seeing each other as much as you have been is long enough

If you haven't told him you're bothered he doesn't know. He might guess, it might be reasonable of him to assume you are, but at present he has a mandate for carrying on exactly as he is. As many women as will accept him, no strings. No reason why not, if everyone is happy.

If you don't want to be part of this game, drop out.
If you want more from him, and you think it's worth it, say so. You might not get what you want but you'll have given it a try.

I agree with PP.
I think given how connected you are, and given everything you've been through, you need to talk to him.

I met my partner OLD and he had never had a relationship that lasted longer than 6 months because he wasn't ready for a relationship. Casually dated me for a bit and now 6 years on that's us. And I was in a financially and emotionally abusive relationship prior, where I never felt good enough.

It's tricky OP. Because you don't want mentioning something to be the one thing that scares someone off. But after 2 months, you should know if he wants to see other people or not. And then the ball is in your court.

You feeling insecure about him chatting to other women is a red herring.

I thought we were getting pretty serious.

You've known him for two months. Which means, in the nicest possible way, you don't know him at all.

Why would you want to get serious with someone you have almost literally JUST met?

Why would you care enough about what this stranger is doing, to feel insecure about what he is messaging to other people?

Please, take a step back. Spend time with him enough to observe him living his life. Take the time to see who he is. Let him unfold a little bit. And then, if you like what you see, you can start to assess whether he is a person you'd like to get serious with.

Any feelings you have for him right now cannot be predicated on anything more than his looks and his superficial social persona.

Any insecurity you are feeling right now has more to do with your ego ("He should like me so much that he's not chatting to others") than a genuine sense that your attachment to him has been disrupted. Because there is no attachment between you yet. There literally hasn't been enough time for that kind of thing to develop!

Wait until you've seen the measure of him a bit more, before you start "getting serious", wanting him to stop chatting to other girls, getting insecure and jealous, etc... Invest a little more time in yourself. You are worth more time than you are giving to yourself!

It's not all about what he wants. It's about what you want to. Ask him. If he's 'scared off' he's not for you. You should know by now whether you like each other enough to be exclusive.

Doesn't mean you have to say ' I thought we were serious'. Serious is diffent from exclusive.

Frankly, your relationship is a stage where you're sleeping together and have met each other's friends etc Whether you call each other boyfriend/girlfriend or not, it should definite be exclusive. I'd have a chat with him ASAP and say that you expect exclusivity at this stage. I would have also asked immediately about SUE when you saw the WhatsApp thread. You come across very passive, not saying what you want and then sulking... Hope you can find some assertiveness.

Having said that, I'd be very concerned about him not having ever been in a long term relationship. He also said that he likes space while apparently seeking to spend LOADS of time with you. It all reeks of commitment issues and someone that would go back and forth and possibly carry on keeping his options open.