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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me to understand my mother...

22 replies

Pombliboo123 · 31/08/2017 18:10

I am 26 years old.

If I make a decision that my mother doesn't agree with (big or small) she will throw a huge strop, usually followed by abusive messages and then block me on all social media, ignore calls etc.

A lot of it stems from her hatred of sort of ex boyfriend.

I wish she would give her advice but agree to support me whatever I decide but no.

Why does she do this and what can I do about it?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Pombliboo123 · 31/08/2017 18:19

Additionally, I feel like I can't be myself around her, I have to act like a perfect angel and it really wears me down after an hour or so. She wouldn't speak to me for months if she knew about my tattoos, or that I use an e-cig

OP posts:
Walkingdead11 · 31/08/2017 18:23

Sounds toxic. You're an adult now so just distance yourself, accept her for who she is and that she's unlikely to change and move on with your life.

SerfTerf · 31/08/2017 18:25

She doesn't see you as an independent adult or even a separate human being. She views you as an extension of herself.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2017 18:25

Hi Pombliboo

re your comment:-

"If I make a decision that my mother doesn't agree with (big or small) she will throw a huge strop, usually followed by abusive messages and then block me on all social media, ignore calls etc".

A lot of it stems from her hatred of sort of ex boyfriend.

So why are you copping this from her then?. Does she block and then unblock you almost continuously?. My guess too is that she has always been difficult and this has got worse from her in recent years. You would not tolerate this behaviour from a friend, your mother is no different. Do not tolerate this from her; further lower all forms of contact with her instead to a point of zero. Do not jade (justify, argue, defend or explain).

What are your boundaries like with regards to your mother; I think they could do with further raising and reaffirming. I would also suggest you post and read the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. You will get support there too.

She does not and will never accept that you are now an adult with your own autonomy; she still sees you as a child (or an extension of her disordered of thinking self) to control and wield power over.

Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way.

chips4teaplease · 31/08/2017 18:26

Stop caring how much she strops. Be with her only when you can cope and when she behaves. Take a firm line. Mothers can be trained, to some extent, by the very determined.

Original poster
Pombliboo123 · 31/08/2017 18:34

I end up feeling terrible though.

Currently been blocked on social media as she disagrees with a choice I have made. I understand that in her opinion it's a stupid decision (And may well turn out to be) but this is what I have decided for numerous reasons. She said I was stupid and had no self respect and an idiot and has now blocked me. Even if she hadn't there would have been no reasoning with her.

Having said that, she is a single mum and always has been. She doesn't have any friends or a partner and doesn't speak with much of the rest of the family. She sacrificed so much for me and my siblings. Her whole life has been entirely dedicated to us and now I have disappointed her yet again

OP posts:
Original poster
Pombliboo123 · 31/08/2017 18:36

She over exaggerated everything as well. E.g. if I said "Oh for God's sake (sort of ex) DP has left his towel on the floor again" this turns into he's awful to you he treats you like shit you're obviously not happy how dare he disrespect you like that etc...

When in my mind it's "how annoying" And then never think of it again

OP posts:
Mrscropley · 31/08/2017 18:39

Sounds like my dm. . I think mine was actually envious I had good relationships when she was a single dm.

She seemed hell bent on me ending up single also. Went nc years ago and life is great!!

Original poster
Pombliboo123 · 31/08/2017 18:42

Plus we do get on well if I don't tell her anything that I know she won't like...

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 31/08/2017 18:47

You need a distance as a buffer with people like that.

chips4teaplease · 31/08/2017 18:54

I'm a single mum of one adult child, too. Yes, my child would be my whole world - except that she refuses to be, so I have to sort myself some other kind of existence. It can be done.

Which is worse - feeling bad or not having a life?

thestamp · 31/08/2017 18:57

if I said "Oh for God's sake (sort of ex) DP has left his towel on the floor again" this turns into he's awful to you he treats you like shit you're obviously not happy how dare he disrespect you like that etc...

But why are you sharing this kind of thing with her? When you know how she is?

Sorry love but you are 26, and you know what she's like. So stop sharing details of your life with her.

I'm confused about the decision stuff as well. Do you tell her your decisions as you make them? Or do you just make them, live them, and don't mention them to her. Because if you're calling her to tell her things that you've decided, or you're calling out your decisions in conversation when you talk to her, then you're just exacerbating the problem. You're effectively looking for her approval for your decisions, but at the same time, you're saying you will make the decision regardless, right? So why ask for approval?

You need to drastically reset your thinking. You are describing childlike behavior (seeking approval, sharing too many details) but then you're getting frustrated when your mother treats you like a child.

(She is behaving appallingly, don't get me wrong - but a lot of this can be addressed easily by simply not inviting her into your life and decisions. You have more control here than you think.)

Ellisandra · 31/08/2017 20:25

You can only change you, apologies for the cliché!
If you know you can't make a passing comment about towels without drama, then don't.
Stop jumping to her tune. You can respect what she's done for you without hiding a tattoo! (although the e-cig stuff deserves to be hidden cos it's vile Grin)

Original poster
Pombliboo123 · 31/08/2017 20:28

Thank you everyone.

I've decided that I'm not going to message her if/when she unblocks me.

If she wants to speak to me and have me in her life then the balls in her court.

Is there any reasoning with people like this? If I tried to talk to her about how she makes me feel and how she brings me down etc or woukd I be wasting my time?

Please can somebody link the stately homes thread... I can't find it?! (Though of course it's always on the home page before I realised what it was)

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 31/08/2017 20:29

Exactly what thestamp has said. Stop sharing the details of your life with her & cultivate other topics of conversation. She is your mother & not your confidant.

Original poster
Pombliboo123 · 31/08/2017 20:32

I really just wish i had a relationship with her like many of my friends do... go out for coffee and a chat, wine and movie on a Saturday night, girly clothes shopping days, but I know that is never going to happen I just need to accept that I suppose

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 31/08/2017 20:34

It is hard to accept but yes I'm afraid you do Flowers

LaughingElliot · 31/08/2017 20:39

Sounds like my mother. Her way or the highway. So toxic.

No you can't change her, you can only change what you tell her, when and how.

She'll hate it and punish you further, but at least you are not at her mercy.

It's tough I know.

LaughingElliot · 31/08/2017 20:42

I disagree with the posters insinuating it's in some way your fault for expecting your mother to allow you to talk about your day. It isn't. It's normal to want to chat freely with mothers but in your case it isn't possible, sadly.

Sorry there is a lot of victim blaming on mumsnet. The snarky one calling you "love" is a typical keyboard warrior, incapable of empathy or support. Ignore

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/08/2017 20:52

Yes it is hard. You accept the fact that you don't have the mother you want. You can't magic her into being another person. Accept her for what she is even though it's not what you want.

Keep on telling her nothing. Don't reward bad behaviour like sulking and blocking with attention. Ignore until she comes back to you. Expect unverifiable medical emergencies to come up when you stop chasing her.

thestamp · 31/08/2017 21:09

It does hurt a lot to realize that your mum isn't much of a mum.

I've been there.

Sadly it's part of growing up for, I'd say, most people. There are lucky ones out there whose parents are genuinely lovely, nonjudgemental, with good boundaries and so on. But generally that's the exception not the rule.

I guarantee you that many of the women whose relationships with their mums you envy, actually have to put up with a lot of shit / stay silent in order to keep things happy and ticking over. It's just the kind of thing that would be invisible to you unless you were in the relationship iyswim.

But that doesn't make it any less hard. Take comfort in the fact that it is a fairly normal thing to have to grieve.

OlennasWimple · 31/08/2017 21:13

There is probably a very good reason why she doesn't have a lot of contact with the rest of the family (clue: it isn't because they are all horrific)

Not everyone has a wine and chat type of relationship with their mother. I don't, as my mum is just not that sort of person. We are very close in other ways, but I look to my friends for the sort of stuff that some people get from their mother

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