Don't know what to think :(

[user1475842882]

Hello,

I'm married with one DS (2) who I adore to the moon and back.

DH and I have steadily grown apart since DS's arrival, he feels this is because I don't put him first and that I'm not interested in him when in reality it's because I've been channeling most of my attention into DS, who has serious health issues. I don't regret doing this as I know DS has needed this much input and he is my reason for being.

It's all coming to a head at the moment, I've never been great at talking about my feelings but have been trying to, but DH is basically telling me I've broken his heart and he needs to feel he is the only person I need, talk to, etc. He doesn't get on with my family and friends and I find that a really isolating thing to say. Through our relationship DH has had 'mini meltdowns' where he doesn't directly say it but implies things are my fault, I feel guilty (even if the cause is nothing to do with me I.e work) and say I'll try harder but I hate feeling so emotionally manipulated. Especially now DS is involved as I want us to set a good example to him. DH goes through my phone and things (won't admit it), and tests me (like doing things to see how I react then 'calling me out' if I don't do what I should have, and accusing me of lying over ridiculous things when I haven't and wouldn't.

We are in a serious mess and DH has just been diagnosed with depression but not taking Drs advice. I would be so grateful for any of your thoughts on this as I don't know what to think any more but I've had enough of feeling miserable and like nothing I do is right. Sorry if this is a bit vague but I am worried he will see this.

Big, big red flags here. What I'm hearing is that he wants to isolate you and control you. What he is doing is not healthy in any way. Checking your phone and testing you, saying he should be the only person you need abc talk to...that is all crazy. If he has his way, you'll end up with no one but him and a life of nothing but emotional manipulation. I know you want to set a good example to your son...I'm sorry but he's not seeing a good example of a healthy marriage.

Wow - this is control and abuse.
I didn't even have to read your whole thread.
Unfortunately abuser start to show their colour during pregnancy or just after birth.
Your DS is your No. 1 priority so of course you don't put your 'D'H first.
You should be parenting together. Sharing the load.
He doesn't like your family and friends.
Typical of abusers.
Do NOT be cut off from them.
I would seriously suggest you get away from this person and get some love and support from your family and friends.

Please do contact Womens Aid if you need some outside support other than family and friends.
But absolutely make your plans to get away and do it as quickly as possible. Do not tell him until you are away!

My advice would be to leave as soon as possible. He sounds very unstable and possibly dangerous. He has all of the hallmarks of an abuser and I'm confident that things are only going to escalate. He accuses you of everything and anything, you don't do want he "wants", he searches your things, he's doing his best to alienate you from your friends and family - OP, he is awful. Can you go to your parent's?

Controlling behaviour and trying to isolate you from other people. Ltb.

Thank you for your replies, The thing is I always doubt myself and whether I'm just overreacting or reading the situation wrong 😢

Not overreacting at all. Definite, unacceptable red flags there.

I think that's quite normal when you are being manipulated...normal to doubt yourself. I'm sorry you're in this situation :(

I agree that it looks like an attempt to cut you off from your support network and isolate you. Stop doubting yourself

Update...had another big talk tonight which went from everything I had or hadn't done which was wrong and how it made him feel (aka all my fault and I've broken his heart), to telling me he was thinking it might be over, to wanting my reassurance that I'd never leave him and that everything will be ok. I stood my ground for the first time and said I couldn't give that reassurance, especially when minutes earlier he'd told me himself it was probably over in his eyes. He then started crying and apologising profusely saying he'd ruined our lives etc. It's like an emotional rollercoaster 😢 thank you for all your replies they really mean a lot to me.

He's playing mind games with you. You really should make plans to end this so called relationship before he completely grinds you down.

You need to get away from him.

Christ almighty. Get away from him. He sounds deranged - and nasty.

Keep standing your ground. Be guided by your intuition about this. You know this relationship is wrong.

I agree with all the previous posters he is trying to completely control you. In the past I was in a relationship similar to this and made the mistake of only ending it when receiving physical abuse. Please don't end up like that (I'm not saying it will for definite but the warning signs are there.)

Wow, what a loser he is. LTB.

I've left the house this morning with DS to stay with family whilst DH went out. He stayed up all night drinking and slept in the spare room, I can't live like this any more. I'm terrified about the future and what's going to happen but I felt I had no choice. Thank you for your advice.

You've made the best choice for you and your son. You don't need an emotionally manipulative abuser in your life, and your son certainly doesn't need it either.

He's a head fuck isn't he?
Of course you can't put him first you have a child! What an amptionally abusive, manipulative dick. Well done for standing your ground.