Depressed dp on wine binge - how can I help?

[Tanee58]

Having just hijacked someone else's thread, I'm starting my own ...

Anyone got any ideas for helping a depressed, out of work, middle aged actor, who's driving me absolutely nuts with his unexpected moods and two bottles of wine a night habit? My dp, who really is a lovely, sensitive man 90% of the time and quite the love of my life, has been out of regular work since December. He's an actor, so it goes with the territory, but we've only moved in together with mortgage etc 6 months ago and he does have a history of depression, but as he's been working fairly regularly the last few years, and we were also living quite far apart, it wasn't much in evidence. Bus sadly the depression has been triggered since Christmas by his feeling of being useless and not able to contribute to the family kitty, even though I've said we can manage (just!) on my salary till his next job. After last night, I feel like I can hardly wait till he goes away on tour in July! We were decorating my daughter's room and he kept disappearing to walk in the park, without telling me he was going. When he returned in the evening after his second jaunt, he just sat in the kitchen looking miserable & I really didn't feel like fussing over him, thought the best thing was to leave him to it; so he went to the front room with a bottle of wine and put on some REALLY loud metal music, deafened even poor dd who normally likes her music loud. I went in & turned it down before the neighbours started banging on the walls - just a little, as he was presuming finding it cathartic. I suppose I should have asked him if he minded turning it down but I was losing it by then. So then he turns it RIGHT up - big scene follows, I used some choice language and confiscated the wine as well which made him even more indignant (I'm sure he knows he's drinking too much, and it's unsaid, but some of that drinking money could go a little way towards the household expenses), and I guess he didn't like having this scene in front of my daughter (who's been great throughout, despite the fact that she's only recently become reconciled to his presence). He flounced out of the house with his bottle till midnight and went to bed without a word before I did, and I haven't really seen him since, as he got up again around dawn, muttering that he couldn't sleep. When I got up this morning he'd gone again, leaving his phone behind but, I think, taking another bottle of wine with him - so I expect he's sitting in our local park like some old wino swigging it back and feeling sorry for himself.

He's never really lived with anyone before, and I expect this is part of the teething problems and the work problem is a huge factor, but honestly, in the past 24 hours I've thought I'm better off with just dd and the cats!

I'm feeling so fed up this morning, want to shout at him but am also aware that he's in pain and we do love each other. Can't concentrate on work just now and felt like I needed to 'talk' to some people who might understand and perhaps reassure me that all is not lost!

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Good morning Tanee. Just to let you know i'm thinking of you. I know it's hard but, stay strong. You are doing a fantastic job!xx

Afternoon all, only me in the office today so have had to try and do some work plus catch up on some of your threads.

Dior, I seem to have lost yours - is it still running? It's gone from my 'watched threads' list and I don't remember deleting it. How are you and could you remind me where to find it?

Dp and I haven't discussed things yet - I think we're just letting the dust settle and being very kind and gentle - I think he regrets having been so horrible on Sunday and his only reference yesterday was to say 'this has been a horrible few days.' He was at the doctors having some physio for tendonitis in his shoulder, and it hurt so much that he went into a full blown panic attack - so dramatic that students were called in to have a look ! He was carted straight off to see one of the doctors, who checked his blood pressure (high) and he's due to go back for a checkup next week. He put the panic down to stress after recent events - and I hope that when he does see the doctor, he might discuss some of this - especially the drinking. I'm so afraid of him damaging his health with it.

Amijee, my dp's father died of emphysema and his mother's family have it big time - so I understand so much how you feel. Hope your dh will have another go at giving up soon.

I think a lot of the trouble would be sorted if dp found a temp job. He has applied for temping but nothing offered yet - you'd think there were loads of jobs out there - but most of them seem to want permanent type committment or qualifications that he doesn't have. Fingers crossed eh?

I'm hoping we can spend some of the weekend doing nice free things like a walk on Hampstead Heath. His best female friend has invited us to hers on Saturday and that will do him good as she's full of good sense.

Thanks again for all your support - I might sound like I've got things sussed, but I lost him 16 years ago when we were first dating, and I really don't want to lose him again!

Morning everyone, hope your Easter weekend is relatively good - at least it looks like the sun will be shining.

Things seem slightly better here, though the problem hasn't gone away of course. Dior, you're right, I am too supportive - I probably make too many allowances for him because he's a mess inside. He's had a huge number of relationships, but only the one that eventually became a live in one (and they BOTH drank like fish!), so I suppose I'm being extra careful to avoid confrontation because I want him to realise that living together doesn't have to be a battleground like our parents' marriages were/are & his one attempt with his frien. And apart from the present problems we really love each other's company.

The good news is that maybe - just maybe - he's making an extra effort with the drinkin. At least, last night we had a G&T in the garden when I got home from work, and pottered about trying to identify some of the mystery plants emerging, and after that although the wine bottle got opened as usual, I noticed that he was drinking much more slowly than usual and although I went to bed before he did, it looks this morning as if he only had one bottle instead of the usual 2. Only one empty by the bin & he hasn't touched the bottle I opened to have my usual single glass !

Mousie, Great idea to have two separate homes - it certainly worked for years! In a way, though, we do live apart for periods - a lot of his work, when he gets it, involves going away on tour for a couple of months. He'll be in Norfolk from July through September so I'll be back to seeing him at weekends then. He'll be happily absorbed and the honeymoon will be back on. It's just such a shame that things will always get tense when he's out of work. When I was a temp, I found that work picked up after Easter, & I hope that'll be the same for him. He only got around to seeing agencies last week and sent off CVs last Friday, so I just hope he gets offered something after the hols.

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Hi all,

Hope you all had decent weekends - we're still ok, though he didn't go out to visit any of his friends or round to my parents for Easter Sunday. Says he doesn't feel like company so I suppose I should be glad that he at least likes mine again. He did help with a bit of gardening, mainly demolishing parts of an enormous bay tree that overshadows the house (anyone want some very fragrant fresh bay leaves or saplings as we seem to have a plantation of baby bays at the bottom of the garden??)

I do think he should have made the effort to see his friends - a night out always cheers me up - but can't force him. Decoration of dd's room has ground to a standstill!

At least I'm making a big point of giving him plenty of hugs and he was very comforting when I had a nightmare on Sunday. Not all bad then.