Please help... Debt, break ups, depression.. Urgent *Edited by MNHQ*

[RockLobster93]

Okay so need some advice please.
Over the past couple of years I've managed to build up a lot of secret debt.. Partner and I had a big arguement a while ago and money has always been the root of it all, he told me if I ever lied about money again then that would be it and he'd leave. At this point the secret debt was already there, growing slowly. Not frivolous spending but just the basics to get us by as he is constantly fretting about falling short. So I helped out but kept it secret, like an idiot I know.
Now at the point where I need to consolidate the secret debts so he will end up finding out. I'd rather tell him before he finds out through a letter. We private rent, both work full time ect.
I've always struggled with depression but the past year its nearly been unbearable and with much persuading from the other half I've started seeing my GP, and started a low dose of setraline. Still struggling to get through most days, there have been a few occasions when I've left work halfway through the day "sick" or just not made it in at all. I plan ways to end it, although I know that is not the right thing to do.
I have a gorgeous 3 year old and she is literally the only thing keeping me going.

So long story short, I think I'm going to come clean this weekend and let him follow through with the break up. Don't know how on earth I'm going to get through this.
Even without this idk how to cope.
Getting out of bed is such a struggle and I have such dark thoughts all the time about just giving it all up.

Any advice please?

You should probably ask to get this moved to Relationships, there are many wise souls over there.

I think telling him would be a great weight off your mind. I think you're very stressed about this and whatever happens after, you will still feel relief as you won't be living a lie.

Re meds - I've been on sertraline for years. It takes a while to find the correct dose for you so don't give up.

Honestly is always the best policy, but if you feel that would be too damaging, why not chat with a debt consolidation company like Pay Plan and you could work out a debt repayment plan, he might never need to know.

Hi folks,

Just sending this over to relationships for the OP (and editing the title slightly as requested).

for you, RockLobster93.

I think he'll cope better if you try to find a solution. Have you heard of Step Change? Please contact them to see how they can help.

I think I am going to get in touch with stepchange, Papryus recommended them to me so its worth a shot.
As for our relationship... I think he's going to find out eventually. I honestly can't stand the stress any more and he's recently asked to see my bank statement... only a matter of time before he does find out anyway. It'll be up to him what comes of it but obviously I'd rather he didn't leave...
Have no idea how I'd fit work around childcare ect without his help...
So potential to become single and jobless in the near future...
Feeling a bit hopeless atm.
I know this is my own mess and I want to get it sorted out ASAP for my LO's sake more than anything. I can't go on feeling this low and she deserves a happy mum.

I think that if you can show him that you want to change, that you've done your research and will do x, y, z to start getting the debt under control then you might have a chance of staying together BUT you absolutely have to mean it.

Contact Step Change before doing anything with your current debts but don't delay as time is of the essence with this sort of problem.

In his shoes I would respond positively to your willingness to really sort this problem. Good luck!

Not frivolous spending but just the basics to get us by as he is constantly fretting about falling short
So it's just necessities then?
So why would he be mad about that?
How do your finances work right now?
I think there's more to this.
Do you pool your money and pay everything required from a joint account?
Or does he do what he wants with his money and you have to 'find' the rest?

Why do you lose his childcare help if you split up?
Is she not his?
If she's his, then ending your relationship is his choice - but don't allow him to end his practical involvement in raising his child!

Whatever way this ends up, removing this crippling secret will relieve all the pressure on you. There is no debt that can't be sorted out - get over to the MSE website. Success stories from 6 figure sums there! And 5 figure not unusual at all.

But if you split and this debt is as a result of essential spending, do not shoulder it alone. Sounds like a boyfriend not a husband so asset sharing is more fixed and looks like you'd keep the debt. But be careful not to give up much else through guilt, if that debt was for essentials.

If it was frivolous spending then I'm not going to judge him if he decides to end it.

But I promise you that any debt can be sorted out. Do speak to Stepchange, as you plan to.

Good luck OP

He should stick by you if he loves you. Not abandon you when you need him most. I hope he steps up and is the man you need him to be. If he doesnt then you will survive. Debt will be sorted with external help. Don't get overwhelmed with guilt. What is done is done. Time to fix it and move forward. He needs to understand how depressed you are before you tell him so that he moderates his reaction and doesn't push you over the edge with his own selfish emotions. Can your mum talk to him first and break the ground a little to prepare him?

Look either way sweetheart it's the not knowing what will happen that is killing you right now.

Coming clean may negate the lies especially if you explain how it all built up and that his threat to leave meant you didn't feel able to tell him

I don't think he'll stay. He's not her parent but he's been amazing for her. He knows about the depression ect but his general response is "What do you expect me to do? Idk how on earth I'm supposed to help" and that generally just leads to some sort of argument about how shitty I am. Idk.
My mum doesn't know, nobody knows. I've kept this really secret and it just gets worse. I want to tackle this and sort out the debt instead of being an idiot and burying my head in the sand.
I can't see him staying.

I have some sympathy (as a sister to depressed siblings) with not knowing what to do to help.
But - no excuse for saying it's your fault. It's not.

You might actually like to consider whether you want to end it with him

The problem is the lies, not the debt.

And he laid out what is a perfectly reasonable line in the sand. Though it does sound as if the finances of the relationship have been deeply dysfunctional for quite some time, and that communication between you is poor.

Have you thought about how you will go about telling him?

You will have a huge task ahead of you in terms of setting up again by yourself (a quite likely outcome) but this is going to be way better than suffering under the burden of the lies. Ending a relationship, even an unhappy one, is deeply shit in the early days but is also the start of a better future.

I suggest you make an appointment to see your GP and seek further help for your deprrsssion.

Seek medical help & confess all. If I was on the receiving end of the debt & the lies, it'd be a deal clincher for me.