Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hate my partners mother

18 replies

MamaCha · 30/08/2017 20:14

Hi all this is my first post on mumsnet. Sorry if I ramble on a bit.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 and 1/2 years. We have a little boy of 1 together and I have a daughter of 8 from a previous relationship.
The 4 of us have merged great as a family as have my parents with my partner but his family hate me and I hate them.
His mother has never liked me even before she met me, because as i had a child already, I was in her words a 'gold digger'
We lost a baby before we had our son and it broke out our hearts.
Her words "Why would I say sorry I never made it happen" They are vile cold people. My partner was the biggest earner in their family as he is a manager. His mother has never worked a day in her life (even though she berates me for not working right now) His dad is self employed and his sister work full time in a shop. As soon as my partner said he was moving in with us she was sending endless nasty text that I was classless, lazy, a money grabber etc. As she realised it was an income less for her house.
I have caught her out on many a lie and she has called her son the lier (I know for a fact twice it was her not him)
She is one of these people who are never wrong and are always the victim.
I lost it and told her exactly what I think of her and the way she treats her son.
I own everything I say and do to people and I am honest in what I say.
I now have nothing to do with her but my partner still take the kids to see them.
It is a constant debate between us.
I don't see any good qualities those people could teach my children.
If they can say such horrid thing about their own son and the child we lost. How can they possibly treat my kids well.
Furthermore I feel totally disrespected and just when he take the kids to her and I left myself because of the way she has acted.
Any thoughts?
Am I too harsh to stop them seeing the kids?
Sorry if it sounds petty but this woman has pushed our family to breaking point for 4 years.
Thank you for reading Smile

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 20:18

The biggest problem you have is your PARTNER. Why isn't he supporting you? Why does he allow his mother to be such a hideous cow? That's the real issue. Seems to me he's a spineless mummy's boy, and that's just the way she wants it.

Original poster
MamaCha · 30/08/2017 20:29

He has got firmer with her as he has started to realise what she is like (I think )

She seems to use emotional blackmail to make them feel they have to support her.
She continually tells them she has a heart condition and bowel problems so could die at any second.
(But she has never been to the doctor to get diagnosed/ medicines/ check ups)
I hon eslty don't think she is what my kids need as an example of who to be.

OP posts:
Nadinexo1 · 30/08/2017 20:47

I've been in this situation and my husband didn't stick up for me at all. He used to say he was stuck in the middle and wanted to stay out of it. it was the biggest source of arguments in our house.... I'm no longer married to him and a lot of it has to do with the fact that he never once stood up for me and I got sick of being treated horribly by his family.

Anon171175 · 30/08/2017 20:54

Nowhere near as bad as this but, I used to really dislike my MIL. She never made me feel welcome, used to ignore all my routines when she looked after the kids and loads of other (petty) stuff. My ex NEVER took my side. He always stuck up for her and usually made out it was me with the problem.
He is now my ex partner and strangely, I get on better with her!
My point is, most men never stand up to their mothers. I would be more mad at him for not seeing your point of view.
Sorry you're not being petty but your DH is spineless and you need to stand up to him and refuse to let the kids go with him.

Thefullmoon · 30/08/2017 20:56

I think you are wise to go as NC with her as you can but let your partner take the kids to see them. That's what I did and it worked fine.
I had years of going round for sunday lunch to be told the same disparaging stories about dh. Tedious. So I stopped going.
now her husband has died shes wondering why I'm not more supportive.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/08/2017 20:59

I don't think you should ask him to pick between you. They are his parents at the end of the day and you don't want the resentment from him if you make him pick.

Yes I can totally understand that you would hate your children going there but they did raise your dh and you like him?

You will never change them, accept that and stop giving them head space - your life will be so much better

QuiteLikely5 · 30/08/2017 21:00

Oh and I don't think it's a dh problem. They are the problem and he cannot change them.

LesisMiserable · 31/08/2017 13:23

Its not a case of letting him take his child/children to see his parents - thats his call and you cant dictate - unless you want to come across as equally controlling as his mum in which case you have no moral high ground at all.

Anon171175 · 31/08/2017 22:21

Sorry I don't agree. I wouldn't want my children around people like this. Its not just that you don't like her, she is vile and nasty. I would not let my kids near her.

SandyY2K · 31/08/2017 22:26

You can maintain NC, but you can't prevent them seeing the children. Is she nice to your DD?

JKR123 · 01/09/2017 03:26

I cut contact with my inlaws last year and have never regretted it since. Although I hate it I allow my dh to take my son to their house for visits. However if my mil was like your partners mother and said the things she said then no way would my son go round there. She sounds like a very toxic person. Sounds like you made the right decision to stop seeing her.

LesisMiserable · 01/09/2017 10:59

*our son, surely. Women being territorial over their children..isnt that just repeating the problem ?

Original poster
MamaCha · 01/09/2017 13:20

Hi all
SandyY2K yes they have always been lovely to My daughter when she is with them and for that I always thank them for that.
But they have also caused chaos in the children's family home and done everything to try spilt up myself and the only father figure my daughter has ever know/ my son's actual father.

I know I am giving them too much head space but it's just hard to know the only reason they hate me is beacuse I have a daughter already and because I love her son.
I will never repaired our relationship after what she said when we lost the baby.
It just about accepting the situation.

I have just seen how much she has hurt her own son the child she created. And I don't want them to do that to our children.
Thank you All for your feed back and sharing you experiences :)

OP posts:
Happydoingitjusttheonce · 01/09/2017 14:51

Are your husband's father and sister cold vile people too? If so I'd take that as a potential red flag re your partner. Be careful

SandyY2K · 01/09/2017 16:35

I never understand why women are so nasty like this to other women.

Her son has chosen to be with you and she needs to accept that.

Given that she doesn't like the fact that you had a child already, I'm surprised she's happy to see your DD.

Does she ever ask why you don't visit?

Original poster
MamaCha · 01/09/2017 19:00

Hi all
His father agreed with her always for an easy life.
She rules the roost.
(Example my father in law wanted to join his friends football team and he was told no by his wife as it's dirty and dangerous. And that was the end of the story)
Her daughter defend her mother which I understand as she still live with her also.

I am not allowed in her home anymore.

When I first started visiting with the kids and my partner we had to give her a few days notice before we went up. (She lives across the street)
Now as I won't meet her every demand I am not longer welcome in her home.

Side note; my partner us to be quite cold but having the kids and living with us he is now more cuddly and less serious.

OP posts:
12345hanahana678 · 12/08/2019 22:03

I have been with my partner for 5 and a half years (no kids) so I apologise that I don’t know how to help with this. I have been struggling with my mil since the day we met. She is disabled, cold, bitter, blunt, heartless, negative, unkind and I could carry on. She guilt trips my partner into doing everything for her, even going to her house to make her food and drinks and of course he does. He never had a father growing up so I think he believes he owes her a lot. She is horrible to him and yet he does everything for her. I despise her and wish my partner would see her for what she really is but he just doesn’t. She will be the end of my relationship unless things change. I’ve had enough. What do I do?

savingshoes · 17/08/2019 01:39

Totally sympathise.
MIL is similar, thought FIL was like yours but actually showed his true colours a few years back and is just as vile as MIL.
My suggestion is that you set boundaries for your BF to allow your children to know who their relatives are but still remove them from the adult conflict.
Example: he takes children to a child friendly location such as a park, indoor play area for 2 hours a month where his family can meet him.
It's a public place so they'll have to mutter any negative thoughts they have to your BF which won't be in ear shot of your children (who are likely to be more interested in playing)
If your BF chooses to continue visiting (like mine does) then he can, but the children then do not get involved and don't pick up their bad habits.
You can't stop your BF seeing his family no matter how awful they are to you. It's an insult each time they meet up but that's still his family... so let him endure them.
Good luck!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page