Mums Husband Constantly Aggravates DD (2 y.o)

[Brandyanddietcoke]

Hi, I posted about this a month or so ago but in step-parenting but I've had another 'incident' with mums husband (step dad) again yesterday and now thinking about taking the drastic action of only letting daughter go to Grannies when he's not there.
Stepdad and mum been together since I was 2, they had 2 more children afterwards. As long as I remember hes always been the agravating type, telling me he'd pull my teeth out with pliers when I had toothache, pointing out and making fun if i had a spot as a teenager,
and asking what the 'hell' was that I was wearing etc... He's the type of man that you can't ever have a serious conversation with. When I had just had my DD and was suffering a bit with PND and crying on mums shoulder about how tired i was, his response was 'its your own fault, you wanted kids.'

Anyway, since DD was tiny, he's treated her very roughly. Telling her he will give her some fist when she's older, poking her, telling her to 'shut up' when shes crying etc... I bought this up to my mum at the time as it really upset me but she just brushes it off by saying 'its just his way' or 'he's only joking'. But it's not a nice way and i don't see anybody laughing! I withdrew from visiting my mums house for a while, altho it was really hard because she was my only form of relief! And, my mum did have a word with stepdad at one point and things seemed to get a little better. I prefer it when he doesnt interact with her at all to be honest! But since DD has been walking and talking, he's back to his oldself again, he play fights with her, far too rough. He constantly aggravates her, when shes sat playing so nicely, he has to poke her or pull off her sock, or pull her trousers up really far, or something else which I find humiliating for her. I dont even want to get started on the things he says because the thread would go on forever but to give you an example, when i was there yesterday (for dinner) my mum who i think tries to push DD on stepdad (becos she wants him to want to spend time with her) told my daughter to go and help him with the puppies, (they breed dogs) So my DD who is excited by this, trundles off and i can hear him, asking if she wants to go in the cage, to which she obviously replies 'No' and then he's asking 'are you sure? I can lock the door on it' Anyway, then he starts telling her he's going to shave her head, like he shaves the dogs and i can hear in her voice she is upset. He then moves onto the next thing to wind her up about. Why?!?!? Shes an innocent little girl, so lovely and well behaved. Why is he trying to turn her into a nervous wreck? All 4 of my mums kids have grown up having to overcome shyness and since witnessing how stepdad behaves around children, i genuinely believe it is largely down to him!

Let me cut to the chase, yesterday, the shite hit the fan when at lunch, my sis's baby was crying and stepdad shouted 'oi shut it' to the baby and then 5 minutes later, my DD said the same thing to baby 'oi shut it' and my mum told her NOT to do it. Well, i exploded! How can Stepdad behave that way and then DD gets told off for copying his behavior? Shes 2 for goodness sakes. He said 'well you know what to do then, get her coat on and take her home'. So I told him 'what you need to do is grow up and act like a responsible adult around children.' Then I took DD home. I am so shaken. I have decided that i shant take DD up there when he is there anymore, altho mum used to have DD so much to help out. So I will really suffer on childcare issues, but Id rather struggle than have DD at the mercy of that big bully. I am thinking of writing my mum a letter explaining how I feel because I cant bare to do it face to face. She is the type of woman to sweep things under the carpet and uses blatent denial tactics. Also, i have tried having a word with my sis (but its her natural father) and she claims she isn't bothered by his behaviour, which i find bizarre.

It would be really good to have other mums thoughts/experiences on this matter.

You are doing the right thing keeping away from him.What a bully.I know it's hard having to keep away but the damage that will be done to the child emotionally is not worth the trade off for childcare.Do you have any friends etc who can help with childcare.
I still suffer from some of the things that I was taunted with as a child(i have a major thing about false teeth after being chased with them by a relative)its hard to get over these things as you obv know.
I hope your mum starts listening and realises what an arse he is.

bloke is a bullying arse. awful behaviour, poor little girl. i think you'd both be a lot happier if you avoided him. do you think your mum might come to your home? is he there all the time?

not sure whether confrontation is going to help here, you have tried already and have walked out, perhaps wait for your mum to contact you? don't know really, just feel sorry for you and your daughter.

Message withdrawn

You are doing the right thing keeping him away from your DD, he sounds horrible. It might be tough with childcare but at least she will know you were protecting her and wont have to have sad memories of being unhappy at her grans house. I hope your mum comes to her senses and helps you out in a way that means your DD can still see her but not him.

I agree, I would keep my child away from him. The thing is he will always see it as your problem; in his mind I guess he's mr funny, so he will say you have no sense of humour....so I can't see how it can improve because having had his own kids and not modified his behaviour there is just no way he will modify it now.

His 'humour' is totally inappropriate for young children who will of course take what he says literally. I think you're right, this sort of approach with kids can surely make them feel insecure as they don't know when to trust what he says or not!

I think he sounds a huge bore and none of you will be missing out by not seeing him though of course it will impact on you in terms of missing your mum's help.....I think a letter may be a good idea, write it when you feel really calm so that you can be as positive as you can; obviously he is her dh and she has put up with her approach with her own kids so she simply can't think it's as bad as you do, but you're just asking her to respect your view and hopefully see you on her own instead.

And your mum is wrong, you are right, he sounds AWFUL!

How awful that you aren't getting support from your family.

It takes a lot of guts to stand up to a bully. People will often take a lot of c--p themselves, which is up to them, but when your children start getting bullied that's the time to draw the line.

Saying nasty things but passing it off as a joke is so cowardly. Anyone who is genuinely joking will certainly stop as soon as they are told they've caused offence. When I was at university, someone in my group of friends would constantly be on the wind up. I mean constantly, every conversation was peppered with jokes at others' expense. Funny at times, maybe, but with absolutely no let up it started to grind me down. The problem was the intensity and frequency of the digs, rather than any one comment. I confronted him and explained that I had laughed in the past but it was now offensive to me rather than funny. He told me I was wrong to let it get to me, he was just joking, etc. you know the drill. The jibes continued. I just had to make a point of avoiding him, a pity when we had mutual friends. But I wasn't going to make myself a victim. Nor was I going to lower myself to his level.

It's so good to hear that I'm not the only one who thinks he is a bully! Thank you.

Yes I do think he is perhaps getting at me, he cant have an ounce of respect for me or my DD. My mum is in complete denial about his behavior (perhaps after years and years of it, she realises she cant change him and it was too convient (sp) to just push me on him as a child, so she could get her jobs done!)Even when she was getting DD's coat on yesterday, she was telling DD that the reason we were going was because I was tired and wanted to get home to have a rest! And my sis too, just after the incident (you could cut the tension with a knife!) asked if i wanted a cup of tea!?! Not to mention, my mum telling DD to go and give Stepdad a kiss before we went. (I was back to biting my tongue at this point)

My mum has already text me this morning as if everything is normal. But I shan't just fall back into thinking everything is alright because it isnt. I just hope my mum will co-operate with me, ie: letting me know when it's 'all clear' to go up there etc... She never stays more than 5 minutes at my home, wont sit down at all, shes very set in her ways, always got something to do at home. I know she adores DD, so I'm hoping that she will make the effort. (after she gets over the initial upset.)

Quite honestly, BADC, when I read your original post, I felt sick, and now having read this I feel worse. And that's me, whose daughter hasn't had to suffer this, so I can only start to imagine how furious, protective and hurt (by your mum's attitude) you must be.

This isn't funny, it's not a joke, it's not about you or DD lacking a sense of humour. He is, to be frank, a pathetic, cowardly bully who must be such a big man if he has to resort to getting some sort of kick out of picking on young children. At any age it would be completely unacceptable but DD is 2, she's a baby. How dare he do this ?

You were quite right to explode at lunch yesterday. A 2 year old can have no concept of how rude and aggressive (to another baby) "oi, shut it" sounds. But that bastard should do, and then he has the temerity to tell you to get your coat when you object to DD being told off for copying what an ignorant and spiteful so-called "adult" had said previously.

I'm sorry if this alarms you, but from everything you've said, I would go so far to say that he sounds like a sadist - someone who enjoys inflicting cruelty on others. I feel very very uneasy about this and I must know a fraction of what has been going on but remarking to a baby that he'll "give her some fist" when she's older is plain sick.

My whole body would be screaming no, no, no to ever letting my daughter anywhere near this repulsive creep. I appreciate how upset you must feel given that such a decision may affect your mum but you have got to put your daughter first or else you would never forgive yourself if she grew up with issues of insecurity etc., or, for that matter, "simply" had a rotten time each time she saw him (forgetting the future) .... why should she have to endure that ?

TBH, it wouldn't surprise me if your mum is suffering too, abused women (and what he's doing and has done to children IS abuse) all too often employ vehement denial tactics, she may be scared of what would happen to her and her security should she actually acknowledge what's been going on, and remember, this has been going on for years, so she's had a lot of time to be brainwashed by him. She could well be frightened by him ...... I know I would be, even if the behaviour wasn't directed at me personally, and may therefore be passively condoning him (for fear of him starting on her) by pretending everything is "normal" and/or anyone who criticises him can't take a joke.

I'm afraid, in your shoes, if my mum didn't "co-operate" that would be that. I simply wouldn't take the risk of going up there, and my mum would have to come to me instead. It doesn't matter what HE thinks if you blank him from now on .... he's a piece of shitty scum. I'd personally never have him in my home again, nor go anywhere he was likely to be.

I can't bear people who treat children like this, and i am not surprised you are unhappy about it.
He might just have no natural confidence in dealing tenderley and gently with children (or anyone!), and i do thnk some men cover this up with a sort of 'gruff love' - or he might be a real unpleasant bully. Whichever, Iwouldn't want my child left with him, and i think you are doing exactly the right thing by creating distance.

My ex FIL was like this man. It used to make me shudder watching his behaviour with my niece and nephew.

Luckily, I never see him now and I had the pleasure of pointing out to him, heavily pregnant and hormonal, that if he ever laid a finger on either of my children, I'd floor him. I meant business.

Bullies like this man need someone to stand up to them and point out that it really isn't funny. Stick to your guns, I'm sure your Mum will see your point of view.

It makes me so mad

Good luck X

i am definitely with catsmother on this one... she is talking sense, even though you may not think it is this serious/extreme...
she is.
threatening to put DD in a cage??! wtf.
i would keep her well away
your mum will come to see you - if you stick to your guns.
keep your DD away from him. what an arse.

Keep yourself and DD away from him is the only advice I can give you. I have had lots of experience with bullying parents (mine and DHs). They rely on the fact they know youll try to do the right thing and keep bringing your child to see them so she can have a relationship with extended family. But one day, I just thought "no way- this is a model for DD on how people behave towards each other- she may even marry someone like that if she thinks its normal behaviour". Just that thought in itself was enough for me to keep her away and make my peace with myself.
I think your mum is really in the wrong here and really in denial. You feel so protective towards your DD. Well, Im going to have to say...why the hell doesnt your mum feel like that towards you FFS? Or why didn`t she when you were growing up?

Yes cats mother, think you are right on the money and the more i think about it, the more warped i believe the man is. Have spent the last few hours thinking about whether it is possible my mum is scared of him but in actual fact, i think she oppresses him, for example, he smokes but has to pretend he doesn't, he doesnt have any friends nor social life, his wages go directly to my mum and he darent even ask for chip money on a friday! He works everyhour he can and when hes not working, my mums got a job for him. Just before the said incident, she told him off for sitting down! I want to tell you that she is a nice, generous, kind woman which is what i have always thought, until ive started peeling back the layers over the last 24 hours and realised that a good amount of this is her fault. She pushed us on stepdad for her benefit, so she could get all her housework done and he obliged (even though he probably didnt want to) because he doesnt want to upset her/doesnt want to lose her (or is perhaps scared of her) and ended up bitter and angry and full of resentment in the process. So she bullies him and he in return bullies the only people he can, which is the children. They live in such a little bubble, no one would ever know, well no one but me, who has just begun analysing it!

Wow, i never realised i had such a messed up family... Thank you for keeping your sympathies coming by the way, you are all soooo right and it makes me feel so much more confident that I'm doing the right thing. (Although I havent done anything yet, am still trying to decide between, letter or face to face, serious confrontation or mild reasoning etc...)