Going low or no contact with family

[Bobbins43]

I've been thinking increasingly about reducing the amount of contact I have with my family.

My parents and brothers and their families all live very close to me, about a 5/10 minute drive away. But every time I see them or have anything to do with them, I basically come away upset. I think they are mostly good people, they just have a very specific view about how I should live my life. And I am tired of it.

I don't want to have a big row or show down with them because I don't think it'll achieve anything. But I'm essentially on my own with two children in a town filled with family I don't really want to see. I don't work (long story) and have no childcare when my kids aren't at school. And I still love my parents and want their approval. But the rational part of me knows it isn't ever going to happen without me becoming a completely different person.

How do you cope with the practical and emotional side of doing this?

Thanks for reading through all this. I hope it makes some sense

I did and it is hard but my god I felt so much better afterwards.
I have very low contact with them now the odd call. Very rarely see them.
I was the same as you, I would come away feeling horrible about myself everytime i saw them and it did come to head one day with a huge row. (Long story) but that pretty much finished it for me and the relief I felt was brilliant.
You don't have to be mean, Just distance yourself and if and when you do speak don't give alot of info about what you are doing etc. I learned to nod and smile and just carry on the minute i stopped letting them get into my head, the better i felt. It took me 35 years to do this though.
Good luck, remember there will be times where you feel guilty and even miss them,that's normal. Just remember how much more free you feel not having the judgement hanging over you all the time.

Thanks. I've just had two phone calls asking me to reconsider getting divorced so I guess it's time to put this plan into action.

You don't say how old you are but my guess is too old to need their approval. If you can care a bit less about their opinions it will upset you less it's none of their business anyway!!!

I am too old to need their approval but I can't quite figure out how to do without it. I've been in tears most of the afternoon and evening. I just wish I was mature enough to get past it and not so desperate for their approval

Come over to the Stately Homes thread :)

It is so difficult when you have spent your entire life seeking approval and no matter what you do you will never get it. It's when you realise this that's when it is so much easier. I had a realisation that I could be a multi millionaire heart surgeon (It's all about status with mine) and it still wouldn't be good enough, it was so much easier. The stately home thread is great.
You have to in your own head draw a line and think I don't care what they think about me I AM GOOD ENOUGH. It can take time but you get there in the end.
I was always happy with my life, not rich sometimes struggled a little financially, but got through it and I was made to feel like what I was satisfied with was not good enough. It was dreadful.
You can move forward. You can get loads of good advice and support from here as you will find ALOT of mumsnetters are in the same boat with all different stories but many you can relate to.

I've just overturned a major decision I made because of my family pressuring me. I know that initial decision was the right one to make and I don't intend to stick by this new decision but I can't get over how they don't care about how I feel or what this is doing to me. As long as I toe the line

OP, family is one of those things that I think is totally overrated. It seems if someone is 'family' then their behaviour is more acceptable than other people's. I would imagine there is no way you would let non relations push you about?

What does your family bring that is positive to your life? Why are you so desperate for their approval? Is it low self esteem from yourself, or does it stem from growing up with family that only seemed interested when you were achieving?

I would seek counselling before doing anything rash. Work out the answers to the above questions and go from there.

For what it's worth, I went no contact with my step mother, her children and some other family members. Four years in now and I don't regret it. My life is better. Do what is best for you.

I think it's mostly low self esteem. That I only felt worthy when I was helping people do things. Even to my own detriment.

Thank you for your posts. They've given me lots to think about