Marriage feels dead in the water

[Marriageintrouble]

I'm at a point where I'm no longer sure that I want to be in my marriage and I just don't know what to do.
We're both 45, married 15 years, 4dc (youngest is 5). He's a surgeon so long hours, oncalls, weekend work etc. I work part time in school hours.

It's always been great, he's been my best friend, we support each other etc etc but over the last few months or so it's changed. He always seems so stressed with work and never seems to have time for me and dc. They even call him moody. He runs and plays tennis and it feels like he's happy doing that but not doing stuff with me and the dc.

Our sex life is virtually non existent with him having ED the last couple of times we've tried. It's always me that tries to initiate it (never used to be) and I'm tired of the rejection. Menopausal symptoms are making me feel fat and ugly so self esteem is pretty low at the moment.

I've began to wander what he brings to the marriage other than money. I've tried talking to him and we've had tearful conversations. He always seems shocked when I mention divorce (he's adamant that he wants to stay together so as not to disrupt the dc) and realises we're in a down phase but seems to think that it will naturally pick up again. He won't consider counselling although I've wondered if it'd help me alone.

He loves me but doesn't seem in love with me, he's affectionate as in a peck on the cheek, hair rub but there's no real intimacy. We occasionally go on date nights and have a nice time but I get frustrated with the lack of sex afterwards.

I can't talk to any friends as they're pretty much all mutual and it would feel like betraying him hence why I'm asking a bunch of strangers on the internet. Does it sound like our marriage is dead? What can we do to salvage it if he's not willing to try? I don't want to split up but equally I don't want to be in a sexless marriage. Im pretty sure there's no one else involved as he wouldn't have time for an affair.

I wonder whether you have a truly crap marriage, or whether it is a relationship that has lost its spark? Is there an underlying foundation of mutual respect, love, equality, companionship?

I guess that for you both, as individuals and as a couple, there have been many years when life has been punctuated by big events, new developments, exciting thing to look forward to - the graduation, starting a career, getting new qualifications, meeting and falling in love, buying your first home together, getting engaged / married, moving into a family home, having babies.... Now there is a period where everything can feel like a slog, the same as the day before, no big achievements on the horizon (either individually or together). Too far away from being child-free or happy retirement, enough money for life to be comfortable rather than a shared struggle. No wonder it feels tedious for you both.

Add into that a general sense of lost youth and vigour, and a significant bereavement, and it's a really tough period of your lives.

It's a risky time because anything that offers excitement or achievement might appear attractive.... the lure of another person / relationship, the illusion of freedom and youthfulness, even the 'excitement', planning and achievement of divorce.... It's a time when you can grow together or risk growing apart.

So what to do? I agree with others about counselling for you to help to help gather your thoughts and understand yourself and what you want, but I also think couples counselling can help you both discuss what is going on currently and agree whether you have big dreams and achievements that you can share, or support each other in. It might be taking a sabbatical together and spending 6 months doing something really different (I know a couple who spent 4 months working on a charity project, in their home town so they didn't disrupt their kids schooling), or maybe you could find a new invigorating career that he would be willing to support you in (and one where he could share in your excitement)... Even if things don't work out in the end it deserve some thinking about and effort, rather than drifting apart?

I could have written this message myself a few years ago, hubby was always stressed with work and showed little interest in me or the kids. I just thought that he was busy and things would improve, turns out I was wrong and there was an other woman, who he is now living me, having left me just over 18 months ago.

You said you considered he might be having an affair, I did too, but it was dismissed, I believed him. What a fool!!

I hope I am wrong, but my instincts say, that he is being unfaithful or at least contemplating it.

Good luck xx

I too think it could be saved. When things get bad they don't naturally get better without something changing and he and you both need to bout your heads together

A) to agree you love each other
B) that things could be better and you both want them to be better
C) how you can both make slight or bigger changes for things to improve

It's ok for you to say your not happy and that's made worse still by nothing being done so the bad patch is needlessly dragging on.

I find having the talk and acknowledging is the first step, then it's useful to suggest you both think of ideas over the next couple of days and discuss a game plan on the third. Gives him time to think and not feel ambushed. Gives you the chance to see if he's prepared to put any effort in or whether you're wasting your time.

I think he's stressed personally. All the signs point to that. Sounds like he's On life's treadmill, can't see a way off & his career is dictating his headspace.
I think this is down to him to sort, if he wants to

It's utterly devastating reading that you all think he's having an affair. He knows that would be an absolute deal breaker for us as I would never stay with him or forgive him. A couple of months ago I went through his phone and there was absolutely no eveidence whatsoever. I also asked him outright as I did again this morning after reading some of the replies on here. I'm as certain as I can be that there's no one else involved and I have to believe that as without trust, there is nothing.

Knowing that the dc think he's moody has given him a bit of a wake up call and he's said he's going to make more effort not to be. He's very much a one step at a time person whereas I tend to rush in with impatience and would have us at counselling and the GP for ED etc etc. But as he says this isn't all going to be sorted by next week (which is the level of my impatience!) and will take time.

The last few months at work have been extra stressful as a surgeon left and so there's been more work and oncalls but someone new has started so hopefully it may ease the pressure a bit. His df was also a hospital doctor and there were so many nice things said about him at his funeral from colleagues over the years and I think that dh wants to be the same. He idolised his df and I'm sure it probably has had an effect on him. His df also was never around much and he often says that as a child he hardly saw him so I guess that his role model.

Thank you again for all your responses and for your PM hesandidiot. You've really helped me work things through in my head. I've downloaded the book onto my kindle and I will look into counselling once the dc are back at school next week. Hopefully once I get back into a routine too I'll feel better as I'm going slightly bonkers now as I've been at home with the dc for 3 weeks!!

I showed my Dh my thread. He found it helpful to read a variety of messages from other people and we talked about the points raised. It really helped us maybe it would help your Dh? My Dh also read this thread as it was pertinent. Hope u get somewhere.

Btw I read your first post & wondered if he might be feeling like his career wasn't what he wanted. Maybe his dad's death brought it home that he doesn't see his kids enough. Your most recent post leaves me wondering that even more...

Yes yes to some therapy together.

Can you do big life changes, his job change even though it will mean a cut in lifestyle?

Why did you go through his phone and ask him outright a few months ago? What were your instincts telling you?

I'm glad he is talking to you about things. If he can see how much he has checked out, hopefully that will be a wake up call to reconnect.

OP you could on some levels be describing my DH. He has a high flying career whilst I'm a SAHM. He can be very moody & cold at times & I would say our marriage is definitely on the rocks. We have talked so many times but little has changed. However I am ADAMANT that he is not having an affair he is just a complete twat in other ways.

I think Oly5 gives some very good advice.

My DH emotionally checked out of our marriage and he wasn't having an affair.

It's been a long slow road back but it is happening.

IMO he is being very U not to agree to couples' counselling, or to seek medical advice about his erectile dysfunction.

Assuming for a minute that he's not having an affair it sounds like all his energy and time is spent at work. Workaholism can be a massive problem for relationships. Less talked about on MN than affairs but common in RL IME.

Have you considered whether the ED and moodiness could be signs of male menopause?

www.nhs.uk/conditions/Male-menopause/Pages/Introduction.aspx