And I'm going to do it here. I just want to put it down, acknowledge it iyswim.
If we were armchair diagnosing him we'd say that he was a narcissist. But part of me doesn't want to accept that just yet. Because it would make it all a lie.
When we first met it was meant to be a fling. He was charming and confident and very, very impressive. I was in awe of him. Neither of us wanted a relationship. But he said he was crazy about me, he said I was his favourite non-player character (red flag). He asked me out. I said but you don't want a girlfriend. He said "i only have the best things". I ticked all his boxes and he was a huge cheerleader for me, in the first few months he was so, so supportive. I was intelligent, beautiful, sexy as fuck, kind, sweet, independent, i made his life better. And we made such a cute couple.
Soon enough he was telling me that he loved me. I said i wasn't ready and he understood and was supportive. But i was obsessed with him so i said it too soon after.
He introduced me to all his friends. I was incredible, so much better than his exes (red flag - but then he was still friends with them, and saw them regularly so i ignored).
His bragging about our relationship went too far, gave away too much detail. I broke it off. He was apologetic, promised to make it right and gave me space. We got back together.
He cheated on me. But he was drunk, manipulated by an ex. Yada yada. He did feel terrible about it, genuinely terrible. But then a couple of months later he asked me if he could start sleeping with her again to (essentially) stop her from moving on (they have dc together) but she's apparently the manipulative one. He refused to tell his ex that he had a girlfriend. And yes by now it's looking like mardi gras with all the flags waving.
Everything was to his schedule, his preferences. He sold this as self-care. One time i pushed my needs above his and he threw it back in my face, viciously.
He was a casual, habitual liar.
He was convinced i spent my time away from him miserable, just waiting for the warm rays of his attention.
He was crippled with self loathing and the fear that he was not meeting other peoples expectations.
He was an alcoholic.
He made grand gestures for people and then resented them for not being grateful enough.
He was sexually selfish. I found myself becoming his perfect fantasy sexually. He was into some pretty kinky stuff. I enjoyed it. But i enjoyed the idea of fulfilling his needs more.
We bonded over past bad relationships. When he talked about his most recent ex i did think "i bet she has a different story" but one of his (female) friends seemed to confirm his version.
We looked like the couple I've always wanted to be part of. And with editing we even sounded like it.
He broke up with me because i dared ask for a little consideration. He told me i was emotionally abusive, manipulative, a gaslighter. He told me that i was putting too much pressure on him. That i thought too highly of him and he'd never meet my expectations. He said he wanted to be a good boyfriend but he just couldn't be.
I'm already no-contact and in therapy before you suggest it 
. But really i just want to put it down. I did my part in maintaining the facade - only telling my friends the highlights - so writing it makes it a bit more real.
But i still want to believe he's a good man, that he cared about me and not just me as placeholder for the perfect girlfriend.