Split up with boyfriend after 2 years.

Original poster

thisissonotme · 30/08/2017 15:52

Hello.

I've never been on a site like this but I'm having a very hard time at the moment and need a bit of advice. Unfortunately my Mum passed away when I was little and my Dad is useless. I have just moved back to the UK after being away for 7 years. Well 2 years ago and that's how long I've been with my newly ex boyfriend.

We had a very good relationship 80% of the time. But when we fought, we FOUGHT. I suffer with my mental health and he doesn't understand my anxieties about cheating/commitment etc that I have brought in from another relationship. He had told me last week I was the love of his life and we had gone kayaking and had had a great day. The only problem with us is we are both crap at fighting. So now after the last 'last time' my boyfriend has decided that it's over and he 'doesn't love me anymore'. I just can't get my head around it, can't grasp it. How can someone be the love of someone's life one week and mean nothing the next?
I am in such a state of shock i do not know what to do. I have become quite mean lately to him and have become a bit of a moaning myrtle. I have been working 60 hours a week trying to save money in the bank so when i start my nursing degree in April I have stability. I know he did love me loads, he always told me. I fear it is lost and I have become preoccupied with money and hours at work whist losing the only thing that truly matters to me.

I've chosen to open up a mumsnet account because i've been on here a lot, albeit I'm not a Mother. I had an abortion last year and things turned sour. We were very excited about it but i decided to abort as I wanted to study. I haven't been the same since, i envy pregnant woman and catch myself looking at toddlers and babies and cooing at them all the time (I'm 29).

I just need a bit of advice really, how can someone's feelings change in an instant. I know he loves me and is being stubborn but I also know we've been fighting so much this has to happen. I do want him to be happy but I'm just so confused as to what to thing.

Does anyone see a chance of us getting back together given the story or not? and any advice about if not, and the help with my heartbreak would be greatly appreciated. I don't have any close friends, they're all married with kids and we've grown apart after me living in Australia for 7 years. My boyfriend is my world and I thought I was his. Just last week he was telling me (i do sleep-ins at work) that he won't do work on his car unless I'm doing a sleep in. He wanted to spend all his free time with me, it was just me and him, besties. We both don't drink, are quite introverted (but bubbly) and aren't interested in social media. I'm worried I've just lost the love of my life.

OP posts:

Anon171175 · 30/08/2017 15:57

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this. It does sound as though he has simply just had enough of the fighting, rather than suddenly falling out of love with you. You're right, someone is not the love of your life one week, then no longer love you a week later.
I wonder if some stuff in the past is still bothering him and its not been properly resolved e.g. the abortion.
It sounds like you could both benefit from couples counselling - do you think he would agree to this?
When did he break up with you? I'm assuming it was in the last few days. Maybe its worth giving him some space and not pestering him for another chance. Then ask to meet him and try to have a heartfelt talk with him. Sounds like you both need to make some changes if you want this to work.
I can't tell you whether you have a chance or not, without hearing his side. All you can do is talk to him.
The bottom line is, if he truly sees you as the love of his life, he will be prepared to try again.

Original poster

thisissonotme · 30/08/2017 16:12

Thank you so much for the reply. I feel like I need to talk about this but have no one to talk to.

Thing is when we're great we're great, we like just spending time in each others company.
We had a massive fight on Saturday night which was really awful and I left. I then went back to see him last night and he said no this is the end and he doesn't love me or feel the same way anymore. I said he must have been feeling like this for a while and he said no, just Saturday. i just CANNOT get my head around this. I don't want to accept it but I think he's adamant although my heart tells me he's being stubborn and because the fight was so bad he's reeling and his feelings have diminished. But SURELY it doesn't happen in a day? We were meant to go on holiday next month and he's really sweet and caring. Sends me messages EVERY morning saying morning beautiful, cuddles me all night, talks about the future, makes plans etc. He's a hot head but i would not say he's abusive. When I went there last night he came out from the bedroom and I said hello. he didn't need to come out it's like he wanted to say hey but then when I said this can't be over he went the other way.

I do worry because my last relationship ended exactly the same and my ex was exactly the same, I don't love you etc. It ended so badly and I got with someone new out of heartbreak, it wasn't until that happened that my now ex ex said he'd missed me and wanted a cuddle. Then a year later he told me that he had regretted the split so much he 'had been at the bottom of a whiskey bottle' all year.

OP posts:

ScabbyHorse · 30/08/2017 16:21

Could you maybe write him a letter or email explaining how you feel? And think about getting counselling because it might be that losing your mother and previous difficulties in relationships have affected you more than you realise. Good luck to you.

Anon171175 · 30/08/2017 16:30

I would seriously suggest giving him some space now. Don't contact him for a good few days at the very least. This way you give him a chance to calm down.

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2017 16:39

Leave him be OP. He's had enough & any form of communication now would be wasted. Normally when someone ends it, they are done.
After only 2 years & fighting 20% of the time would be draining for a lot people.
I think you need to learn from this & move on.
Good luck

Gorgosparta · 30/08/2017 17:00

I do think that people can fall out of love quickly. Its the minute you realise you cant live in that situation anymore. Or the upset and arguments just become too much.

The bad all of a sudden out weighs the good and the intense love isnt there anymore. Its possible been coming for a while, but the last argument was when the balance tipped.

I am sorry you are hurting. Ibwould suggest getting some professional help to sort through you issues. We all have emotional baggage that follows us. But its not fair to take those issues out on someone in a new realtionship. We can be aware of our partners issues, be mindful of them but when they are causing a problem 20% of the time. Its to much.

Dont contact him. Give him space. Chasing him will not make him come back to you. It will push him even further away and cause more problems and stress. For both of you.

Ellisandra · 30/08/2017 17:11

I don't think of love as being this thing that you're in or out of. Like - in love is 10, out of love is 1 and there's nothing in between.

More like when you're in love, it's 6/10 or 9/10 or whatever... and everyone has their own line as to what scale of love is enough. If you're 9/10 in love - great, you put the effort into your problems (or bad! Ignore stuff you shouldn't!)

But if you're 5/10 in love then one too many arguments can be enough to make you think - no, this isn't what I want.

I think also some people say a lot of "love" stuff when they're trying to convince themselves, because actually deep down they know it's time to let go.

I saw a guy for 15 months, the first time he said "I love you" was 3 days before he dumped me! I think he was trying it out, trying to convince himself - and that made he realise he didn't.

Arguing (big arguing at that) 20% of the time is exhausting! And it's not a good relationship.

Let him go and focus on the exciting new phase coming up in your life! Good luck with your uni course

Ellisandra · 30/08/2017 17:15

Please try to get counselling about your abortion
Even when you feel you made the right choice, you can still need time and help with the grief.

I don't think you have missed out on the love of your life. It actually sounded like quite a claustrophobic relationship, from what you've written about being together all the time. The love of your life is not someone you spend 20% of your time fighting with.

Original poster

thisissonotme · 30/08/2017 20:59

Thanks for the reply everyone. Perhaps saying 20% of the time was a little much haha.

Ok so since we've been together we've maybe had 4 or 5 big fights and that's in 2 years and they last a day or two and then we make up.

He had been messaging me today about all the arguments and I have said everything I feel from the bottom of my heart; I said that I had regretted the abortion, as had he and that I've been worrying so much about money and the house being clean etc. I has asked him a few weeks ago if he still loved me because of the arguments and he said yes of course and he very honestly said he just can't deal with the arguments and it affects him very badly.

I feel like today (I went for a very long drive just now) that I had an epiphany. I really do not care about money or the house or my uni course. What I have ALWAYS wanted is a family and I feel that we were ready and we should have gone forward with it. We really do have a great relationship MOST of the time, we've both just got a house, now having to put money into that and not investing time and money into our relationship.

I feel that because he can outright say it's over that it isn't. He's had plenty of time to show me he doesn't love me and it's just not occurred. We went kayaking last week and he told me how much he loves me and he has ALWAYS made me his priority, I work as a support worker and I do 2 sleep ins a week and him being obsessed with cars; has always done this stuff while I'm away and he makes a point of telling me this. I have never asked him to do this but he has always made me number one.

A little back story, he was besotted with me from a teenager and then we went our separate ways (I had no idea he liked me we were just friends), we then got back in contact and it has been amazing. We spoke of marriage and kids and even the other day we did but said 'but you want to go to uni'. ALL I have been thinking of for the past year or so is that I just want a family and to be happy like we are and I've been pushing for this nursing course as I feel that it will give me esteem. I have the rest of my life to do that.

Anyways I just hope it's not over but I am giving him space. He's the one who contacted me about my stuff and he has given me money he owes me. We're not arguing 20% of the time that was an over exaggeration, I just realised that means 1 in every 5 days haha no not at all. More like once a month and because we have different arguing styles it blows up worse than it should do. I just want to make up there and then and he needs time alone and I don't cope with that very well.

OP posts:

Original poster

thisissonotme · 31/08/2017 07:57

*bump

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 31/08/2017 10:26

You have a weird idea of what number one is, vs just ordinary practicality and manners.

My boyfriend loves evening cycling with his friends. I work away every other week. He cycles more often on those days.

He doesn't see the need to point this out to me.

I see it, and love that he prioritises time with me - but he doesn't get massive brownie points for it, because frankly I expect it.

What's the point in dating someone who doesn't choose to arrange time to be with you?

Him making a point of telling me would get right on my tits!

I said upthread that it sounds claustrophobic - and I still think that.

Josuk · 31/08/2017 10:56

OP, you are young. And making career/degree choices dependent on your BF at the moment - might feel like the right thing to do - now that you are in love, in hurt, and needy.
But this all might looks very, very different 10-20 years later.

To start with - there is no reason why you can't be doing your degree AND be together, in a committed relationship. And kids can wait a few years - as I said - you are young.

Maybe he is the love of your life. Maybe you are lonely and needy, and he gave you security after moving countries. Maybe it's your issues from the past.
No one can know which one of these is true.

But - you mentioned something about hopping the degree would give you self esteem. And I think it's the best thing you can do for yourself. You can only truly be happy with others when you are happy with yourself. When you don't look to others to make you happy.

Good luck.

Zaphodsotherhead · 31/08/2017 11:51

I second giving him space. If you really ARE the love of his life, being away and out of contact for a few days might make him see that the fighting isn't so terrible in the scheme of things. If he really has decided he no longer loves you, it will give YOU space to process things.

Although, honestly? It does sound as though he's mentally moving on. Don't keep going over and over 'if I do this differently he'll love me again, why does he do/say/this - does it mean he still loves me?' I know you want to hold on to hope (don't we all?) but, in those immortal words 'if it's meant to be, it will be'. If it isn't, then you can't force it, I'm afraid.

Original poster

thisissonotme · 31/08/2017 14:05

'Ellisandra '

I find your tone quite demeaning.

I was only looking for advice and no he does not make a 'point' of tell me that he is 'spending' time with me. He makes a point of making me his number one priority. I know this. I mean has asked me in the past (last week) 'have you got a sleep in tomorrow?' then I'll say yes and then he'll say 'cool I'll work on the car tomorrow night then'. I do not understand whereby underlying tones of claustrophobia emit from this statement.

Do underlying issues in your relationship perhaps make you feel the need to overtly criticise a wounded person on a relationship page? My relationship was my relationship and I had requested constructive advice on how to best go about it.

Thank you to the kind words from people saying to give him space and 'what will be, will be'. I firmly believe that. I want to grow in a relationship and ours had become stifled with getting a mortgage and having no money, with me trying to top my savings up to £5k again. I feel like I had some sort of epiphany last night whilst driving to the coast (my favourite thing to do when needed some time out) and yes, if it's the end I feel that I have come to terms with that. I don't want it. But if it's not working, it's not working. I have told him I want to give it one last chance and I'm giving him space and we'll see where we go from there. But I'm ready to work on me and mine and feel quite positive about the whole argument and break up actually. I know he loves me deep down, I'm positive but I know we could not continue with the silly arguments. We have never split up before and I'm seeing it as a positive to live and learn from mistakes.

I hope anyone else going through similar circumstances knows they're not alone and it just takes some clarity, peace of mind and to regain some form of sense of self to feel somewhat normal again.

Peace

OP posts:

user1487689176 · 31/08/2017 14:26

I didn't see anything patronising in Ellisandra's post, you chose to ask the internet for relationship advice, don't throw your toys out the pram when you get a response that doesn't fit in with your expectations. Bit of an extreme response OP, I'm starting to see where these big arguments are coming from and why the poor man might have finally had enough. Misunderstandings, disagreements, rubbing each other up the wrong way - normal. 'Big blow-ups'? sounds stressful and volatile, I'd run a mile! You mentioned you're being mean to him currently.. I really hope he has support systems away from you who are kind to him.

It sounds like you may benefit from some time alone to grow and develop - one moment you're aborting a pregnancy to concentrate on studies, the next it's having a family that is the most important thing.. you sound a bit exhausting tbh.

Original poster

thisissonotme · 31/08/2017 14:47

Never raised my voice to him in 2 years, never even called him a name, but ok I get your point.

Yes, it may have been a mistake to abort that pregnancy, and I am living with that. But alas, I realised that a family is what I wanted and I wanted to better myself before starting one. I've already had a career as a restaurant manager in Australia and then an operations manager in Cardiff and Bristol and now I am a support worker waiting to start my degree as a nurse. It's not 'self esteem' that I am looking for it's 'esteem'. A title, a role or something that I 'thought' gave me my esteem. Yes, since that abortion I have decided that life is not about how much money I have in the bank and how clean my house is, to which is the main thing we argue about. I have never had a 'big blow up' before, this is the first. We have had heated arguments and we have both cried and made up but we have never had this before. Sorry if I am misunderstood to this post, I suppose it's harder to convey my emotions in writing on here that I thought. But no I am not 'exhausting' I care deeply about him and I have never wronged him in any way. He is/was my best friend and I was just looking for advice.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 31/08/2017 14:52

OP, I'm sorry you found my tone demeaning, it wasn't intentional.

I don't understand why you put 'point' back to me in inverted commas though.

You said "and he makes a point of telling me this". I'm only commenting on what you are writing.

My point, is that you're hurting and worried that you've lost the love of your life.

I'm worried for you that you'll give up your study plans to be back with him and start a family.

Maybe he is the love of your life and he just needs space.

But here's what I see from your posts, and I know you won't like it:

you fight 20% of the time - OK, you debunked that, but you have to see where my initial impression was coming from!
even if not 20%, in just 2 years you've had 4-5 major arguments big enough to last over a day. I think that's a lot
when you fight, you FIGHT )your capitals)
he doesn't undersnd your anxiety issues

I think you should forget about giving him space, and look forward to your career change. I think there's a man out there for you who will get your anxiety and not fight with you so much. And that's closer to my view of a love of my life.

Underlying tones of claustrophobia?

"he wanted to spend all his free time with me, it was just me and him, besties"
"my boyfriend is my whole world, and I thought I was his"
and him making the point that he's only doing his other stuff when you're not there (you said it, not me) it's not that he does it - it's the making a point
even the fact that he was 'besotted' by you as a teenager. One person's story of unrequited love with a happy ending is another person's red flag about emotionally volatile or intense behaviour. Besotted is a strong word. You said he's a hot head too.

That all sounds claustrophobic to me. It might not feel it to you - great. But I am sure I am not the only poster who raises a thoughtful eyebrow at someone wanting to spend all their free time with one other person. One person's committed and loved up is another's needy and stifling.

There are plenty of things (besotted, hot head, all the fights, wants all his spare time with you, pointing out how he saves his time for you...) thatcwoukd worry me, if I was your mum.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I'm especially sorry about the abortion. I know how strong the drive in me was to be pregnant again after a miscarriage. It does feel like the most important thing in the whole world. And you know - it might well be. But the most important thing doesn't have to be the only thing. Don't give up on other life and career plans - have both.

You're welcome to make digs about my relationship. Currently very happy as it happens - but I have sure as hell made some bad choices in the past!

I just think you should consider that maybe this guy isn't the love of your life, and maybe it wasn't an emotionally healthy relationship.

user1487689176 · 31/08/2017 15:03

But when we fought, we FOUGHT
..or..
Never raised my voice to him in 2 years

I have become quite mean lately to him
..or..
I have never wronged him in any way

he doesn't understand my anxieties about cheating/commitment etc that I have brought in from another relationship

I think you are both confused, co-dependant and dysfunctional. And if you're carrying past issues into a current relationship then you definitely need to spend some time alone to work through those anxieties. Look after yourself OP. And for goodness sake do not bring a child into this mess, you have lots of time left to start a family when you're a bit more stable in your career, emotions and relationships.

Original poster

thisissonotme · 31/08/2017 15:16

Yes, we did fight. But fighting doesn't always involve raised voices and hurt names. I have never raised my voice to him and our fights seem to happen because of our different arguing types, he needs alone time and I feel a need to hash everything out and apologise straight away. I don't think in 2 years I have called him a name in an argument, hence why I am so confused as to why we fight.

I have been quite mean to him, but again you seem to have a tendency to misconstrue my words;

'wronged - VERB act unjustly or dishonestly towards:

I have never acted unjustly or dishonest towards him. So yes I have never wronged him.

I also don't think we're co-dependant. I have my holidays alone to see friends in Europe and I am very capable of going and I am capable of being alone. I am also capable of allowing him his time to be himself and see his friends.

OP posts:

user1487689176 · 31/08/2017 15:22

So it's not unjust to be mean to someone? He deserved you being 'quite mean' to him did he?

Original poster

thisissonotme · 31/08/2017 15:37

Why are you continuing this?

Yes, being mean in my eyes is not letting him have time to wind after a mini disagreement and pushing to 'make up' before he is ready. So yes I am being mean, however it isn't unjust. I suggest you actually take a minute to look at differences in words and how they convey different meanings. The irony! I am mean to him by doing exactly what I have said, but I am not in any way nasty, I do not raise my voice and I certainly do not call him names.

'ADJECTIVE not based on or behaving according to what is morally right and fair'

I know my pitfalls I don't need someone trolling me on here trying to garner some form of reaction from me.

OP posts:

user1487689176 · 31/08/2017 15:49

'trolling' aka 'others pointing out glaring inconsistencies/disagreeing with you'. Just trying to help you along the path to self awareness as you appear to be lacking in this dept. Best of luck with your unhealthy relationship!

Nelly5678 · 31/08/2017 16:03

You fight. You've changed since you had an abortion and he's clearly not happy. You'll be fine. Head up, you're his loss, plenty of fish in the sea as they say