Is that the end of the road?

[EternalOptimistToo]

Not sure what I want from this thread. Just a bit of hand holding I suppose.

H and I have been married for 16 years, two dcs (teenagers)
This summer I snapped. Things have been hard for a very long time. I have given him the benefit of the doubt time and time again. I have kept all the plates up in the air, accepted things I should never have accepted (e.g. Stonewalling). Made myself ill in the process.
We had yet again a 'discussion' when I explained that it was really necessary for him to talk to me. You know the small talk that binds people. How was your day, what about doing xx this weekend etc...
Nothing ever happened after our chats.

But this time, he must have sensed that I really had enough. So he changed. Started to talk to me, be kind (would you like some help with xxx). All good ain't it?
Except it makes me want to scream. Why why didn't he do that BEFORE? He clearly is able o do it so why is it that he deliberately didn't do it, knowing how important it was to me (or is it that he didn't do it because it knew it was important? I really really don't know anymore).
Each and every single of his nice gestures are like rubbing salt in old wounds.
It feels like it has killed everything I felt for him in me. I don't think I even care about him anymore.

I still feel stuck.

Sounds like you've hit the point of no return.

Problem is, we blokes can be utter wankers without knowing it and often don't realise it before it's too late.

Hi OP, yes it sounds like you have hit the wall now. This can often happen after years of putting up with bad behaviour. There comes a point when you just don't care anymore. He clearly senses this which is why he's now trying.
This improved behaviour probably wouldn't last if you did decide to carry on with the marriage. My ex was like this. We nearly split up about 5 years ago and he begged for another chance, promised to change etc etc. He was amazing for a few months but then slowly slipped back into his old ways. We eventually split up for good 6 months ago.
#SDaddy007 this is a good point however the OP has suggested she has already tried to tell him about his behaviour and he's chosen to ignore.
I'm sorry to say but it does sound like the marriage is over. No-one can really tell you what to do but I really don't see any love there. Could you suggest a trial separation while you get your head together?

He did it because he could and because you put up with it.
It must be infuriating.
You seem to have fallen out of love though.
So you either tell him exactly how you feel with this turn-around and discuss working on things and getting some love back or you tell him it's too little too late and end it?

Situation is complex though.
Being an EU citizen, I have no idea yet whether I would be able to stay in a year and a bit (depending on whatever the Uk-EU decides to agree on or not). I suspect DH wouldn't want me to go back home with the dcs anyway which means I either have to find a way to stay or not see the dcs....
On the top of it, I also have developed a chronic illness (due to stress...) which means I have very little income.

So I feel I need a plan.

Re getting some love back. Ive been there before. Ive tried. Tried very hard working in that and managed to some extend. That was all me doingbthe work thought. And I didn't feel that total lack of caring that I feel now.its not even that I hate him. I'm totally indifferent to him.

@Daddy007 it looks like I havemore estimé in m'en capabilities that you have.
I believe that men can understand a hell of a lot of thing when they want to. But often they chose not to because it's easier. And it means they need to question themselves.

In any case, I told him numerous times that his behaviour was unacceptable. I also told him what I needed him to do (nothing out of the ordinary btw. Being kind, taking me into account in his plan, talking to me. That she out of things). He was unkind and knew it.
It actually feels like he has actually being using these talks to get back at me. Eg I said that going camping is one thing I can still do and I really enjoy. Something that helps me feel better. Since Ive told him, he has resisted any attempts to go camping......