Do we have a future? WWYD

[jonsnowsbum]

Sorry this is quite long. Honest opinions please.

OH and I have been together 9 years. We've lived together for 6, bought a home together 3 years ago and have a 17 month old child.

We haven't been getting on brilliantly for a while. I love him, and I'm sure he loves me too but we just can't seem to stop bickering.

First few years of relationship were lovely, we did all the usual stuff. Always had enough money as we both had good jobs and earned well.

I first noticed he changed a bit when I got pregnant (planned and very much wanted). The occasion that sticks in my mind is we went on a group holiday when I was 10 weeks pregnant. Nobody knew as we hadn't had a scan and we'd been travelling since early hours when we arrived and I was on my knees exhausted so asked if we could skip the group dinner that night and go for a quick meal on our own before joining everyone the next day. He was very cross, really told me off. I was probably a bit oversensitive due to hormones but I remember sitting on the bed in tears while he moaned at me and accused me of not wanting to go because I didn't like one of the group (she hadn't even arrived yet, and I didn't mind her just found her hard work generally). He didn't comfort me - it's he first time I remember being reduced to tears and instead of him thinking 'shit, I've really upset her' (I'm not really a crier) all his view was 'it's not my fault'.

We had a few occasions when I was pregnant where he upset me over silly things. Another I remember is we were going away on our last break together before baby came and I'd packed my maternity pillow in a suitcase. He wanted to pack it somewhere else and when I said no, I'd taken care of it he went mad, said what I'd done made no sense. Again, I ended up upset and he just left me to cry for about an hour (again, probably being a bit pregnant and OTT).

Baby was born and we had a truly horrid birth and a tough few months with a newborn due to various medical issues. He massively stepped up, was (and is) a wonderful father and supported me massively. We had to odd sleep deprived cross word, specifically around visiting (mainly him wanting his parents here all the time and me saying no because I was knackered/learning to BF/having to have the Dr out because I was ill) but once he understood, that improved.

Baby's first year was tough. He didn't sleep and wouldn't eat due to reflux which was medicated in the end. We got to the end of his first year battered and bruised but ok.

I was diagnosed with post natal anxiety and birth trauma around that time and started counselling. I have no doubt it's made things hard for OH. My main issue was panicking about getting out and about. Once I realised it was affecting our lives I sought help and since the counselling have been so much better. I work hard continually to make sure I keep it at bay. I'm a SAHM now, which we are both happy with.

I've really noticed a change in OHs behaviour since baby was born. He has got such a short fuse now, and can be truly hurtful. He's also very critical and nit picky. He's always been a perfectionist but this is ridiculous. When something hasn't gone 'by the book' with regard to DS he just can't handle it and sulks. Ive told him babies don't read the manual and to just go with it but he can't. If something isn't 'right' he just can't seem to get over it. He moans constantly about our shopping bill, but I've reduced it as much as I can (swapped supermarkets etc), it's not unreasonable but still it's not good enough.

He picks at stupid things with me. The other night for example, I was running the tap to make it hot to wash up and he had a go at me for 'pissing money down the drain'. I have told him a million times bat I won't argue infront of DS as I grew up in a house with arguing parents and it's horrible and damaging. So when he raises his voice (when he's in bed) I ask him not to, and he will deliberately speak louder. 'I'll
Do what I want in my own house' Almost just to wind me up.

I should say he's not aggressive or violent in any way. I would never be scared of him and am quite happy to stick up for myself. I think this is almost where the rows start - I won't just be pushed around and I will defend myself. If I just ignored him or agreed with him we'd be fine but why should I?

Whenever I've got upset (as I say not often) he is never bothered, he basically thinks I'm being stupid. He'll say 'why are you crying'? When I tell him it's because of they way he's spoken to me, or how he's behaved it's always like it's my fault. I'm sure sometimes it is, but not always surely.

50% of the time everything is great. We get on, we share interests, we love DS and each other and have a great time together. The other 50% of the time, he's making me sad.

I feel like since I've given up my job, he's lost respect for me. He accuses me of making all the decisions (I don't, I just know sometimes through the experience of being at home with DS whether something will work or not, for example) . He works in quite a high stress job and does work very hard. He's able to be completely in control and in charge at work, and I wonder if he tries to do it at home with me and DS too.

I'm waffling really, sorry. From the outside in it doesn't look great does it.

Is 50% of the time good enough for the rest of your life? If not then you know the answer

I think he's struggling under the financial strain (perceived or real) of supporting the household. I know very well the feeling of watching water and therefore money quite literally pouring down the drain and the anxiety it causes me - he sounds the same. Have you had an honest chat about if you're doing ok financially since you became SAHM. You say you are both happy with it, but in my experience and the experience of all my friends it breeds resentment when one person is carrying the whole financial load. I was SAHM mum also and my exh was literally a millionaire and provided everything, he would still nit pick about expenses though. You've said you've been OTT and he has also been hurtful,perhaps he has felt hurt too. Is it too late for you to have an honest conversation about the dynamics of your relationship, both financial and emotional? Maybe working would empower you a little. Being a SAHM is amazing but your own life can pass you by if you're not careful.

He does worry about money. He's always always been super careful with cash. We budget carefully, and have enough. 10k sat in emergency savings (in case of job loss, illness etc) and after we've paid the bills and fed ourselves we have enough left to have £200 a month each as 'our own' money to spend as we wish and £100-200 left as a slush fund in the joint account. So certainly not in a position to just spend freely like we used to but plenty to be comfortable.

No, not too late to talk. When we aren't bickering we can sit down and talk sensibly.

The plan is I'll return to work once DS (and possibly another baby - if we can work things out!) are school age.

I'm with Les, I think he's feeling the strain of providing for 3. It's all about perception. To some to be down to the last 10k in savings would be a disaster, to others, it'd be a small fortune.
This can all be saved though. Neither of you seem to feel appreciated enough. Communication is the key.
Good luck OP

I was going to ask how he feels about being the breadwinner as well. I am a single parent and worried about money.
Have a open and honest chat with him to find out what's on his mind. Hopefully the 50% will increase.

But remember you have had a baby, given up your job and are relying on a moody man who isnt your husband.

Could you easily go back to work if needs be without it having a disastrous impact on your career?

We decided together for me to be a SAHM. He earned a little more than me (which is quite a lot more now, he's had several promotions in the last 2 years) and I even remember him joking before DS was born that he'd be the SAHP if he earned less. Then when DS came and he was at home for the first month (his company give 2 weeks paid paternity leave plus two weeks optional holiday for all new Dads) and realised how hard it was he did actually say to me no way could he do it.

He does always say how DS is wonderful and that it's down to the work I put in with him, so he is lovely sometimes. My first post makes him sound awful, and he's not. But he is hard to live with at the moment. Like I say, such a short fuse these days. We were supposed to be staying over at his parents at the weekend (a big deal for me, having had terrible anxiety about being out) and I was just fine. Unfortunately DS wouldn't settle and after an hour or so of hysterics we decided to pack up and come home for bed (they are v local). The strop from him was unreal. I was disappointed too, especially as I'd done something that was such a big deal to me, but he couldn't see any positive from it. It was just 'well that was a failure, won't fucking bother doing that again'. Even his mother was shocked at his behaviour, I've never seen her annoyed with him like it in the 9 years I've known her. She told him to get a grip, which probably didn't help, but I can see why, he was stropping about like a petulant child.

I think there were problems before he decided the problems were financial, weren't there? I would be very stressed living with someone like this. If he can talk sensibly why is he such a prick the rest of the time?

Imperial I don't think this is purely financial no. As I said I noticed a change initially when I was pregnant and I was still working and earning then. He does worry about money, a bit more than I do (though I am sensible and careful) but I don't think this is at the root of it. He doesn't seem to be able to handle not being in control of situations well.

If he is only lovely when things are going exactly how he wants and expwcts them to go, that isnt lovely. And whether you both decided for you to be a sahp or not, you are still very vulnerable.

He isn't lovely OP. Sorry but he just isn't. It's why you are posting. He can be very unpleasant. He sounds manipulative to me. I think you need to see more clearly that his behaviour is abusive. Call him out every single time he is rude to you. Why not? If the relationship ends you are not happy anyway but at least there will have been honesty and he will know it has ended due to his mistreatment of you.

He doesnt sound abusive in the slightest. He sounds human. You response to stress is anxiety. Is his different. You both need to talk this through. And don't have any more children until you can help each other through this rough patch. A first child, amazing as it is, always sends shockwaves through a relationship. Every individual deals with it differently.

I don't feel abused. I feel like he's a complete dickhead sometimes but I don't feel like he's abusing me. As I said I'm more than happy to stick up for myself and say my piece. I wouldn't have thought that would be the case if I were the victim of abuse.

Becomes across as possibly having some kind of personality disorder. This desire to be in control and a complete lack of empathy or remorse make me think he could do with psychological assessment

Interestingly, I had an exercise to do at home from my counselling sessions where you had to identify different types of 'problem thinking' and how many you do (perfectionism, critical thinking, catastrophising that sort of thing). I identified a few for me, and he agreed with them. I asked him to do the exercise too, which he did and he also recognised a few in himself, much of which I agreed with. I've been working on mine, hard, with my counsellor as part of my anxiety treatment. He just sees them as personality traits in himself.

He used to be empathetic. I can remember a time where if he'd have made me cry he'd have been mortified.

OP, these are great books. I wish I'd read them before my STBX left sadly.

www.amazon.com/Why-Marriages-Succeed-Fail-Yours/dp/0684802414

www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B004ZP4P0W/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

As gently as possible , if you're crying mycg more frequently now perhaps he has reached that completely human state of "compassion apathy" ie his saturation point of being able to empathise with you. This might be because he cant solve whatever is upsetting you, even if that thing is him and his personality traits. It comes down to that bottom line doesnt it. You cant and shouldn't change for someone else but if you want a relationship you work to evolve together.

No, I'm not crying much. I'm not really one for tears. It's occasionally, when he's been really out of line or I've just reached a point of pure frustration mainly. It was a little more often when I was pregnant, but not much.

What a sad situation. Early years are tough especially with adapting to a different way of life.

One thing that jumped out at me was you saying that you don't make all the decisions with regard to DS but you know what will work or not through experience of being at home with DS. Do you think he feels he has no autonomy to do things with DS and, yes make mistakes and learn as you have done whilst being able to be at home all the time. And maybe he's feeling a little pushed out of the caring elements so he feels he has no control how he interacts with his DS as perhaps he feels he has to do everything your way?

I may be, and probably am, totally wrong but that may be making him nit pick and be critical if he's feeling he has to,defer to you about all things to do with DS care. It's hard to watch someone do things differently to how you might but doesn't mean it's necessarily wrong.

My DH did things very differently and we learned from each other ... sometimes a pleasant surprise

Maybe Fluffy. I try to take a back seat as much as possible when he's home with DS because he is a great Dad and he doesn't spend nearly as much time as he'd like to with him because of work. He only gets ten minutes in the morning with him and he's in bed by the time OH gets in from work. We do still do a nappy change when we go up to bed (DS sleeps through it!) as otherwise he wees through the nappy and that's OHs job, so he does get a sleepy cuddle then. Hey have all weekend together though. I do have the benefit of experience that he doesn't but i try not to shove that down his throat, unless I spot something that just DS will just hate or kick off massively at.

I also, now DS is older and doesn't need me on hand 24/7 try to go out and leave them to it for a few hours, go to the gym, see friends that sort of thing sometimes at the weekends. Or he'll take DS to the park while I have a nice long bath, that sort of thing.

When he's nit picky about DS stuff, I generally explain that being at home is my job now, so he really should trust me to get on with it. He says he does, but then will go on and on until I get cross. Yet I know when he's talking about me and I'm not there, he sings my praises.

So, we had a chat last night. I've told him how upset his behaviour is making me and that it's worrying me with regard to our future together. He was a bit surprised and said he thought we were just having a bit of a rough patch like 'most people do' when they have small kids and that he's never even considered us not being together as a family. He was shocked when the other day I told him 'if I'm really annoying you that much you can always leave you know' he thought I was just cross and snapped and didn't think much of it.

We agreed to both have a think and write down five things each that are bothering us/we'd like to change that we will sit down and calmly go through at the weekend when DS is in bed. Anything outside of those we need to consider as 'small stuff' and get better at letting them go and not niggling about them.

I think I'd consider counselling for a few months as you were happy before but if there was no improvement I would seriously consider leaving. Well actually I think you should ltb but I know it's not as easy as that.

Are you aware of the statistics around DV and pregnancy? It either starts or gets worse then. Pretty much every time. Knowing that It seems interesting to me that he turned shitty to you at your most vulnerable.

OP that sounds positive. Can I gently suggest as well as the 5 negative things you also list 5 positive you love or adore Bout each other? Things they do that make you laugh, happy. Their best bits of you like. So 'one thing I love about you is .....'. Could be anything from their smile, the way they make a cup of tea, their smell, how they organise or plan.

No need to have just a negative discussion.

*About .... not Bout ... fat finger moment !