Not 'bad enough' to leave?

[hawaiibaby]

If your marriage wasn't out and out awful, and you were the one deciding to end it, how did you know for sure?

There are many elements of my relationship that aren't good. He isn't abusive, but he can be a bit of a misery, really doesn't take any sort of criticism well and is quick to flare up if we disagree. There are other elements that are good though and in many ways we have a nice life together.

I've been doing some counselling and it's left me with a series of uncomfortable lightbulb moments. I'm not sure there is much love between us (though H would disagree). We have three young children whom we both adore and the thought of ending things fills me with dread, as does not seeing my babies every day.

How did you know it was definitely over? I'm scared of regretting it, but don't know if we are past working on it. My friend says the years with young kids are so tough and I wonder if I will look back and see it as a phase, but then again, if it isn't right, surely leaving earlier is better for the children, and for us. I really feel like I can't properly trust my own feelings.

Thanks if you've got this far.

Do you still love your husband? What would he need to work on/do to make the relationship viable? Does your husband know you are unhappy?

If you can't properly trust your own feelings then perhaps you need to work on yourself (with the counselling etc) a bit longer. Don't make a rash decision or say things that can't be unsaid to your husband.
You could "get your ducks in a row" - find out what you would be entitled to, CMA, house etc so that you feel more empowered and knowlegable about what shape life might take if you were to split.

For me personally, I just knew it was the end. I'd had years of bad behaviour from ex but never plucked up the courage to leave for various reasons e.g. still loved him, money, kids etc. However, when I finally decided it was over I actually could barely be in the same room as him. I dreaded him coming home from work, couldn't be bothered even making small talk and used to wait until he went to bed every night to relax and enjoy myself. I used to cry a lot cos I was so miserable and spent most days with a knot in my stomach.
I've never regretted this decision and am enjoying life without him and have never missed him to be honest.
Mine might be a more extreme story but, maybe you're not quite there yet. The fact you're having to ask on a forum tells me you're not there yet.
Ask yourself one thing - do you want it to work?

Thank you both.

I don't want to do anything hasty - especially as feeling a bit confused. But actually one of those lightbulb moments was that, no, actually, I don't think I love him. Not sure there's anywhere else to go from there. We have always had problems, but I always thought the love was there. Whether it was and I've changed, or whether I just never saw things clearly as I've always tried to make the best of it, I don't know.

We've had quite a big row tonight - well he has rowed 'at' me and I have actually felt weirdly calm, stated my points and really stood up for myself, but found myself feeling pretty unmoved by all he said. I feel like I'm seeing him differently, perhaps the beginnings of what you describe, Annon.

And I should probably clarify that when I said separating filled me with dread, I mostly mean in terms of how difficult I imagine he would be, and manipulative, and shouty and how he would be 100% convinced I was some awful witch of a homewrecker. But that is of course not a reason to stay, because a partner would behave like this when separating. But admittedly, I worry if I am strong enough to do it.

Ultimately, I have felt for a while I made a mistake in us staying together. But that is done now. I thought we could work on it, but he is actually very difficult to disagree with, and makes out I am being princessy if I express upset or dissatisfaction with anything. It's quite exhausting, and I do now see how many blocks in the road he seems to put down. Something which before I didn't really get - I knew we didn't argue 'well' - but didn't really understand it.

Obviously I am not perfect at all but I think I am generally pretty reasonable, and I'm not sure I want to keep fighting all these little battles forever, or even for the duration of our children's childhoods. I want them to be in a happy home, even though I have to face that perhaps means two homes.

Sorry for the huge offload, my thoughts are coming thick and fast at the moment!

My ex was absolutely vile to me when I finally told him and was as difficult as he could be about everything. It's good u are prepared for that and if that does happen you will deal with it and it becomes easier. My ex is still a dick at times but now he seems to have accepted things so it's better now.
I sense some emotional detachment already in your relationship and this is usually what happens near the end

Sorry OP but he does sound abusive to me. Read up on emotional abuse - he ticks some boxes i think. Not that you need any more reason to leave than 'I'm unhappy' but it might explain a few things for you

I spent years feeling like you do, and have finally told dh that I want us to split up after almost 30 years.

It hasn't been bad all this time, but to be honest it hasn't been great either. I've hesitated for so long partly because of the dc, and they are independent now so it's easier from that point of view but harder from others.

Think about it very carefully but don't stay too long if the relationship is making you unhappy.

There's a book called Too Good to Leave Too Bad to Stay which you might find useful. Having said that's I've read it and still can't make up my mind! (Although like you I think it's mainly fear stopping me from making the decision).