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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mad with myself

10 replies

Toothachegirl · 30/08/2017 13:53

I've been in a relationship for 10 yrs on and off. I say this because 3 years ago my OH had a 10 month affair. I wanted him back and tried hard nearly giving myself a breakdown in the process. For the last 6mths all has been great, i get shown affection, plans are made for the future, hes very kind and gives me anything I want. (Not always comfortable with this as I've always been independant). But 3mths ago I found a piece of paper with a user name and website on. It's a swingers site. It didn't take me long to figure out the password. For the last 3/4 weeks I've been watching and reading as my OH asks women to meet (Not sure if he has yet) and also getting their WhatsApp and kik which goodness knows what hes sending and receiving. He's going on a trip Friday. So I'm waiting till Thursday night to tell him ive found the account (Not the password) and i want him to leave. I'm getting panicky.....

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 14:08

Don't panic. Just be glad you've come to t senses and are getting rid of him.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 14:12

Is he likely to be aggressive with you? If so I would tell him while he's away and get his stuff packed up and sent to his mum's.

Original poster
Toothachegirl · 30/08/2017 15:03

Thank you, no I can't see him being aggressive. Probably pis@ed off I've found out more like but I don't care about that. I'm just feeling guilty that he will have nothing. It's my house, he hasn't got a full time job and doesn't have many time even any friends around here that I think he could call and ask to stay with. Is that just because I have a conscience? And obviously he doesn't! :/

OP posts:
Flammingstar · 31/08/2017 22:55

If this is the website that I am familiar with, after the person has met someone, they often get a 'verification' to say thank you etc. Also what does his profile say? Does it give any clues as to whether he has actually met anyone from there?
A lot of people join to flirt/chat and go on the webcam or forum, but it stops there.
Also there is a big social scene and a lot of members go to 'parties'....there are loads of venues all over the country.
At such parties, you can watch or join in in the activities (I've never been to one)
Again this can be a social thing where someone attending the party can just watch or just have a drink and a flirt.
If he has met anyone it's likely that she doesn't know his status as it is frowned upon for attached men to be on the website. Although a large % of the members are.
I would personally wait until he is away and log into the account. See if there are any verifications or messages arranging a meet on there.
That way you will have proof and he can't deny it if it's in black and white.

Plus he will have one heck of a shock if he comes back the next day and you know.

I am so sorry OP, but while the trip away may be completely innocent, it is common to have a one night meet and return home the following day. I do hope that is not the case.
Please feel free in coming back for any support if you need it.
Take care

Original poster
Toothachegirl · 31/08/2017 23:24

Hi, yes that's the site. The veri is from chat/cam saying she has been chatting to him over cam for weeks. I can see all the messages he sends, they were all flirting until the last couple of weeks he's been saying he's free to go to a club or asking women if their free.
I've questioned him tonight. Hes left but lying saying he only went on from time to time. I met my friend the other day for lunch and hes messaged 25 women and couples :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2017 23:29

Is he leaving then ?

Flammingstar · 01/09/2017 00:29

Although it doesn't make it any better OP, and it is still cheating if he chatted to her and went on webcams.....but if that is all he has done, it is better than the 'alternative' although I will also say if he has messaged 25 people with a view to meeting, If he has not been physical before, it seems like he intends to be. I assume that he was not intending to meet for social reasons or a coffee?
I am so sorry that you are going through this OP but it does seem that he has been caught red handed and you would not have known if you hadn't found evidence of the website.
Did he say anything about his 'trip'..... is he meeting someone off the website??
If you want to pm me his username I can have a look and send him a message and let you know what he says if you want me to?
Hope that you are ok OP

SweetLuck · 01/09/2017 02:39

Well being mad with yourself sounds like a displacement activity right now, are you not mad as hell with him? When you say he's left do you mean permenantly?

Original poster
Toothachegirl · 02/09/2017 09:22

The profile has been deleted, hes with family until tommorow when he's coming back to sort things out. He's trying his best to tug on my heart strings but we've been here before. I can't do it again. I don't do things with my friends and family for fear of him doing something. It's not healthy is it?

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 02/09/2017 10:13

No, not at all healthy. It's awful to fear leaving the house for fear of what he will do. Put an end to this now.

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