MIL not as interested in her grandsons

[ILoveChocolate33]

My MIL has 3 sons (no daughters). My DH was the first of her sons to have children and we have 2 boys who she was very happy with when they were born.
She would babysit occasionally but made it clear she didn't want to have them overnight or do any regular childcare. I completely understood that - after all, she brought up 3 children herself so has done her fair share of childcare!

However DH's brother & his wife then had a little girl and MIL was overjoyed to finally have a granddaughter having never had a daughter herself. Suddenly all the previous rules she set were broken - she regularly has her granddaughter over to stay for weekends, does regular weekly childcare while DH's brother & wife are at work etc. etc. She went and bought all pink stuff for her house for when granddaughter comes to stay - pink highchair, bedding etc. etc.

Whilst I can understand her delight at finally having a little girl to fuss over, I feel very hurt that my 2 boys are so overlooked. We live closer to her than DH's brother so it's not to do with distance. DS1 even asked me recently whether MIL & FIL were his grandparents too or just granddaughter's.

Whenever I mention it to DH he just shrugs and says "well she's not perfect". He doesn't seem to be bothered by it at all so AIBU?

We have this in our family to a certain extent. I have the boys and tbf it has never bothered me because its not my mum iyswim. Later on I think my niece found some of the attention a bit of a bother.

I think your DH has a healthy attitude to it but if it hurts you it hurts you. No advice really, sorry.

Im sorry to hear that OP. It may be she is so overjoyed at having a girl in the family and getting to buy pink frilly stuff that she hasnt stopped to think how it may be affecting your DS's. If you have a good enough relationship prior to all this I would suggest a calm gentle word in her ear about the effect its having on the boys. She may be mortified and change her ways to have DGD slightly less often. Or if your not comfortable with this a serious word with you DH. I admit it doesnt sound fair and it would certainly get my back up if it were my DS. Unfortunatly aside from talking it through I'm not sure how much you can do aside from trying to take the focus away from her re. Your sons and make them feel as loved as you can. Shes not obliged to see your DS's sadly and the way i see it if she doesnt change then its her loss at the end of the day, certainly not yours or your sons. Sending hugs xx

Have it out with her. Don't shout, calmly tell her your perception of things and how it makes you feel. Why not?? Doesn't sound as thought you have anything to lose.

Thanks for the replies - your different perspectives are much appreciated. We had what I thought was a good relationship before the arrival of DGD but it has now become a bit distant for obvious reasons. I did subtly suggest once that DGD seemed to always be at her house and I think she got the message but didn't really change her behaviour and was just a bit more discrete about it from then on.

Whenever I suggest having it out with her to DH he really isn't keen on the idea. We're both total conflict avoiders and I worry that if we raised it as an issue we would just end up on non-speaking terms rather than the polite relationship we have at the moment.

I'm really not sure why I'm so hurt by it. I suppose partly I'm a bit disappointed that treating the grandchildren fairly isn't something that's important to MIL and also it feels like a bit of an attack on me - in that it's demonstrating that my children aren't as worthwhile as DGD.

If you don't call her out on it and suggest the dgc are all treated the same I wouldn't have her near my dc. . Why should he have to feel second best rubbed in?

What a shame. If your dh is not bothered then perhaps just concentrate on other relationships for your boys. I wouldn't go out of my way to visit or arrange anything. Leave that up to your dh. It will probably tail off when the girl starts to express her own opinions and doesn't conform to mil ideals.

I doubt if she ll change and I doubt long term your children will care. You can protect your children by making sure they do nt know your niece is the favourite, ie is by seeing the GP separately to your bil and sil so your sons can't see the favouritism

Your niece may not grow into the sort of 'girly' girl that your MIL obviously hopes for. Once she starts to show preferences, if they don't chime with what your MIL wants her to like, you may find things change. You may find they change anyway, as DN grows up.

So keep communication open, raise eyebrows at obvious favouritism, and make light of it to your sons, if you can. 'Granny likes xxxx because they can talk about make up and shopping'.

Such favouritism should not be tolerated; all her grandchildren should be treated equally.

Family dynamics may also be playing a part here. I do wonder if your DH's brother was more favoured as a child by his parents; if this is the case then their children are usually more favoured as well. The less favoured child and any family they go onto have are further less favoured. I am wondering as well if your DH is afraid of his mother on some level (fear, obligation and guilt) and still wants her approval (hence his own conflict avoidance). His inertia when it comes to his mother however, simply hurts him as well as you people.

Your DH here and his responses are key in all this. If your child notices its pretty bad and your DHs response is a cop out frankly. His response and lack of also dismisses your concerns as well. You both being conflict avoiders works against you; this is a problem that his mother has herself caused by her overwhelming desire to dote over a female grandchild. I think this does bother him but has no idea how to confront it or deal with it.

Talk to her by all means but I do not think she will want to take in what you say to her. Anything no matter how nicely it is put could be seen by her as an attack on her. If she were to stop talking to you as a result of all this then it says far more about her than it ever would about you.

Where is your FIL in all this?. What is he like?. Is he merely acting out of self preservation and want of a quiet life here?

Reaffirm and raise your boundaries with regards to this person as well as they are far too low still. Both of you need to present a united front with regards to his mother, you have to be on the same page here.

I would make yourselves far less available to your MIL going forward and concentrate your energies on people who make you feel valued rather than drain. I also do not think your own relationship was as good or healthy as you thought it was because you describe it as merely "polite". The arrival of a female grandchild has already widen a schism that had gone unnoticed by you till now.

DS1 even asked me recently whether MIL & FIL were his grandparents too or just granddaughter's.

That is telling. Sorry she has dropped interest in your boys. Is FIL the same?

She sounds very selfish but you can't make her interested if she isn't. How insensitive if she is fussing over GD and ignoring your DS's. I wouldn't have it out with her it seldom works. And you've already hinted you're not happy. I wouldn't make any effort with her at all. If your DH wants to take your DS's to her house then fine. But let him do the running. I wouldn't.

My grandma has 3 children. She always wanted a boy. She had girl, boy, girl. Her final child was her favourite and she always made sure everyone knew.
She then wanted grandsons and had 4 granddaughters before her favourite child gave her the grandson she wanted. She gave up on all of us apart from her favourite childs DD and DS. I was old enough to know it was favouritism (there is 13 years between me and second eldest) but others didn't. I made the decision to go NC because it wasn't fair. She always denied them being the favourites, although it was obvious. I asked for something one xmas, she brought it in front of me, wrapped it and gave it to her favourite DGD and made her open it in front of me!

She's now NC with all her grandkids apart from the two favourites. She lives next door to them and gave up work to provide free childcare, has them overnight etc - basically all the things she refused to do for us. It's her loss as far as i'm concerned!

Hope you sort it

I had this with my DSs.
Similar family structure. When BIL and wife had their daughter our two boys were almost ignored. We went low contact and were quite happy.
The sad thing was that the favoured granddaughter had two younger siblings, a boy and a girl,who were really made to feel inferior. They ended up with eating and self esteem disorders.
Go low contact and value your boys.

Thanks for all the advice. I'm sad to see that others have had similar issues. There's definitely an expectation that PIL should treat all grandchildren equally - I find it completely unfathomable that anyone would do otherwise. Even if you secretly had a favourite, wouldn't you try very hard not to make it obvious?

As AtillatheMeerkat pointed out, I think maybe my relationship with MIL wasn't as good as I thought before the arrival of DGD. It's exposed an immaturity in her that I hadn't realised was there before. I too understand what it's like to want a daughter as I have 2 DS myself (DH was adamant we wouldn't have another baby). But I consider myself extremely lucky to have my 2 lovely DS and don't dwell on the DD that will never be.

As for FIL, he does pretty much keep out of it - he doesn't tend to do any of the hands-on babysitting anyway, has his own hobbies and keeps himself to himself for the most part. I'm sure he's aware that DGD is around a lot more but I'd be surprised if he's questioned why.

Going low contact is pretty much what I've ended up doing. I generally let DH organise any contact between PIL and my DSs. I'm just a bit sad that the relationship has ended up this way and it does hurt when I hear DGD talk excitedly about 'Granny's House' etc when my youngest has hardly ever been there. But there we go.

Thanks everyone for the advice and sympathy

I'd just get them closer to your family and go very low contact. In years to come she'll be wanting the boys to help her with physical stuff around the house and will wonder why they aren't interested.