How did you know it was over?

[Grimsfairyfanny]

Aside from the big stuff like cheating etc. How did you know your relationship was at an end?
My DH and I have been married for 7 years, he has put on a lot of weight (think 8 stone). I'm not attracted to him at all and never really want sex, in fact I find his greediness quite unattractive.he is older by 15 years, I suddenly stopped and looked at my wedding pic the other day and felt genuinely saddened because it looks ridiculous, like I married my father! We bicker, and many other negative points that are too lengthy to mention
I don't want to break up a home, we have children, but what is there left to salvage? I also have this odd feeling of me not wanting him but also not wanting anyone else to have him either; what's that about?

overwhelming resentment that just creeped in.
feeling so irritated by things that, if anyone else did them I would have been fine with. thinking I wouldn't mind if he died in a tragic car accident.

not wanting him to have anyone else is what a lot of people think, but if you cared about someone you would be happy for them to be happy!

Perhaps see a therapist alone and or together and try and work how you actually feel?

Lots of mixed emotions come into long term relationships, so you have to work out the wheat from the chaff, as it were.

When I knew I'd be happier on my own.

For me it was waking up in the middle of the night and realising there was nothing in the marriage for me. It lasted a few years after that but our days were numbered. After us being split for quite sometime he met someone else and it hit me hard. Really hard. I knew it was definitely done then. In all honesty, I do wonder whether I should have got back with him on one of the many times he asked. I wouldn't have been happy (He was abusive and controlling), but at least I'd have my kids everyday and I wouldn't be lonely. He has the perfect life now. I won't lie, I'm jealous but I don't begrudge anyone some happiness. Just wish it was my turn

When I was delighted when they said they were going out on a Friday night.

You should know it's over when you start asking yourself if it's over. Your marriage sounds like a nightmare. I know you have kids, but I promise, your life and their lives could be so much better.

Op, I married someone who was 14 years older than me, I stayed with him for ten years, towards the end I felt repulsed by him, didn't want sex, didn't even want him to touch me, I didn't find him attractive anymore, not just because he had aged suddenly but because he wasn't really that nice too me, we seemed to have drifted apart, he was ready to relax and do pretty much nothing with his life whilst I still had plans (plans to travel and do new activities ). I finally gave up two years ago and asked him to move out, life has been so much better, I feel like a new person and I have my sex drive back ,my only regret is not kicking him out sooner (like 5 years sooner).

I think I know the answer, but knowing it and doing something about it are two separate things :-(

Grims it took me years to go through with it, it wasn't easy, first few months was a mixture of emotions and feeling guilty but it was worth it in the long run, I'm happier than I have been for a long time.

it does generally take years to go through with it. I took about 4 years

All I ever hear from most people is that they wish they had done it earlier, but then we also have to accept that we can only do it when we are ready.

It's a bloody tough decision to make especially if you have children.

Sadly I know lots of people who will probably never make the decision or will make it when the kids are 18.

you can only go at your own pace.
The fact you have come on here means that you are going in the right direction.
God I wish I had known about mumsnet at the time!! the advice is invaluable

I had that too op because I also married someone a lot older and had kids with him. It was weird because I was in my 20s and he was in his 40s and he went from "older attractive man" to "grumpy ageing man" over the 10 years we were together and like you I remember looking at our wedding pictures thinking they look ridiculous because it was like father and daughter. I left in the end because I was a 30 something old woman with so much life left and he was a 50 something grumpy old man and I wasn't ready to live an "older" boring life yet.

I now have someone my own age and it's just so much better because we have more in common being from the same generation and it's fun and I think everyone is very happy for me. I have found my outlook on life is younger too because I'm not trying to live a middle aged existence anymore. Oh and my sex life with a man my age is much better too

One part of the resentment I feel is that he got to have his 20s carefree and live life before we met, albeit still careless in his decisions, inability to grow up etc. whereas I've spend my entire 20s married and pregnant, having children, i feel old before my time. I feel when we met I was as mature as him or slightly less mature due to our age, however during the course of our relationship I feel I've really grown up and changed, matured. He has almost become more immature than he was before, so it accentuates the gap even more.

I spent years making sure I had enough money in my bank to leave him, we didn't have a joint account so I started putting money aside to make sure I could support the dc's when I finally chucked him out. Whilst your building up the courage to leave make sure you are considering things like this, preparing yourself.

My parents stayed together until I was eighteen, they hated each other and the atmosphere in our house wasn't great, when my mum finally ended it she told me she had stayed because of me and my brother, I told her she should have left him years ago. My kids were fine when dh and I split, they see him every weekend and during school holidays, he probably does more with them now than he did when he lived here.

I do have some money; but how much is enough? X

It depends, are you living in your own home ( jointly owned)? If so which one of you will move out?

I was living in rented, I knew I would have the dc's so he would be the one moving out. I needed to make sure I had enough to cover a few month worth of bills whilst I sorted out any benefits I was entitled too (I was a full time mum at the time so no income), I have 2 disabled dd's only had careers allowance coming in and tax credits.

I know what you mean about spending your life pregnant and being a mum, I was pregnant at 21 and feel I missed out on a lot. My dc's are now getting older and I'm getting my freedom back, I have new hobbies, I take the dc's on holiday and I get sometime for myself when he has them at the weekend.

however during the course of our relationship I feel I've really grown up and changed, matured. He has almost become more immature than he was before, so it accentuates the gap even more.

That can happen in any relationship.

I agree about your resentment about him having a carefree twenties whereas you've been having children and being a parent.

How much is enough ?

Who knows ? That could be an impossible sum that never seems enough.

Have you looked at how much a deposit for a new place would be plus the first months' rent ?

Jot down a list of expenses then research how much they would cost. That could be your start point for how much you will need.

Yes I rent. I'd stay here with the Dc's. I do have a job but I suppose in the beginning I'd need to work a lot less and get the benefits ball rolling. I have about £15,000 in an account

Do you have a car or do you share one ? Will you be taking the car ? Can you afford to keep it on the road ?

What can you/will you realistically have to sacrifice ?

Yes I have my own car, owned outright. On paper I could afford to keep it on the road. Finances are looking fine on paper, although we all know things are different in real life

Don't forget that your husband has to support the kids, too.

Have a look at the benefits calculator to see if you will be entitled to anything, you may have too much money to claim housing benefit? (I'm not sure) but your tax credits will change, he will be paying you money towards the children, you can check online to see how much he should pay. It can be hard financially on your own but don't let that be a reason to stay in a bad relationship.

I knew it was over in my heart when he told me to "drop dead of cancer" in front of the kids and other people around 4 years ago. I had lost my best friend at the age of 35 to breast cancer only a year earlier so it really hurt me. It was the venom he said it over a very minor disagreement. I remember it so well, i was telling him to chill over something while pushing my youngest on a swing.

Ever since that day, every time he was horrid or angry with me it chipped a bit more of the love I had for him away. I tolerated him spitting in my face, calling me a cunt and general shitty behaviour for a further 3.5 years before I finally plucked up the courage to leave.

He still maintains our relationship wasn't all that bad, and actually at times I managed to smile, laugh and we got on ok in between. But ultimately that day he showed me, the mother of his two beautiful children what he really thought about me. I have brought it up numerous times and he dismisses it, but it was the start of the death of what I considered a happy relationship (there had been issues before then but I just thought it was a normal relationship where people argue, now I know different).

8 months nearly I have been gone, its been tough but I know it was the right decision.

Grims 15k is a deposit on a house. Sounds like you could make a lovely future for you and the dc.

Pudding that's awful, good for you for leaving.

Jeaux sadly that's nowhere near enough where I live. Need £25k min around here to even think about getting on ladder x

Shared ownership or help to buy on new builds is a good way of getting on the ladder