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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can people change?

12 replies

Myhomeismycastle · 30/08/2017 09:06

Would like others opinions on this please.

My DH (been married for a little over a year) is currently having issues with contact for his daughter due to his obstructive ex. We were discussing it with his family members when his sister made a comment 'maybe she's doing it to get back at you for cheating on her' I literally had no clue

After a long talk, he said he had been unhappy for years, only stayed for his daughter etc & did cheat 6 times full sex (including a 4 month fling/affair, this woman wasn't aware he was with someone) & countless kissing, flirting with others etc.

This has made me feel very strange & like I can't trust him .

Can people be different/loyal/trustworthy in other relationships?

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 30/08/2017 09:09

How awful for you OP

I think a cheat will always be a cheat.

Mrscropley · 30/08/2017 09:11

I cheated on my exh. . I told my now dh very early on so he had full facts and could make the decision not to continue our relationship if he felt I was untrustworthy. Our relationship is different, I am different - if I wasn't happy I have the confidence to say so which in an abusive relationship I wasn't heard. Not making excuses but life was different back then. Been with dh 5 years now and never ever been tempted or crossed any lines. I wouldn't be happy your dh hadn't told you though. Especially if you are dealing with the aftermath with the ex.

QueenMortificado · 30/08/2017 09:12

I disagree that people don't change. In my early 20s, I had a few relationships that I got bored of and, to my shame, cheated before ending them.

Since I grew up I have never done this, and never would. My attitude is entirely different and I really regret not having the balls to have just ended those relationships when I was unhappy.

In this situation it's different though. This isn't a young guy in a non-serious relationship. He made a conscious decision to cheat multiple times including an affair. I'd feel very odd about that.

AuntieStella · 30/08/2017 09:28

I think you've learned that his 'go-to' behaviour is to lie (actively by cheating, or by omission), so yes nit trusting him is an entirely valid response.

Did he give you any reason why he managed to miss out something really quite important about the reasons for breakdown of the previous marriage?

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 13:40

Basically, what you've learned about your husband is that when the going gets tough, he gets his hands on any woman who will have him. What's going to happen when the two of you hit a rough patch? Because you will. So if he is unhappy (or bored), whose bed will he find himself in? Also, he NEVER told you about any of this?? You found out from his sister, FGS. Perhaps she's trying to tell you something.

thisfamily · 30/08/2017 13:45

That's a blow.
You can give him a chance...or decide to call it a day right now.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/08/2017 13:49

Yes they can change if they truly want to.

But a lot will depend on the situation they find themselves in.

Compulsive stress eaters can find a different way to deal with stress.
Stress smokers can stop smoking and find a different way to deal with stuff.

So in theory, a man who was in an unhappy relationship and cheated because of it could stay faithful, even if the new relationship became unhappy - but I don't think I'd put much reliance on it. :(

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 30/08/2017 13:49

I think people can learn and evolve which yes, results in them changing or just maturing

Piratesandpants · 30/08/2017 13:57

But he wasn't just 'immature' 'in his 20s' excuse - he was in a serious relationship, with a child. And that's some cheating.....

thisfamily · 30/08/2017 14:00

Couple therapy might be a way to explore the impact of this as a couple:)

thisfamily · 30/08/2017 14:09

My understanding is that you can't achieve deep change without a deep desire to change and concrete steps like for example doing self-development (self help books, self help groups, reflecting...) or therapy.
My dad did a lot of therapy for anger. Things improved but when he is tired the old devil comes back very easily.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 30/08/2017 14:12

Yes people can change but usually only when they've made a clean break from the person / situation where they fell into bad behavioural patterns and they grow up.

I think serial cheaters tend not to change as they often have an ego and sense of entitlement that means they can compartmentalise the sex they have outside of the marriage / relationship. As soon as they're no longer the centre of attention or the tingle fades they're off shagging again.

What would worry me hugely in your shoes is that he never told you he'd cheated previously and that he did it multiple times. Lying by omission is as bad as lying in my book.

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