Your advice please- am i being a clock-watching food nazi?

[PregnantGrrrl]

DS spent the afternoon with my FIL and step MIL yesterday. If it had been my selfish choice, i'd have kept DS to myself, because now that i work my time with DS is precious BUT of course i know that he needs time with extended family etc, so i happily packed him off.

I asked them to have him back before 5pm- partly as he has tea at 5pm, and partly so i could have an hour or so with him before he went to bed. They came back late and didn't apologise.

They hadn't changed him in all the time they were out- over 5hrs- and DS is prone to nappy rash. They also took delight in telling me they hadn't given him the snack i'd packed him. Instead they'd fed him chocolate biscuits- DS is 9mths old.

Am i being a meanie? I want to tell them next time they take him that he's not to have biscuits and he's got to come home on time, but i don't want to upset them either.

Am i being unreasonable?

With a child so young, no I don't think you are being unreasonable. My mother has aways chucked shit food at my kids, even though she knows I hate it, I think she does it to be peverse. She's not been allowed to spend time alone with the baby this time, i don't trust her.

I don't think you are. Not changing his nappy is just lazy. Not feeding him a snack is one thing but a 9 month old has no business with chocolate biscuits. You are his mum and these things are up to you. If they don't like it, that's fine, but you don't have to put up with it.

Are they actually trying to get at you? Or are they just a bit mad?

Nope. They should have changed his nappy! People are ignorant about food. I wouldn't let him go again alone. I'd also call up and say something about feeding him rubbish if that's your parenting decision.

Also, yes it's important he spends time with his extended family but I'd say primarily, it's more important he spends time with YOU if you're back to work.

How annoying! I'd have been livid! [angry}
I would be very tempted to tell them he was puking up chocolate all night and now has a bad case of nappy rash
I'm sure they won't be upset if you just explain to them that you have him in a great routine and you don't want to upset that as he may get out of sorts. If you are happy for him to have the odd choccie bikkie then tell them he can have ONE after his healthy snack.

pregGrrrl - i was reading your OP thinking it was a 3 or 4 yo child not a BABY!!
no you are NOT being unreasonable. He'll have time with your PILs. at 9mo he needs his mom. (especially since they seem unable to care for him properly!!)

This makes me cross. You are absolutely being reaonable to expect them to respect your wishes. I just don't get why people feel the need to ignore the request of a mother!!!!!

I would ask DP/DH to have a word. What does he say?

Actually, I don't think a 9mo needs to spend any time with his or her extended family. That comes later. If they can't treat you with common decency then tough, they don't have a right to upset you and not look after you baby

fancy not changing his nappy!
unbelievable and ? chocs?

I don't think you are being unreasonable. They did not follow your advice and should have changed his nappy.

But if this is the first time your inlaws have had your son, then give them another chance. Perhaps it's been a long time since they looked after a 9 month old baby and have forgotten what's what.

I think it's a good idea to tell them he was sick from eating the biscuits and had nappy rash, just to make your inlaws think a bit.

Agree that your dh needs to have a quiet word with them. Next time you let them have your ds, put down in writing what he needs and what is allowed. If they still don't follow your advice, then time to get cross.

You're not at all unreasonable, particularly on the food front. I mean what next? My MIL keeps trying to feed my DD chocolate and salame (we're vegetarian) as she's convinced she knows best, despite having health problems herself linked to unhealthy eating. The first time she tried to feed DD chocolate was at 5mo and she hadn't even been weaned yet!

For this reason, and the fact that she is quite mad, she is never having my DD on her own. She does occasionally make noises about having her for an afternoon, but we just say "maybe next time" and leave it at that. Luckily she's never insisted but then it is early days.

I would definitely not leave your DS with your ILs again, at least until he's much, much older. You could try explaining why but it depends on the type of people they are. I know with my MIL it would be wasted breath as she is so bogged down in her convictions she'd go the other way on purpose, but then maybe your ILs are more intelligent.

I don't think I'd give them another chance at this point. They really don't need to build a relationship with him at this point, anyway. My ILs never had my DS1 on their own for more than a half hour or so until he was past four and a half. They live quite far away, and don't see him that often. But he's 5.5 now, and they have him for a week, a few times a year, and they all enjoy that time.

The nappy thing could be them forgetting. Yes, it's crap, but whatever. But the timing thing, and the food thing, are just them ignoring your requests.

At 5, I don't care that much if DS1 is given 'inappropriate' food, but at nine months!

How does your DH feel about all this?

Not unreasonable. After putting up with some RIDICULOUS behaviour from selfish MIL the months after DD was born, from now on I donT care if Im being precious or selfish. WE are the mums and our blood pressure rises if people are controlling with our kids (its biological probably).
So from now on I trust my instincts. As DD`s mum, if it feels wrong, then its wrong.

no you're not being unreasonable. I used to go up the sodding wlal when this happened - which it did fairly frequenrtly with DH, MIL, My dad and other people.

What gets me is that they don't have to deal with the consequences - I do!

PIL took DS out for the afternoon and decided to take him to a park a little way form here - I sadi - drive, its a long walk along very busy roads. they said oh no we liek walking etc etc. I gave in but asked them to buy him a snack from the shop on the way there - they pass 6 shops which sold stuf and I said a packet of crisps was fine or a cheese roll i just wanted him to have somethign savoury. I also gave them an apple for him to have and a bottle of water.

They didn't get him any food or give him the apple and bottle, they bought him an ice lolly (suger rush) and then a carton of pure fruit juice.

they kept him out for well over 3 hours, instead of the hour and a half I'd suggested, they didn't take a coat or jumper for him and it rained on the way back so he got soaked (he was dressed in shorts and a tshirt - no change of clothes as they decided NOT to take the nappy bag (which always has stuff in it)

I came back to an exhausted and out of sorts baby with runny bum from pure fruit juice and the shivers.

tell them - after that I used to pack a healthy snack and also hand them a MY mobile as they went out the door saying - "I know its hard to keep track of time and you'll want to be able to get hold of me in case of emergancy so all my contact details are in the phone. and I've set the alarm to go off when he needs to come home for tea." If that didn't work the next time I would actually ring them to check he was on his way home - I did try and be tactful and said "I'm just ringing to check you're on your way back now cos I've run out of milk and wondered if you could get some as you pass the shop"

Not unreasonable at all.

TBH the food thing upsets me less than the nappy, I can't believe they didn't change his nappy for over 5 hours, thats ridiculous, what if it had been a dirty one ?

It is nice that they want to spend time with him, but a whole afternoon when you are working is a long time if it was me I would only let them out with him for very short periods, or if they are that keen then get them to babysit so they can't feed him crap and they don't need to change his nappy.

Didn't change his nappy for 5hrs ???
poor little chap

& chocolate biscuits for a 9mnth old??????
why???????

you have every right to be upset

would your dh speak to them?

otherwise, don't let them have him on their own again until he's older.

thanks guys!

glad i'm not being daft. i told my colleagues and they all thought it was dreadful too.

they weren't intentionally idiots- just over excited and thoughtless i think.

next time i'll be firm about what we want, and if they don't do it, they won't have him alone again.