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Original poster

Has anyone told the OW's / OMs partner?

26 replies

rosabug · 29/08/2017 23:29

Hello. I was wanted to know of any experiences where you or someone you know has told the OW's or OM's partner about an affair? What was the fallout?

I have been in this situation and I did not, but I often wonder about what might have happened had I done so. I'm not really looking for opinions about it, because I have heard many - usually falling firmly on one side or the other, but hopefully experiences.

OP posts:
MsGameandWatching · 29/08/2017 23:36

Yes, twice. I was a lot younger though. At the age I am now I don't think I do it. It caused no end of heart ache, both relationships broke up. One was probably for the better, she went on to have a great life, professionally and personally. The other I am not sure. They weren't well suited and he cheated on her constantly but my motives for telling her were not altruistic and I think I should have just let the chips fall without my interference.

Original poster
rosabug · 30/08/2017 00:00

MsGame. Thanks for replying. I struggled with this, my relationship did break up and it's too early to say if it's for the best. However much I objectively tried to justify telling her partner, I had to admit that in the end it was all about my pride. They had 2 young children and as they were not married I think he would have lost out legally with them. And that, in the end, was my main reason not to.

OP posts:
AtSea1979 · 30/08/2017 00:03

Yes twice. One's DH denied it and she believed him, I expect he'll have been caught by now. The other DH confessed and she stood by him.
I was younger, though I'd do the same now tbf. I'd want to know if it was me.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/08/2017 00:11

I tried to contact the husband of OW when I found out. Unfortunately, he'd been killed a few months previously and all the pennies dropped immediately...

I do know of several situations where this has happened though and all ended in tears, think "shoot the messenger". Having said all of that, had OW's husband been alive, I would have gone ahead without hesitation.

Shockers · 30/08/2017 00:25

My friend met up with the OW's husband after the affair had been exposed. It transpired that it was the OW's husband who had found out and that was why my friend's husband had come clean.

Three years on, my friend is happier than she's ever been.

This could be because she's hopelessly in love and lust with the OW's XH, as he is with her.

It doesn't happen often, but it's good to see.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/08/2017 00:37

Shockers that's brilliant! Good for them! I hope the other two get their just desserts Smile

Original poster
rosabug · 30/08/2017 00:39

Shockers - Wow - nice story.

when I first found out I left an angry message on her phone. To cover herself she told her OH that I had become crazy jealous of her and my OH's friendship. My partner and his 'friend' had also had a (delusional) business idea that he actually suggested I put money into. You can imagine how much that burned later. I found an old email where she was badgering my OH about how brilliant this business idea was - you had to see it to believe the arrogance. I nearly did tell her OH but I was intercepted. I guess someday I will be glad I didn't tell. I do get a lift sometimes from being the bigger person. sigh

OP posts:
babybigapple · 30/08/2017 00:49

*TheFormidableMrsC' I don't understand - OW was widowed and having an affair with a married man?

user1485639128 · 30/08/2017 00:59

I had to sit and tell his wife the full extent of our affair because he was too much of a coward to do it himself after she found out.

We still work together but aren't together anymore. His wife trashed the office in front of all staff when she originally found out before knowing details.

She's currently filing for divorce

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/08/2017 01:30

babybigapple. The OW was having an affair with my husband. When I found out, I tried to contact her husband (I knew the woman as she had previously been employed by my brother and I knew her husband's name and his job). A quick Google confirmed that he had been killed a few months previously. That was an immense shock. It also made me realise that my now ex-husband's weird behaviour for the whole of the previous seven months was because he was "comforting" her. Pair of shits.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/08/2017 01:32

User I do hope you realise how much pain that woman was in and how much her life will be affected by your affair. The fact you're not together anymore makes it even worse. So much devastation and all in vain. I speak from bitter experience. See above..

user1485639128 · 30/08/2017 01:38

@TheFormidableMrsC I learnt my lesson. The only good thing to come out of it was my DD

babybigapple · 30/08/2017 02:16

Thanks for clarifying MrsC and I'm sorry for what happened to you.

Is it any consolation that the OW was probably in a very bad place due to the circumstances? Are they still together?

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/08/2017 02:41

babybigapple...thank you, no it's no consolation. I found out she tried to persuade my husband to leave me when we were only 2 years into our marraige so there had been an earlier affair. I also assume they stayed in touch over the the entire duration (14 years). I had no idea. I couldn't bear her, she literally poured herself over him in front of me, my brother had to have a word with her about her behaviour and I was relieved when she left his employment. I doubt her husband was aware of any of it either. My husband found out about the death and was in there straight away. We had a two year by then. Four years on, yes, they are still together but I know he knows he made the biggest mistake of his life. He no longer sees our son. He's lost everything. They can't marry as she would lose her pension related to her husband's work and they are together 24/7. They made my life a misery for a long time, indeed I have 3 threads here charting the whole sorry tale. I am in a much better place now and realise that she's done me a huge favour. We recently had to have some contact over a residency order and she sent a solicitors letter threatening me for contacting him (!). He had turned up on my doorstep and I think there lies the issue. I wouldn't want to be her, living with that level of insecurity with a cheat who treated his wife and children the way he did. Good luck to her! She's going to need it. Sorry, I didn't mean to type an essay there!

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/08/2017 02:47

....or derail!

DistantSun · 30/08/2017 07:58

No, I haven't told OWs husband yet but I may do, I can change my mind at any point. I have also ensured she's aware of this and use it to my advantage.

Maybe today, maybe next week, maybe next year. Who knows when the mood may take me.

OW has to live in fear of that every day and I see it in her face.

DadOctave · 30/08/2017 08:33

I think telling the Om's wife would be like pressing the nuclear button for me, although part of me is tempted as I don't think my exDw or Om Really realise the magnitude of the wrongfulness of what they have done.

However I need to play the long quiet game and do what's best for my kids.

ravenmum · 30/08/2017 08:51

The OW's husband found out first and did not tell me; he contacted my ex and told him to keep his hands off his wife. Months later I read my ex's emails, and the "hands off" email was in there too, plus my ex's and OW's brainless comments about it - my ex respected her husband for reacting so coolly, apparently. Neither of them could actually give a shit that he was pointing out what dirty slimeballs they were; they were talking about his pain together behind his back without even considering that they had caused it, or that they were still causing me pain.

When her husband found out, I already had major suspicions, and if he'd told me, it would have meant several fewer months of being treated like shit while trying to work out if I was a nasty paranoid bitch.

When I read his email, I didn't know whether OW's ex was up to date on the fact that my ex hadn't kept his hands off, so I cautiously approached him just asking if he knew what was going on. He'd already started divorce proceedings.

MirandaWest · 30/08/2017 08:53

I was in the position where I knew about XHs affair but the OWs DP didn't. I could have got in touch with him and considered it, but didn't. I think I'm glad that I didn't.

ravenmum · 30/08/2017 08:54

So it is not necessarily the case that telling the OW/OM's partner means dropping a big bomb on a happy, clueless person. It could be that you are helping a torture victim finally work out wtf is going on.

Original poster
rosabug · 30/08/2017 09:10

theformidablemrsC that's quite a story and I am so happy you are in a better place and also so happy he's not!

distantsun yes - that's how I feel. I know I wouldn't now - but she will never be sure. Also I know she is unhappy in her main relationship, but has 2 young kids and not a lot of money so she's stuck. So that also gives me pleasure. If I told, it might end up better for her in the long run, but I'd rather she remained stuck. I also made her life very difficult when I first found out and I doubt she would risk another affair (my partner wasn't her first). So I've screwed her over on 2 fronts, even if she thinks she got away with it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rosabug · 30/08/2017 09:21

ravenmun people who have affairs become blindly arrogant. They enter an altered state and there is nothing you can do about it. The rest of us have to eat the hard painful reality.

I so agree that you are also potentially ending the torture for someone, but in my case I know the OW's OP is a devoted father and as they are not married would likely loose out on contact with his kids. It's a tough one, it really is. I also thought that on some level he likely knows and has made a sub-conscience deal with himself for the children.

I think I kind of did that - looking back it was plain to see (4 years it went on) - he hid it in plain sight. But one month after our DD went off for university I made the effort to finally check his phone. Maybe I was waiting?? It's a weird thing.

OP posts:
DistantSun · 30/08/2017 16:05

Everyone has to make their own decision about whether to tell or not. Each situation is different and circumstances can change over time.

littleredpear · 30/08/2017 21:27

I told OW husband, not in person. Printed every bit of evidence I could find and posted it to him (different city). I had never spoken or met him. She sent us a 'family' card every Christmas with the return address on it so I knew where she lived.

Never heard a word from either of them about it.

Google tells me he's no longer in the same house.

I hope I finally showed him what she is (as well as my shitty DH) - I hope it helped him leave her. Her behaviour and my husbands behaviour was unforgivable.

littleredpear · 30/08/2017 21:32

To @ravenmum's point. She bitched about her useless DH so much I felt very sorry for him in the end as I read everything. No wonder the poor guy spent so much time in the pub if that's what she thought of him.

Reading all the texts and emails, the poor guy worked 13 hour days to allow her lifestyle of no job, massive house and new car in one of the most expensive parts of the UK. Prosecco lunches, gym memberships, designer bags, holidays and a million kid activities.

He would have read all that.