Should I call time on our 17 year relationship?

[FrazzledEm]

First time poster, long time reader...please be gentle ;)

DH & I have been together for 17 years, married for 13 with DS (9) and DD (7). Our relationship has always been a bit "tempestuous" I suppose - he was engaged twice before but reluctant to commit to me, & I had to give him an ultimatum to seal the deal. Large wedding called off due to his cold feet, and misdemeanours on both sides at that time (during a "break" I guess although we were still living together). Ended up getting married abroad on our own with no friends or family. Two kids later, and of course our sex life is not as great as it used to be...to be fair, it's pretty non-existent due to a few reasons: 1) DD is a dreadfully clingy child & insists on sleeping in our bed most nights; 2) I had an invasive procedure this year which has put me off (admittedly); and 3) I am always too bloody tired and have little appetite for it!

However, I thought this was a fairly recent "problem" - I know he is frustrated about the situation but I've tried to help the situation by agreeing to join him on work trips twice before the end of the year, giving us some time alone.

Two weeks ago though, during a family holiday, he told me he thought it best that we separate for 6 months & some time apart may make us reassess what we want. He said that he has felt this way since we had the children, and should have said something sooner. He feels disjointed from the family, and that I prioritise the children over him always. I was pretty surprised but not aghast but it was impossible to talk while we were still away. On a few snatched moments alone, I acknowledged his feelings but said I was trying and suggested we try some counselling. He refused, & said it wouldn't help.

Since then, he has told me that I have let myself go since having the children and he no longer finds me attractive. Admittedly, I'm heavier than I would like (who isn't?!) but I'm a size 14 at most, and keep myself looking nice in every other way too. I've never been a gym bunny, it's incredibly boring to me, but I've also never pretended to be. He is talking like I am obese and cannot see it - body dysmorphia was mentioned!

I feel so hurt, and not a little bit stupid. I thought our love / marriage was deeper than this, and with 2 young children & a dog, a husband that is never home during the week and very likely approaching the menopause, I would have expected some more understanding. He said he is not prepared to live like a monk for the rest of his life so either I have to change, or we can't continue. Now I feel he is shallow and selfish, and not sure I can get over it.

My question is...do I bite the bullet and focus on losing weight & having more sex in order to save our marriage (for us & for the kids), despite (I suspect) never feeling the same about him after this, or do I tell him where to go? I feel so very torn - I came from a "broken home" and so badly don't want that for my children but equally the tension between us is palpable to anyone around us. Perhaps I should make more of an effort but doesn't it take two? He rarely shows me any affection (cuddles or kisses) despite me telling him regularly that I can't get excited about the other side of it without that...like most women I think.

I (and others) recognise that perhaps he is going through a mid-life crisis (sports car purchase, increased gym attendance etc) but I don't think there is anyone else...but perhaps I'm being naive? Should I just ride it out?

He is insistent that he is going this weekend, and will live somewhere else in the week returning at weekends to see the children. Part of me feels he is calling my bluff and wants a reaction, which I have so far refused to give him.

Thoughts / advice / hugs welcome please :(

He doesn't sound like he wants you to be happy

You have changed? He hasn't?

My parents divorced when I was 5, I have little recollection of it all. What was hard was watching my best friend go through her parents divorce when we were teenagers. Her parents "tried" for years and it was awful to watch, especially at an age you could understand and see that things weren't great. Finally they called it a day just before our GCSEs, not great timing. Personally, I think you need to do what is best for you, living a life the way you describe with bad sex and little affection isn't nice, you deserve better. You deserve happiness.

No real advice, but here's a huge hug (((((hugs))))) for you xx

He's not a nice person. What a slightly shameful, rather undignified set of accusations he's produced. Has he got his eye on someone else?

The weight thing is always a smokescreen for something else, usually a desire for bad behavioiur that he wants to be able to blame you for.

Do you love him at all? Do you want to stay with him? Whatever you decide, don't let him have his cake and eat it, which is what this new living arrangement he proposes will involve.

It sounds like he's looking to blame you/put you down rather than manning up

I agree with you that sex is difficult to get to without affection and it sounds like you are in a vicious cycle with that - why is it its always the woman that has to improve things first! Why can't they see a little attention, a compliment, a random gesture/hug goes a long way towards them 'getting what they want'

I have a feeling that if you lost weight, blah blah blah he'd find some other criticism so do it, by all means...but do it for you

Don't let him strip you of your self worth before he toddles off to refind his younger self

What a total arsehole.

He's disjointed from family life because he can't really be arsed with it. Of course you put your children first.

He's basically never been into this 100% - from the shilly shallying about a the beginning, the lack of grip about children, now he's not getting enough sex. It's all me me me. Not about what you or the children want or what he can do for you all.

He's rewriting history to justify leaving, and listing all the things you've supposedly done wrong. He thinks it's your fault you don't want to have sex with him, but he's basically not turning you on.

Please don't put on the red light in a desperate bid to 'keep him', it's humiliating and undignified and with the sports car and the gym going, if he's not already having an affair he's likely got his eye on someone - it will lead nowhere.

I'm really sorry but I think you have to accept that he's not the person you thought he was.

It's telling that the marriage went wrong for him when you had children. He was no longer the centre of your attention (oh how I loathe men who are jealous of the attention their parents give their kids) and he probably thinks he wasn't getting enough sex from then on.

There's nothing that you have done wrong this many is simply too selfish and narcissistic to be able to cope with family life and the changes that come with it.

You're right he's just a shallow and selfish man. Once you've seen that it's impossible to unsee.

He has met someone else, and is changing the narrative to put the blame squarely onto you when he shags her, if he hasn't already.

Sorry, OP, but it ticks all the boxes. Right down to refusing counselling as it "won't work". Of course it won't work - the fucker's checked out of your marriage!

It makes me really angry that he's done such a number on you that your reaction is to consider trying to lose weight for him and having more sex, even though you don't actually want it, for the perfectly legitimate reasons you mention. What's he doing to help you feel less tired but more horny??

*their partners not their parents that should say

I would tell him he'd better find somewhere to live that allows him proper care of the children, then, not just coming round to 'see' them at weekends. Make it clear he will have to step up as a parent if he doesn't want to do it as a partner with you. He seems to be envisioning a fun-filled, responsibility-free life. Nope, he's a dad and still has work to do.

Why should you compromise x

Only lose weight and have more sex with him if YOU want to. But do you really think this will save your marriage? Do you even want to save it?
I would say though that if he goes he goes. None of this coming back at the weekends.
I'd like to think that in your position I would take control: tell him to leave because I want to separate, tell him that he is not welcome back at weekends, get my finances sorted without telling him and lawyer up. It does smack of an OW and him testing the water so to speak so I think you should look after yourself.
He is the only weight you need to lose.
What a knob.

Sadly, I think the problems here are so deep rooted, that separating is inevitable. Neither of you are getting what you want from the relationship, so is splitting up actually so bad?

Day that you are happy to separate and want to go for 50/50 for the children. Watch him baulk and start negotiating. He is changing the narrative to excuse his leaving. Take control.

For me, sex is a problem gresdion of affection. He could be affectionate to you regardless of your size and the fact that he doesn't want affection, love and mutual respect and just laments the fact you don't fuck is indicative of what he thinks of you...and it's not a loving partnership.

I notice your post is all about what YOU need to do OP. What about your husband, it would be nice if he could be more understanding, affectionate, tolerant, less judgemental.
I would have called time on the relationship after the big wedding was called off.
A relationship can only work if BOTH partners change and that means not just you.
If you and your husband want this relationship to survive then you need to go to counselling together and the changes need to come from your husband as well.
One sided change rarely work, both parties have to take responsibility for a marriage.

I agree with the others who say that in his head he has already left the marriage. He's playing a nasty game by making it all look like your fault.

If it was the other way round, we wouldn't be telling you to put up with him if he gained weight and you found him unattractive, so we need to apply the same conditions here.
Let him go - he doesn't want you, and it doesn't like like you want him

What a bitchy post Neutrogena, totally overlooking the fact that people tend to blame the other partner when they want to leave a relationship.

I would certainly be telling a woman to put up with a man who gained a bit of weight. Size 14 is a perfectly normal size. The problem seems to be that OP won't have sex with him enough,

I think there's someone else. He's going to the gym and wants to separate - I think he's comparing you to someone he's met there.

What I wouldn't do is have him live at home at the weekend. There's no reason why you should do that - he's the one who said it's all over and he's going.

Nor should he have the children at the weekend (ie fun time) when you have them throughout the week when they're tired and you have to do homework etc. How far away is he planning to live?

I don't think he's the man for you anyway. I think you and your children will be much happier without him.

It's sounding like 'the script'

He's making you feel horrid OP and that it's all your fault.

I'm also thinking there's OW lurking somewhere

I can hear The Script.

He has someone else on his mind, whether he's approached her already or not can't be known, but I think you must accept that this whole situation has little to do with you. This is him.

I'd let him go op. He isn't into it, isnt arsed in general and you can't make someone be arsed. If you let him go now, the children have time to adjust before they reach an age when it becomes so so soooo much harder.

Sorry. It's awful isn't it. But once the upheaval is over you'll wish you'd made it happen sooner. Xx

Yes and definitely none of this "home for the weekend" shit. That's aka "having ones cake and eating it".

Tell him to move out properly, start a child access cadence now that would be acceptable to a judge. The children should not be made to adjust more than once to a new normal just because daddy wants to bring his washing home every week / get his ego stroked by an ex who is doing the Pick Me dance. Fuck that, he doesn't get to be that selfish. The children need to come first here.