How did you tell your H the marriage was over/you were leaving? I need help, so depressed and fed up.

[ClothEaredBint]

I'm at that point.... we've been together 16yrs and i'm miserable, I don't like him any more, I don't want to be here.

I'm sick to death of being made to feel useless, worthless and lazy, of not being allowed to do anything around the house, but then being told i'm being unfair by expecting him to do it all..

I'm sick of being told I can't go to my mothers, that he doesn't like my brother and niece, of him picking fights because I don't wan sex every night, of him trying to tell me when I can go to bed.

He's now threatening to turn off the internet because of our DS who has ASD being on it all the time (his obsession is youtube videos and gaming) but if he does that, he'll be completely cutting me off from my support network as I have no friends in where I live and I talk to family and friends online.. its also where my hobbies revolve around as i'm stuck in the house because of DS's needs and have no social life.

He's making me ill, my mental health is suffering.. yesterday I showered, washed my hair and brushed it for the first time in two weeks, I've just been so low and miserable and unhappy, I haven't seen the point... I know its disgusting, but I just want to run away, or curl up in bed and never move... yesterday for the first time, I actually had the thought that maybe it'd be better to be dead than to have to live this shithole of a life with a man who thinks he's wonderful when in fact he's an emotionally abusive arsehole.

Sure, he does housework, he cooks, cleans...etc, but only because I never do it right, or good enough for him. He says he doesn't want to do it anymore but then just does it and wont leave it when I tell him to leave it and let me get on with it, but then I just gets loads of PA comments like 'well if I don't do it, it won't get done'

I want to leave.. but I don't know how. I left him 6 years ago but back then I didn't have 2 cats and a disabled child to think about, both dc's were under 5yo and I just packed a bag and left... now I have to think about rehoming my cats because I can't take them with me, I have to think about DS because the only place I have to go is my moms house and its in a different health/school council area... but DS needs to go to a special school for his secondary education and I don't even know how to go about dealing with transferring his EHCP..

How do I do this? how do I tell him I've had enough? I feel like shit and I just don't want to do this any more. I need out.

So sorry OP. He's a complete shithouse.

Are you married, do you own the house?

married, he owns the house/mortgage in his name.

Hi OP

You poor thing. I've got a thread at the moment because I am actually leaving my husband (in just under a month). I have to leave my cats too and can't have a pet as I will be too near the road. He is making you miserable and you must know that he is emotionally abusive - to you and your ds. If you are married it doesn't matter that the house is in his name, you will be able to get a kind of settlement and maintenance for your children. Try and feel strong enough to go and see a solicitor to find out where you stand - and although I don't have a dc with any kind of special need I'm sure some wise MNetter will come along and tell you that it is possible to move and sort things out.

Don't give him any more of your life to stamp all over. You owe it to yourself and dc to live somewhere peaceful and happy - but only you can make it happen. But I promise you that once you get the ball rolling, you will start to feel stronger.

thanks Frenchlady :)

We moved with a DS with ASD and the first thing we did was contact the education authority of the new place we were moving to and ask to speak to the officer for special educational needs. That was 10 years ago and things may have changed. There is a forum on MN for parents of children with SN. You will get more up to date information from people on there. Good luck!

Nothing was ever right or good enough for my ex either. I went to see a solicitor to find out where I stood re the house etc. You need to do the same then start looking into moving out as you will feel so much better mentally when you're not in the same house.

I don't want the house, or anything to do with it, tbh its just a place of bad memories and darkness. I hate it.

Feeling really low again today, I don't feel strong enough for this, just want to crawl into bed and stay there. No motivation.

Would your mum take you in? If she would then go, you can sort out everything else out once you are safe.

You sound terribly depressed and no wonder.

Can you get to the GP and explain to them how you feel and what's happening? They may be able to start getting you some help

Please phone Womens Aid urgently - 0808 2000 247
This is massive abuse and control and they can help with a safe exit plan.
Find that strength for your DS.
You know you can do it.
The biggest step was posting here!
Even if you don't do it today - make it the thing you do tomorrow

Would you have any support?
Family or friends?
Even if they are far away?

And don't tell him anything at all until you are fully ready to leave.
Don't give him any opportunity to hoover you back in.
In fact it's best you leave and then tell him once you've gone.
But Womens Aid can help you with that too.
Keep trying them.

Hells, thank you, but this really isn't a Womens Aid thing.. he's not physically abusive at all, even slightly, we're in no danger, unless its of being shouted at, and I don't tolerate it and tell him to pipe down.

I wouldn't feel right involving them when there are women out there who need them more than I ever will. We're fine in the day to day, if you don't count his constant martyr-esque digs at me.

He cant hoover me back in, this is just about me trying to find the strength to break this holding pattern i'm stuck in.. the path of least resistance is to just put up with it like I have done the last 6 years, but I know its making me ill.

I wish i'd never made the choice to give him another chance, it was really good for a few years, but the last 18mo/2yrs he's just reverted to why I left him in the first place.

I strongly believe he's autistic, the more I learn about DS, the more I see it in H, there's just no compromise, he's as miserable as I am because he can't stand my hap-hazard chaos any more than I can tolerate his rigid need for order and control, and neither of us are happy, the only difference is, he's taking it out on me emotionally, whereas I just withdraw. Whatever worked 16 years ago doesn't now.. i'm not the 20yo he fell in love with.. i'm a 36yo disabled mother of 2 with a disabled child who I have to put first.

I want to do this amicably, I want to be able to co-parent with him because I know he loves the kids.. but its gearing myself up for the chaos, pain and arguing that'll come from me saying its over and I want out. His first marriage ended in divorce because his ExW left him for someone else, he's already making digs that i'm seeing someone/having an affair on the internet (other reason for threatening to cut it off) I'm NOT btw, I wouldn't do that.

I have loads of family support, my SIL has already said she will have the cats, my brother has even talked about them moving and renting the house they have currently out to me in the future. I have a place to go, my mom lives alone in a huge 3 bed and has said I am welcome there, no strings attached, and she's my best friend.

The obstacles I have are

1. DS's EHCP/schooling
2. plucking up the courage to tell H I want out.
3. my mental health, I know i'm not well, and I know the situation is the cause of it, but its why 2 is so hard, and why 1 feels like such a massive thing.

I tried the GP this morning, but there's never any appt left, only emergency ones and they refused to give one to me.

So he's mentally tortured so much that you now have MH issues.
And it's NOT a case for Womens Aid?
Really?
Why not?
Emotional abuse if very much underestimated.
WA know this and will be able to help you understand it all.
It's now against the law due to the damage it causes.
Please seek help.

I've always had Anxiety, was diagnosed at 17 with it, i'm used to dealing with it, what his behaviour is doing is making it so bad I CANT cope with it without help.

because it would be hard to prove. My family see it, but everyone else I talk to just goes 'well maybe you ought to do more around the house, then he wouldn't complain he's working full time and doing all the housework'

The only thing I have in my favour lately is his filter of 'mr nice guy' is falling away, he's started showing his ass to all his friends and family too, and he's not just isolating me, but effectively doing it to himself.

He needs help as much as I do, but he's one of those who doesn't believe in mental health problems, he thinks people just take the piss and use it to make excuses.. which is why he doesn't give a fuck about mine.

But no, I don't feel I need WA, not when there are women and kids in real physically violent situations who need the support.

What I am going to do, which is constructive, is start getting the house in order and thinning out the crap me and the kids don't need/use, so when i'm ready to go, there will be less to take with us... might start filtering some of my stuff off to my moms bit by bit too.

There's a really good website for neurotypical partners of people with Asperger Syndrome. It's called Different Together. You'll find loads of help, support and sympathy on there from people who have been in your position. Best of luck with it. I know how difficult it can be to filter stuff, but as a starting point it may help you feel empowered as it's a step in the right direction.

thanks cheapskate, not sure i'd qualify though, not an NT myself I also have HFA, which probably also isn't helping matters between us.

Think he knows somethings up as he's being quite attentive and affectionate right now, but he still can't help the little digs at me, usually disguised as 'jokes' and of course I'm being grumpy for refusing to find anything funny about them.

You sound really depressed, ClothEaredBint. Please press on with your gp. Please make contact with Womens' Aid. So no, you're not being battered to pieces. Domestic Abuse is more complicated than that. I thought, when I first contacted WA that really there was not much wrong, despite what people on MN were telling me.

All those people were right, and my husband has been ramping up the abuse over the summer. It's not physical, but he is doing whatever he is able to harm me mentally. He had me arrested. Now the police are more interested in him.

Hi Tiger, glad he got his just desserts.

clothearedbint there's a woman with HFA, whose 1st & current DH have AS. She, writes, speaks & does workshops. She's called Sarah Hendricks, but I just want to check the spelling of her surname as I'm sure it's got an x in it somewhere...