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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Passive Aggressive?

9 replies

tigercub50 · 29/08/2017 16:20

Just interested really as DH apologised for what he said but I wondered if he said it instead of being honest about what he really thought. To explain - I had been sorting DD out after a trip to the beach & had just made my tea so when DD called down that she had accidentally done a wee on her bedroom carpet, I asked if DH could see to it. He said he would do it in a bit & that was fine ( he didn't mention that he was doing some work & I wouldn't have guessed as he is off this week). I didn't say anything else about it but then he suddenly said " Typical that it has to be my responsibility when I'm working". I then got annoyed because to say that was totally unnecessary. He even felt he had to defend himself for working on a Bank Holiday but I hadn't said anything negative about that, just that it was a pity. I sometimes think he is feeling guilty about stuff or in this case didn't want to do what I'd asked him but instead of being honest, he ends up having a go. He even said he knew there would be hell to pay if he told me he was too busy to do it. - well, I'm not like that at all!
We talked about it later & he said as soon as he'd said what he did, he apologised & he didn't know why he'd said it.
Is this passive aggressive or just poor communication? ( I do tend to miss apologies & then " go off on one", telling DH how I feel lots of times where once would be enough)

OP posts:
tigercub50 · 29/08/2017 16:58

Anyone there?

OP posts:
pallasathena · 29/08/2017 17:01

Do you overthink everything? I ask because, in the grand scheme of things your reaction and your decision to share smacks of self righteousness.
And there is nothing more unattractive OP than a self righteous nit picker.

tigercub50 · 29/08/2017 17:15

I do tend to overthink things. Not sure about self - righteous tho. I can overreact to stuff but it's because of what used to happen in our relationship. What do you think about what my DH said pallasathena?

OP posts:
tigercub50 · 29/08/2017 17:29

Still don't know how to make a username bold

OP posts:
pallasathena · 29/08/2017 17:41

I think you are basically looking for something wrong, something to worry about, something to validate your own sense of outrage. I really do think you need to take a step back and not get so emotionally incontinent about a passing comment from someone who is obviously working, albeit from home.
It strikes me that you like to be in control, you make mountains out of molehills and maybe, you're incredibly bored today?

tigercub50 · 29/08/2017 18:02

I didn't know he was working as he is often on the I pad or laptop when he's not working. It used to be that DH could be manipulative/ controlling so perhaps that's a factor in how I behave now, I don't know. I'm not sure I want to be in control. I asked DH to help because I hadn't stopped since we got in & I had just made toast as part of my tea so didn't want it to go cold. He has said before that he doesn't always think to tell me what he's doing.

OP posts:
tigercub50 · 29/08/2017 18:04

And once I did know, I only said it was a pity for him, not because I was fed up about it. He works very hard & this week is his main holiday 🙂

OP posts:
tigercub50 · 29/08/2017 19:44

Any other thoughts or am I overthinking it?

OP posts:
DD0314 · 29/08/2017 19:51

I think you're overthinking it. The work thing I think a lot of couples have similar conversations so I wouldn't worry about that at all. The other thing, again I think it's quite minor. I'd just make it clear that I wasn't having a dig and that's that. No biggie.

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