Dealing with DSis's over helpful BF

[ArghAndDoubleArgh]

Apologies in advance for the length of this post, I don't want to drip feed.

I have two DSis, we're all very close, live close by and see a lot of each other. I have a toddler DS. DSis1 has a newborn DC. My DSis2 has no DC, but definitely wants DC and split with her long term BF a year ago due to his lack of interest in having DC any time soon.

Three months ago DSis2 met a new BF, they're crazy about each other, things have moved quickly and they're now happily living together. He has no DC but has told DSis2 he's keen to settle down and have DC with her in the near future. I think he's definitely 'the one' for DSis2. I'm really happy for DSis2 about this because she's the happiest I've seen her in years, she's positively glowing. So far, so good. BUT...

The one thing that's stressing me out is that this new BF is way too full on with our DC and keeps on overstepping the mark. I think it's because he's absolutely desperate to impress DSis2 and us, which is really sweet and admirable but it's just getting to be too much and starting to really grate on me.

Every time we see them he spends all his time manically following DS around trying to entertain him in a very OTT performance type way, even when DS is clearly not interested and either trying to do his own thing or play with someone else (like me, DH or DM). He's also constantly making suggestions to Dsis1 and I about how we should care for our DC. Some examples from the last week include: on a car trip DS started grizzling a bit as he was napping but had a cough that kept waking him up, I asked DH to pull over the car so I could administer some cough medicine to enable DS to sleep, but the BF said 'are you sure it's just his cough, is his nappy too uncomfortable for him, maybe you should change it', I told him no, I'd changed it just before we set off 20 mins ago and it wasn't dirty, so he then said 'maybe you should stop at a shop then and get him some other types of medicine, the stuff you've got might not be enough on its own'. At a family party DS hadn't napped as he was overexcited to see everyone and started to grizzle, I was in the process of putting him in his push chair so I could talk him for a walk outside to get him to nap and helpful BF came over and said 'are you sure he's not too hot, maybe you should take his jumper off and get him some fresh air'. Then at a supermarket I got DS out of the car and put him in his pushchair while DH got the changing bag from the car, BF walked over and just took the pushchair with DS in and without a word started walking off ahead of us. Then yesterday DSis1 got a little weepy as her DH is going back to work after paternity leave and she was telling DSis2 and I that she was understandably nervous about coping alone for the first time and BF chimed in with a very dismissive 'you'll be fine, newborns aren't hard to look after, all they do is eat and sleep'. Hopefully this paints the picture, but there's lots more examples from the last 3 months.

I've not said anything to DSis2 as she's so happy and would be mortified to know how irritating I'm finding all this. I've also not discussed it with DSis1 as I don't want to make it into an us vs him situation. My DH has however confided in me that he also finds it irritating and both of us have on avoided spending time with him (and consequently DSis2) a few times because of it.

So I guess what I want to know is WWYD? I don't want to lose my closeness with DSis2 or rain on her happiness, but at the same time her BFs over helpfulness and apparently superior parenting abilities are driving me up the wall. Should I say something to make him tone it down and risk upsetting both of them, and if so what do I say? Or do just suck it up and hope that, as DH has suggested, over time he relaxes and stops desperately trying to impress everyone, and if they have children he'll either realise how annoying his comments are or be too busy with his own DC to be so concerned with our DC?

It's difficult cause I'm certain his behaviour is coming from a good place and he's actually just very insecure and trying to prove himself to us and DSis2, but it's just so hard to remember this and not let it drive me nuts! I really want to like this guy for the sake of my amazing DSis.

Be careful about thinking of this person as perfect for your sister, he is clearly controlling and a bit odd.

I would be spending as little time as possible with him. He has only been with your sister a few months and you are sharing cars and doing supermarket shopping together. I have never done that with my brother in law who has been with my sister more than ten years.

Thanks for the quick and fab reply @Anecdoche your mansplaining term made me laugh out loud! I think your fuck it light might be a good option to begin with, I think he's quite an insecure guy underneath all he mansplaining though so, while I want him to back off I also don't want to crush him I think since becoming a mum I've starting to develop a bit of a fuckit attitude too when I used to be very non confrontational, but I want to make sure I'm not going too far with the fuckit!

You barely know him. Your DSIS barely knows him.

I wouldn't let him him into my life as much as you (and your family have)

He sounds controlling and apart from that, he could quite literally be anyone.

Mmm, this is tricky. giving him the benefit of the doubt that he's insecure etc is all very well but I have to say, we have had similar (but less intense) issues with BIL (DH's sister's husband). when he first came on the scene he was clearly so happy to be with her and to be around family (his are awful) and it was very sweet. But his arrival at the hospital after I had DS really annoyed me because of its insensitivity and we had years of "suggestions" from him on how to look after DS. All were made with the most genuine of good intentions.

But... there are other issues. He has a tendency to think his way is the only way and not to listen to anyone else and this has been an issue in his relationship with SIL. We are all torn because mostly we like him and genuinely believe he's a good person, but the way he behaves and the way she behaves as a result is really frustrating. And now that they have a baby of their own, the advice and commentary hasn't stopped. My particular favourite is how he is constantly telling my DC to be careful when they're running around, even when I'm right there and telling him that they are fine and I am not worried about them. You won't be shocked to hear however that he is completely uninterested in advice from us. Even, ironically, when we are asked. Eventually over one issue in particular Dh and I had to tell him to stop talking to us about it because he asked our opinion separately and together on multiple occasions but never accepted our advice. We couldn't have cared less about that, but the repeated asks as if our answer would change to the one he wanted was driving us nuts.

Having said all that, I don't think there is anything you can do. I would suggest a lighter version of what anecdoche suggested and just say something like, "BF, thanks but I really am fine and I know what I'm doing. Please leave it." or something similar.

Good luck. Sorry, I think I may be a bit negative as our feelings over BIL are extremely mixed and after all these years it's still an ongoing issue for all of us. So I am possibly projecting to you.

I just reread that and realised I kind of missed a step. My point about him coming to the hospital was tat he was inserting ourselves into our lives in a very intimate manner when he had only been with SIL for a few months. And that, in retrospect, I realise was very controlling behaviour and unpleasant. I do feel that for such an early relationship, he does seem to be heavily invested. Does he have family of his own?

Three months is a very short period of time for anybody to be making any decisions about a long term future.

Thanks all for your replies, you're right to warn to be cautious and don't worry I'm a very, very wary person.

We and him are from a small town where everyone knows everyone so while his and DSis's relationship is new we have a lot of mutual friends who vouch for him being a good guy. DSis is also very feisty and has her head firmly screwed on which lessens my concern that he could be controlling to her but I will stay vigilant.

In terms of letting him into our lives too much, it sounds from my post that we're together all the time, but usually we see them once a week for Sunday lunch at DMs; which isn't much for us as DSis used to call in every couple of days to see us when she was single. This weekend we saw more of them as we were all invited to a family party on Saturday 3 hours drive away so we shared a lift and stopped at a supermarket to pick up a couple of bits on the way home, we don't all go driving around doing our weekly shop together! Then we called in to see DSis1 for a cup of coffee yesterday as it was the bank holiday.

He does have family and is very close to them, so DSis has also seen a lot of them too, hopefully she hasn't got on their nerves to the same extent

I'm sorry if I've made him sound creepy, he isn't, it's more that I think he sees himself as a bouncy fun helpful kind of guy but underneath it is actually quite insecure and desperate to be liked, so when he's had feedback about how helpful he's been or that he's been sweet to DS he's now keen to keep showing it, and also that he's smitten with DSis and knows she ended her last relationship due to eXBF not being keen to have kids so it's like he wants to show her he'd make a good dad in the future.

Three months is a very short period of time for anybody to be making any decisions about a long term future.

I completely agree with this. Even if they have mutual friends who think he is a nice person, it is still a very new relationship. It's also WAY too soon to be moving in together.

Regardless of whether he has good intentions or whether he is controlling, I would still do as Anecdoche says, keep repeating "it's ok thank you, I don't need advice." Don't get drawn into any discussion about parenting

Where is the fire?

Why is he planning this all out, only 12 weeks in? he doesnt know Dsis.

People who do this have something to hide, or a reason to get their prey on the hook.

He has no sense of boundaries and is over invested in your DC

Your instincts are tripping for a reason. keep him at a distance.

Everyone who knew my ex would speak highly of him, but that means NOTHING! He was and is abusive and manipulative.

I think this guy is sending up huge red flags. His relentlessness in regards to being around kids who aren't even his is very worrying to me. It's almost as though he's grooming all of you in order to try and gain your trust as quickly as possible. I would be wondering why? How much do you really know about this guy? Has anyone checked to see if he has a criminal background?

I'm sorry but I'm hearing alarm bells.
The relationship is brand new, it's ridiculously early days to be so full-on.

I'm in two minds about BF, on one hand he could just be a super insecure guy wanting to make a good impression but being quite clumsy with it OR he could be something quite sinister ranging from a manipulative and controlling partner to someone grooming your sister and her family for his own wicked ends (I noted that the thread escalated quite quickly this afternoon).

If I were in your situation (could well be at some point, I have 3 sisters), then I would probably say something like "it's okay, mate, I know how to parent my own kid" in a would be casual tone of voice while raising an eyebrow at him with an expression of "how weird is it that you're telling me how to parent my own child when you have no personal parenting experience".
If he didn't get the hint then I would probably reduce the amount of time I spent around him and start using phrases like "wind your neck in" depending on how bad he was being.

I agree with PP though, that 3 months/12 weeks is no time at all and that your Dsis has moved really quickly to be living with this guy already and thinking about permanently linking her life with him by having a child in the near future.

Tell him to sit the fuck down and stop stalking your child, basic advice is to leave children to 'manage' on their own if they're being independent. I can't imagine any child would enjoy the constant helicoptering. When he gives you advice, give him death stares and ask him not to interfere with your parenting. I'm afraid I'd be pretty strong in order to stop him. He would drive me mad.

Thanks everyone for your advice, I've thought a lot about it, I also showed DH your replies and we had a really good conversation about the situation last night. We both very much agree that we should absolutely continue to be wary and vigilant, as I've mentioned we see them once a week for Sunday lunch at DMs and have never left DS in the BFs company without either DH or I being present and we've agreed we'll continue to do this as a precaution.

DH agrees that the BF is very OTT but genuinely thinks it's cause he's nervous and desperate to impress the family, but as a PP said he's just clumsy in how he goes about it. DH pointed out that the BF is overly helpful with a whole range of things and not just DS. For example he'll just start clearing the table and loading the dishwasher, and offering to get people new drinks if their glass is empty.

DH also pointed out that we're a very close knit family and clearly very important to DSis, both DH and BIL (DS1s DH) have been on the scene since we were late teens (15 years) so it must be quite an intimidating situation for this new BF to be introduced to, and when he sees us all being very familiar with each other he thinks he needs to try to fit in. He's also one of those nervous people who talks constantly and can't handle awkward silences so I think some of his suggestions are him just talking for the sake of talking if that makes sense.

We do agree we need to set him some boundaries so as many of you suggested we're going to start being quite blunt when he makes his parenting suggestions and respond with 'thanks, but honestly I don't need any parenting advice, I'm managing fine', and also next time he's clowning around we're going to say 'I know you mean well but DS needs a bit of space, he honestly doesn't need constantly entertaining'.
Hopefully this will make him back off, and if not we'll figure out our next move.

I'm also going to have a chat with DM just to make her aware of how we're feeling about the BF.

I agree that their relationship has moved fast, and it does concern me. In terms of the moving in together, DSis already owned her own house and the BF was living at home with his parents, so he would stay over at hers and now stays there constantly. While that's fast, it concerns me less than if they'd have gone out and got their own place and neither had anywhere to go if things went wrong. Also re the children in the near future, I think what DSis means by that is a couple of years if things work out; that is near future for her as exBF didn't even want to consider it for 10 years and DSis is 30. But next time I'm alone with her I'll bring it up and gently remind her not to rush into anything.

It sounds like you've got it sorted, or at least a plan sorted. I would start even more gently with an 'I'm fine thanks' or whatever, I don't think there's any need to start with 'I don't need parenting advice', that's quite harsh. As you say he's only trying to fit in with your relaxed & close family...hopefully he'll start to relax a bit & not try so hard, especially if you don't put him on edge. I'm quite sarcastic or jokey with everyone, DC included - so I'd treat him the same as everyone else. Which may or may not work for you. But in the example of you putting DS in the buggy to take him for a walk, I'd have said 'Well, I'm not puttng him in here to take him up to the loft 🙄😬

I know some MNers find it really hard to believe, but lots of men actually like children too - without being 'dodgy' perverts - shock horror, I know! Sadly our society had pretty much knocked it out of them showing it in public, for fear of being though 'dodgy'. If this had been your (non existent) brothers new gf, the advice would still be irritating, but you wouldn't have got posts telling to to be wary of her/that she's a danger.

Just think of him as a Labrador puppy - eager to please but needs loads of training!

I'm sure your Dsis will start to get a bit irritated too & start 'crate training' 😂 😍 Only gets you so far, then reality bites!

I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

Loads of red flags here. Moving in after 3 months? WTAF?? The trying too hard... The list is endless.

I dont think you should listen to most of the posters here. Mumsnet can sometimes actually be quite a harmful environment. You risk destroying what sounds like a nice family dynamic you've got going on, all because some posters have deemed him bossy, or creepy or controlling.

I actually knew a guy like this, and you're right, it comes from the right place: what this is about is him wanting to show and impress on your sister that he's going to make a great father to her kids one day. Quite sweet really. BUT it is annoying you.

I would:

1. Calmly and nicely tell your sister how you feel, and
2. Next time he does or says something, put a hand on his arm, look deep into his eyes, smile, and gently say: "Just relax." You could follow up with: "Its lovely how good you are with the kids, but you know, they're just kids. Dont overthink things."

That should both make him feel good and gently put him in his place.