Breaking up with someone- practical tips

[user1480794970]

Name changed.

I need some help please and I have no one I can talk to about this in RL.

I need to end things with my boyfriend. For me it's been a few months in the making but for him it will come totally out of the blue and crush him.

We've been together 5 years (not married and have no children) and for the first 4 were living in a town that was neither of our 'home town' and in a lot of ways I think we lived in a bubble. (His house but lived together).

A year ago we moved closer to my family (with children in mind) and bought a house together (he sold his). For me this is when problems started, I saw things in him that I'd ignored before and things have just completely disintergrated for me. This is also what makes me feel even more guilty because I feel like I'm abandoning him in my home town.

I know what I need to do but I just don't know how to do it. We had a big family party yesterday (at which he got rediculously drunk and pissed me off at, although that was only the straw) and now the two of us are sat here not really talking. Do I say we need to talk and then just say it? Do I write him a letter so I can get my thoughts in order?

He's going to want reasons and I'm not sure I really have them. I don't want to just tear him apart because it's not fair but how else do you do it?

Sorry this is so rambling but I'm a mess. I suppose what I'm asking is for support that I'm doing the right thing and practical advise as to how to do it!

Just say it. Get your affairs in order first, then 'I want to end our relationship, my feelings have changed'. You don't need to be more specific. If he pushes you just say 'I don't feel the same as I used to towards you and I don't want to carry on in this relationship'.

Do I say we need to talk and just say it

Yes. Exactly this. And let it land. Don't fill the silence with babble. Say it. Let it land. Give it a couple of mins. He may storm off. He may ask why. If he asks why just have a some mental bullet points ready.
Just be careful to try and keep it truthful yet un-blamey.
Instead of "you start fights on me all the time", maybe say "we're constantly rowing, so we're obviously not getting on".
If it gets shitty, walk away. Get some headspace. Maybe stay with a chum? Then when the dust has settled a bit either he'll want to know more or he'll go into hyper practical mode and start chatting about division of assets/house/money etc. Let him. It's a common way for guys to react.

Just be as sure as you can be that it has to end. IME, some men are happy to take the path of least resistance - checking out of the relationship and letting their wife/gf being down the axe. Don't expect him to "fight" for the relationship at all and you won't be disappointed.

I'm sorry you're having such a pants time. Just know that for both of you this could be the platform to a less stressful and unhappy life xxx

There's no right way is there? It's a rubbish thing to have to do. And only you know if it's the right thing to do. I would write down you thoughts, perhaps as a letter and then rip it up and talk to him. It may be worth separating for a while and seeing how you feel in a few months. Life changes and if everything was fine before you moved, could it be that he has moved for you and is desperately unhappy with the move but didn't want to tell you.

I'm not very helpful here to be honest, I feel for you but I'm not good at break-ups. I admire your strength for knowing what you want and doing it. I have had 2 real relationships, the first I ended cowardly by leaving the house for work and never going back (I had good reason to believe he would react violently) and the other relationship I am still in. Good luck and be strong! I posted only to offer support, others will have much better advice.

Thanks all.

He will fight for it, I know he will, and as awful as this sounds I think that's why it's taken me until now, I can't bear to hear the pleading and the look in his eyes.

Arghhh god this feels like the cruelest and hardest thing I've ever had to do.

Sorry, it's reverted back to my old username! Name change fail

Just be blunt, direct & remember you have the right to end any relationship, at any time for whatever reason.

Don't use the classic "we can still be friends" line either. It's bullshit. And remember you can say as little or as much as you want. You owe nobody anything

The best places to have these sorts of chats are places where you are looking ahead not at each other - in a car (as long as you are driving), or walking somewhere. That makes it easier.

You no longer feel the same way. You don't have kids so it isn't such a big deal. He'll be free to find someone who does feel the right way about him. Don't feel guilty,you can't help how you feel. A relationship doesn't have to last a lifetime for it to have been great or worthwhile.

To answer your question, tell him that you are no longer in love with him. Once you split, until he stops having feelings for you, be cruel to be kind.

It's horrible.
But it has to be done.
Like a plaster - rip it off.
Stick to facts so he can't manipulate your feelings.
You simply don't love him anymore.
He deserves someone who does love him.
I hope it's not too bad in the end.

Get your ducks in a row first. Finances etc etc People change dramatically when they are angry/scared.

Then just tell him. It'll be hard. But you're not living his life. You're living your life.

Is it something you would consider having couples counselling for? Or has that one sailed?

Has your love for him gone and never to return?

If so, then you need to have the conversation and say it's just not working for you, you've felt unsure for the last xx months, but tried to work through it, however, you now realise this isn't possible and feel it's best not to prolong the inevitable.

It is awful and I feel for you.

I sat him down, told him we needed to talk and then said the relationship just wasn't working for me any more. When he asked why, I told him I didn't love him any more, that I'd tried really hard but it just wasn't there now. He did cry, I cried, and there was a lot of pleading for counselling etc ( Counselling I'd requested several times but which he ignored) but I stayed firm.

It was awful, I won't lie. I hated hurting someone who'd once meant so much to me. But the relief was overwhelming.

The way I looked at it was this: Does this man deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't love him? No. Does he deserve better? Absolutely.

Incidentally, he was out dating after only a couple of months. Made me feel a bit silly, tbh, that I'd spent so long dreading doing what needed to be done.

Good luck x

Well it's taken me a month since posting this but I've done it.

Every bit of me hurts. I feel like I've ruined his life.

I want the next few months to be over, putting the house on the market, moving out, telling people. I just want it all over.

It's also dawned on me how afraid I am of being single.

Sorry, rambling, don't know what to do with myself.

I'm in exactly this position, can't seem to say the words though. I just can't seem to be firm and stick to my guns, endless chances but nothing changes. This time is different..... apparently. Well done you for being brave, you know it's the right thing so remember that x

You have done the right thing, yes it's going to be scary and painful but you can't live a lie. Try and keep busy and take each day as it comes. You'll get there.