The penny has finally dropped

[NaughtyToes]

My controlling ex really ISNT the man I thought he was and really is like the men you read about.

I constantly excused his behaviour as insecurities, MH issues, a tough past. I tried so hard to help but it wasn't enough and we split up. When I left he had all the words. He loves me and always will, hates himself for his treatment of me, wishes he could've changed. I STILL believed that maybe he wasn't the ever controlling man you read about even though everything he did ticked the boxes. Maybe he was just misunderstood.

But no, less than a week after this loving message of how devastated and heartbroken he is, I am informed he's back in touch with girls he was speaking with when we first met. He is back on all the apps he was when we first met. Over a years relationship and within a week it's like I never existed.

I can't make sense of my feelings and I don't think anyone I know in RL can help me. They all just tell me I'm better off out of it, and they are right. But that doesn't stop me from missing him and wishing that I wasn't out of it. I am a mess of so many different emotions and I can't make sense of it and I don't really have anyone who gets it.

I get it. You gave your heart to someone who crushed it. You believed he cared as much as you did. He didn't. Your trust has been destroyed, your self esteem left in tatters, the feelings for him remain, tinged with anger, sadness and devastation and you can't believe that someone as bright, caring, sensitive and loving as yourself has been used, abused, played and discarded.
And you are angry. Rightfully so. But not with him...with yourself.
I get it.
Time is the great healer OP, it really, really is. And so is rebuilding a relationship with yourself.
Its time for you now. Take time to look after yourself, plan some pamper time, make plans, see friends and family, take a holiday, read that book, go to see that film, take up jogging...whatever makes you feel a little better. Take some time, understand that this too shall pass.
And be kind to yourself.

Thank you. You're so right. Anger is a very big part of it I guess. Particularly since I've found out what he's been doing. I know he is single and has every right, but I'm angry that a day doesn't go by where something doesn't make me cry because of him and that I can't picture my future with anyone but him. And yet, despite guilt tripping me throughout the relationship and break up that I clearly showed that I didn't care about him or love him as much as he did me, he is moving on straight away and I can't. It just doesn't seem fair.

I am all about doing things for myself right now. I've had to apologise for doing anything I wanted to and had to have an excuse as to why I had to do it if it didn't involve him. But at the moment every time I try I just feel low and can't bring myself to do it. I'm sure that will change in time though, but it's so hard to move on when everything is a reminder.

It will change, one day, you'll start to feel angry. Not chair throwing full on anger but a healthy, eye opening sort of anger more like scorn rather than rage.
When that happens, you'll be fired up to make some healthy changes in your life.
When it happened to me, I began a quest trying to understand toxic behaviour, the sort of boundaries I should have, how to manage relationships without becoming over invested. There are so many really good books, course, articles, people out there who can help you understand what motivates us to stay in less than ideal relationships and why we do. I learned how to spot the signs of the different types of people who draw us in only to use, abuse, dismiss and discard. Why they do it, why some of us allow it and how our childhood experiences of relationships inform our expectations in adult life.
It was like a veil lifting.
Look on it as a work in progress as you make time to heal and recover. And in time, you will discover a new awareness, a proper sense of healthy self esteem and more confidence in yourself than you've ever had before.
Just keep telling yourself you are seriously awesome.
Because you are.

It really doesn't matter what he's doing now. Don't investigate and if anyone tells you tell them you're not interested. Focus on yourself, keeping busy and doing all the stuff you couldn't do before. It will get easier honest.