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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

how much can you take before you break?!

3 replies

proudhufflepuff · 28/08/2017 21:40

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, no matter what you sacrifice, no matter how hard you work at things you always end up feeling like it's never enough?
I have a son who's over 18, and since he was a babe I have loved him but given him boundaries, he's had everything he needed and more, but it was never enough. He had my time and attention, I've taught him to be independent, he works hard and is helpful to others but when it comes to me he's rude, verbally abusive, blames me for his problems, tells lies to others about me. He worked himself to burn out at school and suffered from depression. He had 2 friends with mental health issues and their relationships were destructive, they indulged each other's unhealthy ideas and compounded their own and each other issues rather than helped. Over the last 18mths my younger children have been witness to his abusive behaviour and its affecting the household, I'm tired my, husband is tired, my kids never know what to expect. We have no support but hes said things specifically to me that make me feel worthless because my life has not been an easy one.
My dad was violent and my parents flit in and out of my life unless they want something, my siblings are the same, my husband has cheated on me numerous times and I feel like all my life l've been crapped on. I'm not a bad person, I'm certainly not a whiner, I get up when I've been proverbial kicked, I fix what is broken or try to and make the best out of the bad.
So what am I missing?
I don't really expect an answer I was just giving voice to what keeps going through my head.
Am I defective? Do I court it? What do I do wrong?
What is it about me that makes other treat me with such callous disregard?

OP posts:
Dappledsunlight · 28/08/2017 22:14

Hi proudhufflepuff, so sorry to hear that you've been on the receiving end of this behaviour. I have no real answers, but suggest that you may wish to look at getting access to some support for yourself. Sympathise about your ds as mine can also be rude and appear to take me totally for granted and it gets me down. You deserve respect proud. You are his mother. You are a person. Believe it : you deserve respect.Flowers

Bettyboop99 · 28/08/2017 22:15

Hi, perhaps no expectation has been your life, you are being crapped on from everyone you allow to rise above you, and yes you are allowing it to happen. Time to start putting yourself first, if you want to make changes to your life.

Try reading; Empowerment book of forty nine tools.
Or: Self Development. Both on Amazon.

pallasathena · 29/08/2017 06:01

When people put up with things that are seriously negative, unhealthy, disrespectful, they show others that they have few, if any boundaries. And human nature being what it is, it can lead to some people adopting a contemptuous attitude to that person, viewing them as weak, a push-over, easy to manipulate and therefore not worthy of regard.
Essentially, the way we allow people to treat us shows others what we think of ourselves.
I've noticed a reluctance to challenge this sort of behaviour by the parents of older children and it appears to be because of a combination of fear of falling out and rationalising it as 'hormonal', or teen rage style angst.
My answer to that is, you're going to fall out with them anyway. Its generational. Eventually, they'll realise that you're not stupid and out of touch. Eventually, they do become normal people!
In the interim, tough love is the answer. Strong boundaries and don't put up with any crap. If he can't behave in a civilised manner, sort out a house share for him and enough money for a month's living expenses until he can sort himself out. Then wave him on his merry way.
He'll soon learn that your days as his emotional punchbag are over.
He'll also learn a very valuable lesson in that the world doesn't revolve around him.

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