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Relationships

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Original poster

New man has photos of ex in his house... red flag?

22 replies

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:17

I have been seeing a man now for just over 2 months, we met online. All is generally going well... we get on fabulously, lots in common, good sex, we've been going on proper dates and keep in contact throughout the day.

However there are a few niggles that I have, and I am not sure if it is just my horrendous prior experiences with online dating/men that are clouding my judgement. These are as follows:

One of the first times I went to his house there were some photos of his ex on one of the sides. Not outwardly displayed but I picked them up and flicked through until I realised who they were of... quite an awkward moment and he has since got rid of them as I haven't seen them since going over again. I also noticed there is a card on one of his shelves addressed to both of them which is still there (he likely doesn't even realise it is there?)

He told me that after him and his ex broke up (2 years ago) they were still seeing each other/sleeping together for quite some time.

He went away over the weekend, which is fine but we had plans for Sunday evening... he messaged me Sunday evening asking if I still wanted to come over (this was at about 7pm so too late by that point, which we both agreed), but he didn't apologise or rearrange for another evening.

Am I being nit-picky and unreasonable? Or are these genuine red flags?

OP posts:

TheFifthKey · 28/08/2017 21:28

I'm picky and I don't think these things would bother me much. Well, I'd feel wary about the ex situation and maybe have my antennae up but actually I don't think having a photo and card up is that much of a big deal - it is true that men don't notice things like this so much and it's very possible it's just always been there and he never really gave it much of a thought.

The Sunday evening date thing - I don't know. It would annoy me because I hate plans getting changed, but equally I wouldn't see 7pm as too late. So maybe he felt like you weren't up for it and didn't want to make plans then in case he got blown off by you? I think that's possible. I'd contact again soon to ask when you were rearranging for and gauge the level of interest from there.

c3pu · 28/08/2017 21:32

Does he have kids with his ex?

I've got plenty of photos of my boys mum in the house (though not on display in the "communal" areas, only in the kids bedrooms).

I wouldn't see it as a massive red flag, depending on the circumstances. If he's cleared them away then I'd see how it goes.

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:34

c3pu No he doesn't have children with his ex. It was photos of them on holiday. And to be fair I haven't seen them since...

OP posts:

dangerrabbit · 28/08/2017 21:35

How long were they together?

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:37

dangerrabbit They were together for a long while, 7 years...

OP posts:

Tilapia · 28/08/2017 21:37

Not red flags as such but I would be a little bit wary about the ex.

Happytobefree17 · 28/08/2017 21:39

The photo thing sounds as if he realised you'd seen them and took them down which is a good sign.

The Sunday date is not so good though. Although it depends on how firm the plans were in the first place.

Anecdoche · 28/08/2017 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:42

Happytobefree17 The plans for Sunday were quite casual, brought up in conversation but we still agreed to them. He didn't mention the plan for Sunday again until that evening around 7pm, by which point it was too late (he wasn't even back from his weekend away yet)

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ChickenBhuna · 28/08/2017 21:42

They broke up two years ago but when did they stop sleeping together?

The stuff with the ex would worry me. I'd wonder if he's moved on from her properly.

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:44

ChickenBhuna Do you think it is worth having a discussion about this or do you think it is a little needy at only 2 months in (that's how I feel). I have been slightly cooling things off by not replying immediately to text messages (or at all), not always arranging the dates and so far he has always sought out contact with me...

OP posts:

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:46

Its worth mentioning that we did have a brief conversation about each others exes and I asked if he was still in contact with his ex/ if he knew if she had moved on... he said they didn't talk anymore.

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chrysantheminion · 28/08/2017 21:46

I've realised I have. Wouldn't occur to me to remove them as I have a child who's fathered by ex H and he's in family photos.

I would possibly move them to child's bedroom if we were moving in together but not after 2 months no.

Not having DC makes it slightly more wierd but 7 years is a long time

Garliccalamari · 28/08/2017 21:48

I have lots of holiday photo's if my ex and I would happily show them to anyone because we had some nice holidays. DH has holiday photo's of him and his ex as well that I have seen. They just were people that used to be a part if our lives and not a problem.

If he is not seeing ex snymore I would let it go. We all have a past, we don't need to pretend it never happened. As long as it's not in display and stays in the past it's fine.

ChickenBhuna · 28/08/2017 21:49

Thing is redflagconfused , I always seem to be in the minority on here but I think a person should answer a direct question regardless of how long you've been seeing them. So I would ask him when he actually stopped seeing his ex and then re-evaluate when I had my answer.

As I said a lot of people will disagree but I think a person has a right to know where they stand. It's saves you wasting your time.

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:49

chrysantheminion I think it was more the fact that they were on the side as if they had been looked at recently. The only explanation I can think of is that maybe they were displayed around the house and he took them down as he knew that I was coming over, but forgot to hide them completely? I haven't seen them since so he's obviously put them out of sight.

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ComtesseDeSpair · 28/08/2017 21:50

I don't think the photos are a red flag. I'm still good friends with several of my exs, as well as having things like cards given to me by them hanging around if those cards meant something (I don't have photos up but only because I don't have any photos of anyone on display in my home.) The way I see it, I'm not going to pretend that years of my life didn't happen and blank out people who remain important to me in case a new partner is threatened by my having a past. I do recognise that it's tricky though, and I understand that some new partners would have an issue with it.

The Sunday night would irritate me a bit but only because I like to be able to know what I'm doing and make alternative plans if necessary. I'd be happy with a text earlier in the day saying that he wouldn't be free until 7pm but would feel like an afterthought if I didn't receive one until 6pm.

If you like him then communication is king here. Tell him that you feel insecure about his photos (although do acknowledge that the insecurities are yours to own and not necessarily his responsibility to placate) and that you prefer some advance notice of when you'll be meeting up: some people are easygoing about last minute plans and you just need to make it clear you're not one of them.

Brahms3rdracket · 28/08/2017 21:50

My DP had a couple of pictures on his wall of his ex from a year prior to getting together with me. He had quite a few pictures of a number of people and explained when I brought it up much later on that he didn't think much of it, she was part of his past, as all the other pp in the photos are and it wasn't because he pined for her still. That was 23 years ago and I still tease him about dtd for the first time with his ex staring down.

I don't think there are any red flags here tbh.

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 21:55

Perhaps I am looking for red flags where there aren't any... aside from the things mentioned in my first post he seems too good to be true...

OP posts:

Happytobefree17 · 28/08/2017 21:59

I think 2 months in, this is the point where you need to be clear about boundaries in an amicable and mature way.

Comtesse makes some excellent points about communication being key.

Original poster

Redflagconfused · 28/08/2017 22:03

ComtesseDeSpair We were texting one another throughout the day and we talked about what he was up to, how I was doing and what I was up to... I didn't mention our plans for Sunday either, I was waiting to see if he brought it up as he was the one away.

Part of me wonders if he was waiting for me to bring it up. God I hate these early months of dating and all of the uncertainties!

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LesisMiserable · 28/08/2017 22:07

I dont think either is really a problem. Sunday was totally in your hands. If you had other stuff you could have gone and done, next time go and do it and don't wait to hear and if you're just sat in the house anyway, what have you lost? Nothing really. Be careful not to extrapolate a man being human into him being an arsehole. I can't see he's done anything wrong. Unless he gets the arse when you delay a text back /dont text him at all because legitimately I think you would if it was the other way round. Dont start down that road,relax, be glad that he's moved the photos when he saw it could bother you and that he's had a good weekend and why shouldnt he.

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