How do you learn to step back so others take more responsibility for themselves?

[CherryBlossomBlues]

Alternative title: How do you learn to step back and let incompetent people carry on being incompetent, meaning that they experience the effects of their own incompetence?

Say, someone who refuses to make an important phonecall, so you end up making it for them so that the negative outcome is averted.

Someone who won't make a start on a time-critical project; you can see it's going to finish too late otherwise so you give in and do it for them.

Every time I can see the crisis (their crisis!) coming, I step in and do what needs to be done to avert it. And every time I get very annoyed with myself afterwards, because how else will they learn to be more competent if they don't experience the negative effects of it?

On the other hand, the negative effects would affect not just that person, but me also. So if I don't do it, I will be impacted too. But then I'm torn between that and the fact that the person needs to learn their own lessons!

Any tips??

Is this your husband? If it's another competent adult then you should let them make their own mistakes and not try to do stuff for them.

It is DH and so yes, you would think he is a competent adult. But he refuses to do some things, puts other things off, and puts his head in the sand so often that I think have to step in to sort things out to stop the negative consequences from occurring.

Today I have really annoyed myself. I yet again stepped in regarding something that would have affected both of us had it not been done. DH said he was going to do it, but left it too late. I did it and am now chastising myself because should I have let him experience the consequences of it not getting done, even though that means it'd have affected us both financially?

In my experience these forms of passive aggression are a consequence of being totally mollycoddled as kids and young adults. Sounds like you took over the parenting role from his parents to me.

Well, yes, probably.

The question is how do I fix it?

Have you told him the impact of his behaviour?

He's the only one that can change. Your only other choice is not to step in just point it out and let the consequences happen. As you point out that impacts you too.

Behaviour is utterly ingrained. CBT can help change habits for example or if he is very mindful of the behaviour he can do something about it himself.

Shock tactic? Get him to marriage counselling?

Perhaps you could proactively create a situation where his inaction causes him grief, but not you, and let it play out.

Perhaps a trip away for his hobby, something like that.

Two other suggestions: set him up with time management tools (a course, some apps, a visible chalkboard timetable) then step away.

I would personally drag his butt to a counsellor with you, it could be eye-opening for him to hear how negatively his immaturity affects your respect for him, and your stress levels. Also to have another adult (the therapist) confirm that it is a legitimate problem, not just something you do in the marriage that he thinks is balanced by his own strengths and talents.

Best of luck.

You're going to have to let go and allow something to go completely pear shaped as a direct consequence of his inaction. Step back and tell him that he's an adult too and you're not in the business of enabling incompetence.
I take it he works? How does he manage in a work environment and yet doesn't in a domestic one? Very likely, his expectation is that you will pick up the slack because you always do and its become the default position in the relationship.
If you have children, you are teaching them a really negative lesson by allowing this situation to continue. I am seeing, through my work, young people in their late twenties/early thirties who have been brought up to expect mum to sort every little detail of their lives out and they are now utterly incompetent, socially inadequate, needy people.
It is very, very unattractive to witness. Some colleagues refer to them as precious snowflakes...
Get tough with him, lay down some ground rules and stick to them and resist the urge to intervene. Reading up on what's called 'Saviour Syndrome', might help too.

Could he have ADHD?

His work thinks he is amazing. He is dependable, creative and knowledgable.

He told me the other day something about him answering the phones at work... I was astonished because at home, he refuses to talk on the phone - he says he doesn't know what to say and gets in a visible panic - so I have to make all the calls (to utilities, shops, etc etc). And then to find out he's able to answer and route calls at work!! I was astonished.

I guess there is only one answer to this and that it IS to completely step back and let him juggle his own balls.

It starts today.

The more I think about this, the more annoyed I'm getting.

And yet also quite worried about how many things he will potentially cock up by not taking the initiative to do them.

cherry if he can be competent at work, he could be competent at home. He is choosing not to.

Very blunt question: can you continue loving him when you have to mother him?

Also ... have you got children? Because if you plan to have children with him in the future, you'll have 2 x the work when you have an incompetent husband. He is unlikely to suddenly step up and turn into a responsible life-partner, which means you'll probably have to handle the children yourself as well as nannying him.

I am reading with interest. My DH is perfectly competant in term time when I work 9am-8pm but in holidays can't even put his ducks in the wash. Genuinely shocked when it's pointed out. Spends hours on hobbies and watching tv with dcs. I challenge him and it means daily rows that upset dc. Fuckwits.

Well DH has decided he isn't speaking to me which is only strengthening my resolve

He doesn't sound that reliable tbh .... at least, not very good at being there when you -need- him. Running a household is the nuts-and-bolts of living; the flip side of the fun times.

Did his parents do everythign for him or something?