Feeling so low and powerless

[Blackbirdsinapie2017]

I've been in a relationship for 7 years. Been really unhappy for the last 4 and so terribly unhappy for the last 2. I frequently cry and feel suicidal although I'm not sure I would ever act on it.

My partner's not a terrible person but the power dynamics are completely off in our relationship. He earns and has far more money than me whilst my career is developing well but extremely unstable with work. I feel financially reliant on him and he uses his money to control and dictate what we/I do.

I realise now that he'd be better off with someone else and that with me this just isn't working. But to walk away would be to give up on everything I've worked for my whole life as I would need to be realistic and change industryand career.

I don't know what to. It won't get better. He thinks he's a lovely person but he's been so emotionally abusive and controlling and I feel like I've lost all my motivation and confidence. I just feel like giving up. He's used stuff that happened in my childhood to keep me with him and I don't have the strength anymore to remember who I was.

Nothing brings me joy anymore, none of the things I used to do. I feel completely bereft of any initiative and just what's the point of everything. I think what makes me so angry is that I just want him to understand what he's done and how he's behaved but he won't. Everyone thinks he's a great guy and maybe he is with someone else who would be more equal to him than me.

I'm also early 30s and I feel like I've thrown everything away now. I wouldn't even mind being single. I just feel that I have no enjoyment of life or nothing to live for anymore. How do I go about changing things?

Is it because you are feeling low that you think he'd be better off with someone else, or is it that you in your heart know it's you who'd be better off with someone else? You need to sort these things out by discussing with a trusted friend or relative, or counsellor. It's not all that important that he will understand this or that, the important is that you find a place where you feel comfortable with your life and what you do. If you want to leave, you will have to have somewhere to live, and something to earn money from. It could be moving in with a relative or friend, or take help from some aid organisation for women. You will also need to support yourself, but on the good side is that you don't need a high-paying job just a job (for now) that pays "enough" to get by. I hope some other users here may come up with ideas and advice. Also, think about what you used to enjoy and dream of when you were young. It's probably not too late to get started doing those things whatever they were.

Thank you. I think I have so much sadness because until a few years ago I was so motivated and worked really hard to get to where I am now. And now I feel just like I'm about to throw it all away because I can't see how I can leave and sustain my career - I don't the financial or emotional resilience anymore. And it's what I've wanted to do for a long time.

And in everything else I feel like I've just lost all my confidence and motivation.

Why would you need to change your career if you split up?

It doesn't matter if he understands what he's done to you (and it's been his choice, not an accident). What's important is that you can see what he's done, and the effect it's had upon you. Someone who's "used" events in your childhood to keep you with him is cruel and manipulative.

Of course your career is important, but your well being, mental health and self esteem come first. If you stay with this man you'll never recover your confidence and motivation - he'll make sure of that.

You need to a plan in place to leave. There's no point in trying to get him to understand how you feel, he won't get it.

However once you've decided to leave, you can certainly tell him why you're leaving and give examples.

It might be better put in a letter, to avoid interruptions and to get your point across.

No career, no plan is worth settling for the unhappiness you're describing.

Make a positive decision to leave, make a plan, do it. You'll look back in a year and wonder why you didn't do it years before. X

However once you've decided to leave, you can certainly tell him why you're leaving and give examples.

It might be better put in a letter, to avoid interruptions and to get your point across.

I did exactly this. I don't know if H understands either but I feel a sense of closure re. my reasons as I know that I have told him.

I too don't understand why leaving your partner means losing your career?

Thank you. I feel so worried and anxious and then I often just feel numb. My job career at the moment isn't very stable so although it's well paid the work is sporadic whilst I build up. It's also very stressful - both getting new work and doing the work when it comes. My partner has been emotionally very supportive and financially I rely on him when I am not working. I feel like this is trapping me within the relationship and he knows it.

Is there any way you could get a (part time?) job that is more stable and could provide a steady and reliable income? Surely that career isn't worth being constantly unhappy and even suicidal?

When you are in an abusive relationship your self esteem plummets to the point where you lose a lot of self belief.
This man is making you ill.

I do not think you worked your whole life to live in such misery with this abusive man.
You are still young and need to get yourself out of there.
I walked out with nothing and never looked back.
You are stronger than you think and your career will right itself when you get rid of the stress that this man causes you every day.

You're right. The thing is I feel he is very kind to me and has tried but I cannot let go of stuff that has been done. In every other way we get on and he's my best friend but I can't let go of some stuff that has happened even though he is changing now. I'm thinking of going for counselling to help me let go. The anger and bitterness is eating me up and destroying all pleasure and motivation I have for anything. I don't know whether to speak to someone and try and save what I think would be/was a fantastic relationship or just to move on and all the risk and hardship that will bring.

counselling sounds like a great idea. sometimes it's hard to let go of things and you need to work out if you are able to do that.

I couldn't, and it took me a long time to realise that holding onto the bitterness so very damaging for all involved.

Leaving is hard, but it's also a brave a courageous step, with lots of ups and downs. you need to think about the long term implications.

Lots of people don't leave because of fear, but in the end it always gets you one way or the other, at least if you think of the future you know it can get better

go
leave
please look after yourself
been through this
know how hard it is

make a clean break
new job maybe
list all your positives
I would highly recommend psychotherapy it has helped me a lot
very best of luck
lots of great advice on here

Please speak to Womens Aid.
0808 2000 247
He's pushed you down so far you can't find your way up again.
They can help you with local support services.
And please do their Freedom Programme.
You are being financially and emotionally abused. They can help you see that.
Posting was no doubt a big step for you.
Now make that call.
They are busy so keep trying.