Falling apart

[meltdownsanonymous]

Hi MN
Not sure if I'm after a hand hold, a rant or what but feel like I am falling apart. I am not coping and the only thing that's keeping me going is my 4 year old. We have such a solid awesome relationship & she is great. However, right now I feel constantly exhausted & on edge.
I was made redundant earlier this year and am unable to get a new job (haven't applied for many as my self esteem and confidence is in bits but have had two interviews and wasn't successful)
I'm a single mum and have been trying to get DDs dad to be more consistent all that time but he hasn't been & I have done pretty much everything solo while juggling stressful jobs.
This morning my daughter was singing a song and when I listened she was singing 'mummy is horrible'
I absolutely broke down and couldn't stop crying. I spoke to her about it while crying and told her how upset I was as I do everything for her and love her very much. She said she didn't mean it and started crying.
I have always been diplomatic about her dad's inconsistency but then blurted out that I have done all I can to get him to be more involved .... Yeah, dealt with it all really badly but was so upset at the time.
I have some time to myself but limited support. Great friends who mostly have their own kids to look after & their own shit going on.
Just feel so useless.

Well, it wasn't the best way to handle things but you're only human, we all make mistakes and it won't do your daughter any harm to realise that what she said wasn't nice.
In your shoes, I'd stop putting effort into trying to get your ex to do the right thing. It's just going to give you extra stress.
Concentrate on getting your career back on track as I feel sure that would help you all round (money, self esteem, structure to your week, adult company at work etc.)
Did you get any feedback from the previous interviews? Is there any extra training you could do?

Thanks shiver
I'm just completing a job app at the moment. Agree I need to get my routine back.
I gave up on DD's dad a while back. He's not committed and basically admitted his new partner is a priority over DD.
I feel burned out & like the most useless person ever. I hope this changes soon. It's horrible.
I was so much more strong and confident a few weeks back.

Well he sounds like a right knob!

It's really easy to get bogged down with things when you are single parenting
It's hard and your confidence can take some knocking. Be extra nice to yourself and keep reminding yourself that you're doing a great job.
How's the job app going?

It's going ok thanks Shiver
Yes he is a nob
He rears his head and shatters my confidence every few weeks.
He doesn't give a monkeys about her. So sad. I'm so exhausted I feel like I'm becoming the worst parent ever and it's so unfair on her.
Gonna SHINE tomorrow to make up for this morning's meltdown.

You are doing ok really you are
I'm in similar position and shout at my kids so much then regret it - I wanted to be a totally different parent than I've turned out to be
Getting a job as a single parent is near impossible - it's not your fault.
One day at a time things will get easier

Don't be hard on yourself. You've had to accept a difficult truth - that you can't co-parent with your ex as he's not interested, and that he's unlikely to be a significant part of your dd's life. But she has you, and that will be enough.

You sound organised, resourceful, fair minded - but sometimes none of that is enough when it all gets too much. I don't think there's anything wrong with being truthful with a child, as long as it's in an age appropriate way. Imagine if you were always positive and upbeat about her dad in total contradiction to her actual experience of him as a parent. What would that teach her about relationships and people's behaviour?

Everyone's allowed to cry and express how they feel. You're going through a tough time, so why shouldn't you be allowed to? You can't be strong 24 hours a day, let yourself off the hook a bit.

Thank you apples & Dusters
Finished job app (not the best one ever but let's see what happens) and got some sleep.
I'm going to try and be calmer and happier today.
Your words mean a lot.
I was genuinely in a bad place yesterday. Thank you.