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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

New relationship after long marriage

6 replies

estuaryblue · 28/08/2017 17:47

I feel ridiculous writing this, but as it's a first relationship after leaving a long, abusive marriage, I need help please to make sense of what's going on.
Met my boyfriend online 3 1/2 months ago. He's been divorced 5 years, much longer than me. We both have DC. I fell for him early on and when he said, 2 weeks ago, that he was falling in love with me, I was quick to jump in and tell him I loved him. And I do. But l don't think he was quite there in his feelings and when he reciprocated (and has done since, he never says it first) it feels like he's saying it because he should.
Yesterday we were both a bit drunk and I stupidly asked him if he loved me as much as I loved him. He said "I know you love me, I'm well aware of it, but it's a difficult question for me to answer" and then went back over how hurt he was by his marriage breakup and how he no longer believes in finding a partner for life.
However in our (otherwise sober) life, he has introduced me to everyone in his world, talked about a future, and is physically very loving.
I on the other hand haven't introduced him to anyone or integrated any part of my life with his, out of fear of being pinned down. And yet I love this man.
However we only see each other once a week, usually late Saturday to Sunday morning, because of childcare commitments, which doesn't feel like much. We text in between and never talk, which I don't mind, however texts are far fewer since "love" came up.
Are we just two commitment phones or am I back in the position I was in when I was married - of loving someone who couldn't or wouldn't love me back?

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 28/08/2017 17:53

Slow down. Stand back. Take a breath. Stop pressuring him.

You met only 3.5 months ago and you meet only once a week yet you're swearing undying love? What about your children? Where do they figure in this? Have they even met yet?

You are going way, way, way too fast.

estuaryblue · 28/08/2017 17:58

Yes, I get that and it's why I feel reluctant to have him meet the children or anyone in my life, but to be fair I think he's gone pretty fast too.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/08/2017 18:05

Consider also what you learnt about relationships to date and when growing up. You may well be repeating the same old.

You barely know this man and you've mainly had an online relationship with him to date. You have built up a fantasy image of him in your head as well as he has with you. Its all way too much too soon for both of you. You barely know each other and that cannot be stressed enough. Why are you two in such a rush?.

Your boundaries in relationships are skewed anyway because of the abusive marriage that you have now left. The fact that you state you love him suggests an awful lot to the effect that your boundaries are still very much off beam. Counselling for your own self before embarking on another relationship at all would be helpful for you and in turn your children.

Your energies would be far better employed by enrolling on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid. You need to work out who you really are and what you want from life; this man won't help you with that process.

estuaryblue · 28/08/2017 18:20

Thank you Attila. I've had some counselling and done several things to improve mine and my children's life and self worth. I guess I just hoped for the happy relationship part of it too. And he is so kind to me. But I can see I'm being needy and foolish.

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 28/08/2017 18:36

Don't beat yourself up OP. Naive and hopeful is kinder than needy and foolish...

From my perspective I don't think you can truly love someone until you've seen them in all kinds of situations, eg when children are being a pain, when finances need managing, when you're hot, tired and fed up, when you're having an argument etc etc.

Online dating is a completely false environment in which to fall in love. Yes, it can absolutely lead to a proper relationship but you are just not there yet.

TheNaze73 · 28/08/2017 19:58

If anyone told me they loved me after 3 months, I'd be doing the Frank Bough. That'd scare the shit out of most people

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