BF died before I got to meet him.

[Flash42]

I was told at the age of 30 that the person who I believed was my BF wasn't. My full birth certificate states the BF as being unknown and my mum wasn't prepared to talk about it. My nan has since told me the name of my BF and the fact that he had died fairly young. With the aid of technology, ancestry sites and Facebook, I've managed to find a photo of my dead BF and the fact that I have a half sister and three half brothers. I'm not sure if I want to open this can of worms and am not sure how I would be received, given that I have no evidence that he was my BF! But he did die young and it could be something genetic that I should watch out for in me and my two girls. Is this a Pandora's box? Would you open it?

I didn't want to read and run. Don't have much knowledge but I have a couple of friends who have come into contact with half siblings later in life and it has been emotional but ultimately very rewarding in many different ways. Only you can answer this question. What do you feel in your heart? I think in your shoes I would want to know more but we are all different.

I would open that Pandora's box as I'd be very curious. Having said that, give yourself some time to think it through and decide whether it'd be the right decision for you.

I think it depends on the circumstances. Were you born before the others? Is it before he got married? Or were you conceived as the result of an affair. If so, it might be more difficult for them to accept you.

There's obviously a reason your mum didn't want to tell you. Have you ascertained her reason?

Think this through very careful. Ask yourself what you hope to achieve, and how it would affect you if didn't pan out how you want.

I'd try to get the truth from your mum first. Fake calmness. ie, if the reason she's held back from telling you about him is because he assualted her then you won't get the truth if you're ''too eager'' for it. I suppose if you approach it with certain knowledge communicated well to your Mother that you realise that the truth could be unpalatable then she might open up this time. Good luck.

Could you see any resemblance between your self and the bio father?

My DF had a sibling get in touch when he was in his 60's. Slightly different circumstances but still a bit of a shock. The family welcomed them in and we're all still in touch.

You don't know what you're going to get until you try...if you try...

Big decision but unless you try then you will never know. If they don't want to know you then you can just walk away. Sounds so easy when reality I can imagine it's anything but.

My half sister would have been two when I was born and the three boys are younger. I think that I was the result of an affair but having said that my BF wasn't married at the time. Not sure my mum can handle me asking questions now.

Not sure my mum can handle me asking questions now.

Then, no.

Unless you are absolutely sure, and that would have to come from your mum, you should leave it alone.

I opened my Pandora's box. It was my BM that had died in her early 50's leaving a half Sister and Brother.
That Pandora's box got slammed closed very shortly afterwards.

Proceed if you must but with caution

I wouldn't get invloved. You may be related but these people aren't your family. They may be decent people but then again they may not. Why take the risk?

I was in a not dissimilar situation. My dad died when I was young. Was married to someone else- not my mum and after she passed away 4 years ago I did some research and found I have a half brother who is much older than me and my sister. I also searched for his wife and she died 12 years ago.

I found an address but it was probably out of date. Wrote a letter and posted it through (by hand) but never heard anything back. I've accepted this though.

If you only want reassurances regarding genetic/health issues then order his death certificate and see what his cause of death was. If it was a genetic medical issue then you can speak with your gp about how at risk you are.

If you may want to meet your relatives then obviously you may want to write to them. Perhaps consider getting a solicitor to write on your behalf and state you are not looking for any legal claim on your BF estate. They can then choose to reply or not and they wont have your address to start objecting to should they take the news badly.

Good luck

Good luck op - you are describing my own situation very closely except that I found out last year that he wasn't in fact dead at all after believing that for the best part of twenty years. I'm still not sure whether or not to pursue it. Just that news alone pretty much sent me into a breakdown...

You don't even know that this man is your biological father , until you know that I don't see what you are going to do . My dad died quite young from a heart attack , if someone contacted me and said they wanted to be DNA tested to see if we were related I'm afraid I would be very unsympathetic. We have a very similar situation in our family and thus far it has remained secret and those of us that know about it will be endeavouring to keep it so .

Thank you to all who have responded. I'm not interested in extending my family or seeking any DNA testing. I certainly don't want to upset any families or hurt anyone undeserving. All I'm going to do is order the death certificate to see the cause of death and then burn it to let it go. If mum ever wants to open up about it, I will listen. I do feel some responsibility for this secret raising it's ugly head- I needed my full birth certificate when I got married abroad- then mum felt that she had to tell me that my dad wasn't my BF- I still don't understand why because all I saw was unknown and had thought that because I was born before they married it was frowned apon so they couldn't disclose the fathers name- she could have taken it to the grave! My nan can rest knowing that she was able to tell me something.... she gave me his name, the fact that he had died and that he had seen me as a teenager but was scared to talk to me at the time. Whatever happened is in the past and I'm likely to never know and am happy to move on and concentrate on enjoying my life with my children who make me smile every single day.

Wise decision Flash42

Try not to be on your own when you open the certificate, it can be very upsetting even though it isn't a person you 'know' as such.

We have had someone come into our family recently. I think she always knew about her dad though but he died when she was young. She has been wanting to find his family for years but was very nervous about it, understandably. Some of us knew she existed but didn't know full name or where to find her.

She found us recently and we are all over the moon. She was her dad's only child and he died young so it's been amazing to have her contact his family. It's not always a bad thing to find long lost family. I had no contact with my maternal family until I was 10 and that person was overjoyed when contact was finally made, as were all the other relatives I was later introduced to.