Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

FIL has dementia, DH wants him to move in with us, feel trapped...

50 replies

lizbet316 · 01/04/2007 19:09

feel I can't tell DH that couldn't cope with having FIL here as I would put him in the position of having to choose between his father and me.
I know on a practical level that I just can't cope - DH has Multiple Sclerosis and although is ok at the moment has been very very ill and with relapses is likely to be again in the future. I found it hard enough trying to hold down a job, care for DH and look after DS (2.5yrs). FIL is at the stage where he couldn't be left alone so one of us would have to give up work and DS would have to leave nursery- but then DS would be stuck in house all day cos can't leave FIL.
I just know I can't cope - DH says "we'll manage" but like many men (sorry if bit sexist)he has never actually cared for anyone else and doesn't realise just how difficult it is - he's also never done 24 hours on his own with DS. I feel like DSs life would be ruined (kinda given up on my life already) but if FIL came here I know I would leave.
Please please does anyone have any advice? I feel so trapped. Whatever I do my marriage will suffer

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 01/04/2007 20:19

Spot on, salty! I worked in a hospice, and the dementia patients required way more care than ANY of the other maladies afflicting patients, including the COPD and cancer people. In fact, they wouldn't take many of them on because they simply didn't have the staff needed to care for dementia patients.

Sadly, as people live longer, it's becoming more common .

colditz · 01/04/2007 20:20

Listen to all the ex-carers, lizbet, we know how it can be. I was regularly battered by the sweetest little old lady - she used to draw blood. she was lovely - just very violent.

twocatsonthebed · 01/04/2007 20:20

I remembered that piece from the Guardian too.

this is it I think

Original poster

lizbet316 · 01/04/2007 20:21

sorry forgot to say why he might move in with us - he lives several hundred miles away with his long term girlfriend in her house. He has always been registered with a doctor down here with us (another very long story) and girlfriend has made it clear that she won't be able ("willing" in my opinion) to look after him forever as it's DH's responsibility really. There are no other siblings or family who can help so FIL will therefore be homeless.
DH plan is to do nothing until he gets here and then asks Social Services for help - I am worried that once he's with us Social Services will say that he's got a home and then refuse to do anything.

OP posts:

Boysboysboys · 01/04/2007 20:22

My DP's cousin (and family) have lived with her parents for years. She is absolutley lovely, really friendly, kind, works as a carer. Her dad (very active, sporty, footballer) has dementia, and her words to us: "don't ever live with your parents, its heartbreaking and too hard).

colditz · 01/04/2007 20:23

They won't lizbet, make it clear you cannot do it and it is a child protection matter. I have always found SS ok with elderly people, but maybe that's just my area

colditz · 01/04/2007 20:24

TBH as your DH isn't the one going to be doing the work, he should butt out of organising the rest of your life

colditz · 01/04/2007 20:24

Go to see SS now, and speak to them.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2007 20:26

I'd get in contact w/SS tomorrow, if I were you.

One of my work colleagues is dealing with this now, and as he is already working w/SS, his dad will go directly into care when he comes up from Manchester.

My work colleague is almost 60 years old himself with an 11-year-old son and really not able to care for his dad at home.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2007 20:27

Snap, cold!

That way, he won't be moved until there's a place for him in a home.

It's not been too long a wait for my work colleague, about a month, for his dad to get a place.

colditz · 01/04/2007 20:28

A good plan would be to go and see the manager of your local residential home, and talk to them. most are very helpful.

expatinscotland · 01/04/2007 20:28

I'd also go and talk to your GP, lizbet, about your feelings. I really would.

JanH · 01/04/2007 20:30

I used to know someone who regularly had to visit her FIL, who had some form of dementia - he used to speak and behave violently and her son, who was a bit older than yours when I knew them, was definitely affected by being around him (he used to talk about stabbing people, aged about 5 )

If for nobody else, IMO you must refuse to do it for your DS - your FIL needs to be somewhere dedicated to looking after people like him.

colditz · 01/04/2007 20:30

You do know, you just cannot look after him and your son at the same time, don't you? Guilt and duty doesn't even come into it. It just cannot be done. You won't be able to even take your ds to nursery, the park, shopping, parties... anything, really.

And this might go on for years. He might still be mobile in 5 years time! He might be bedridden for 3 years after that.

FrannyandZooey · 01/04/2007 20:34

Nononononononononononononononononononono

this can't happen

I feel dreadfully sad for you all but FIL moving in is not the answer.

Apart from anything else I am close to two people who as children had relatives with dementia living in their house. Can't think of a less dramatic phrase but they are both scarred by the experience. So sorry for you

onlyjoking9329 · 01/04/2007 20:35

i think you would be being unreasonable to say yes. it would be unreasonable for all of you, it is bloody hard work being a carer 24/7.
i am a full time carer for my DH who is really poorly and 3 kids with autism, but i get extra help 8 hours a month. i don't know how much help you would get.

BettySpaghetti · 01/04/2007 20:35

twocatsonthebed -Yes! Thats the article. I haven't re-read it yet but I remember it as covering the hearache, tears, sheer hardwork and frustration.

At the same time there were bits that made you smile, although you realised that if you were the carer those smiles would be few and far between when faced with these situations day in, day out.

I'll go and read it again now to see if its as I rememeber it.

themoon66 · 01/04/2007 20:40

My demented grandmother lived with us when I was a kid. I was about 10 when she moved in and she was still there when I did O-levels at 16. It was awful. I couldn't ever have a friend round, not once in all those years. She would wee in a bucket and bring it into the kitchen and throw it down the sink. Stuff like that all the time. She urinated all over the carpets and the house stank.

She used to hit my little sister, aged 8, over the head with her stick. Awful.

It clouded my teenage years. I go cold remembering it. Horrible

Don't do it to your DS.

emkana · 01/04/2007 20:42

themoon66, that's just terrible, poor you

Blandmum · 01/04/2007 20:43

Think very long and hard about this, and demand that your dh looks into the detail of the support that your DFIL will need.

If it isn't the case now, the time will come when he needs constant support 24/7/365

You must look into this stuff and plan for it before you need it, as it is almost impossible to sort ofut at the last minute unless you are quite rich and/or have lots of family to support you

expatinscotland · 01/04/2007 21:09

MB
Her husband also has MS.

It's completely impossible for them to look after the FIL.

Blandmum · 02/04/2007 09:38

totaly agree.

But her dh has to see that this is the case, or else it could potentialy cuase problems later on.

Looking at the practicalities of the situation will make him see this, and will make it easier to accept the final course of action.

hunkermunker · 02/04/2007 13:48

Lizbet, have you had a chance to talk to DH yet?

It seems he's not facing up to what this will actually mean. I wonder, if your FIL's long-term girlfriend is unwilling to keep caring for him, maybe he's worse than you know already? I wouldn't be too hard on her - it's not an easy situation for anyone to be in. Dementia is a horrible, evil thing

Talk to SS. Get your DH to read some of the posts on here from people who have direct experience caring for people with dementia.

Original poster

lizbet316 · 04/04/2007 19:18

Thanks everyone for your messages and advice - sorry not replied - was struck down with D&V bug - which just brought home to me even more that we cannot do this!
The problem is that DH doesn't know much about Dementia and won't look into it - if I tell him what may happen it'll seem like I'm saying it for my own gain. I will do as suggested and talk to the GP who is v good and has already warned DH that given our family situation he has major concerns about FIL living here.
The CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) is coming to do an assessment in 3 weeks time so we'll have better idea then what's happening.
Thanks again for all messages - it's a real help bless you all

OP posts:

lapsedrunner · 04/04/2007 19:36

Do not do it, in my opinion you have to take a slightly detached view to this to come through it all still sane .

My experience relates to my sister having to take the burden of looking after our Mother who has Alzheimers. We live abroad and it was clear after my father died that my mother's mental state was deteriorating. She still lived alone (but about 2 miles from my sister)but the burden of care on my sister beacame unbearable. I used to fly over with ds and "house sit" for my sister in order to "care" for our mother, with SS support, to allow my sister and her dh to have a holiday. To cut a long story short my mother remained in her own home with SS support but then reached the "required" mental state to be considered for residential care. It sounds harsh but her move into residential care was the best thing that could of happened for all concerned.

Good luck and be strong, you cannot cope with DH and FIL.

Flip

1 2