Living together but separated

[ItsABitPersonal]

H and are going to separate. one of us will move into the spare room as we'll have to live together until we can sell the house.

I'd be really grateful for some advice from any one who has done this, as I can see it getting really awkward.

Obviously I will not be doing his washing any more. 4 days per week the kids get fed at childcare, so those days I will just cook for myself. on the remaining 3 days I was thinking of saying that if H wants to eat with me and the kids he's welcome, but don't know if that will be too confusing.

Also, we currently put money into a joint account for household expenses and food which I think we should still do until the house is sold. If H is feeding himself 4 days per week he could legitimately reduce the amount he puts in. if he raises it I'm thinking of suggesting a £30 per week reduction (our food bill is £120 per week).

We haven't really talked about child custody arrangements, but I'm going to suggest EOW and 1 midweek overnight. (DC are 3 and 7). Obviously we can't play happy families at the weekends, so if H is going to spend any time with the kids while we're sharing a house we'll need to work out how to do that.

I'm aware that this is all displacement activity, but while I'm planning I'm not having to think about how I feel. It can hit me like a ton of bricks when the DC are in bed.

My now husband did this when him and his ex split up, probably for about four ish months.

Their DC was six at the time and it was a bit confusing for him at first as mummy and daddy weren't together but lived together but never did anything together.

I think you need to work out will you still have "family" time, as even though you are separated you can still do this. It's whether you both want to really.

What will you do if one of you, or both of you meets someone else?

My now husband and I got together a few months after they split up whilst he was still living at the family home. This is something you do need to think about, his ex knew he was going out to meet someone which caused tension and arguments.

Living arrangements wise, will the anticpation be that the other person goes out in the evening if it's not "their" evening with the children? the weekends how will you split it at home?
I think that it would be confusing for the children if their dad is there why he wouldn't be eating with you, and where would he go whilst you are eating?
Animosity can grow quite easily so make sure you clear all these up first.

Do the children know? How amicable is th3 split?

Depending on the circumstances each of you will be in different emotional stages and this is what causes the issues.Its not easy living together even if you have rules if one of you is unaccepting of the split.

I did this for about 3 months. Here's how I found it:

Pros

• It was OK - in a way it was more flexible than living apart, and we would clearly decide who's days were whose etc.
• The kids barely noticed.
• It was a good interim step

-Saved lots of money

The cons

-It was really hard to split up chores and we ended up eating together anyway

• We didn't get the chance to 'mourn' the relationship and get space to process things
• It was weird going out and not really talking about where
• It was hard when they wouldn't go out on your night 'in'

Hope that helps!

thanks for the responses everyone, especially yellowAardvark as it's really helpful to hear from someone who has done it.

The kids don't know yet. Split is fairly amicable at the moment, BUT we haven't started talking about splitting assets yet and I suspect it will get difficult then. I doubt H will be happy about anything other than a 50/50 split, but I can't accept that as I won't be able to stay in the DC school catchment area and that's important to me.

Have you thought about nesting, its? It can work I think although there are mixed views of it online

I don't know what nesting is! a quick google has left me none the wiser too - could you explain?

It's when the kids stay in one house and the adults come and go and live in share houses/or a studio type bedsit or some such. It can be hard to manage as you have to get on but it means the children never move, you can keep the house. But I don't know how it can work long term though.