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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Have No Clue What To Do...

11 replies

dfjacq · 28/08/2017 04:28

Husband (I will not call him DH) and I live abroad due to his work. He has mentally abused me for 12 years (what to wear ie no trousers, no underwear) but after many times of moving back to England and returning to said country during his times of crisis because I still loved and missed him (redundant 3 times), I have had enough and he wants me out.

I had a bloody good job 6 years ago but quit because my stress levels (and with him) were getting too much. Yes, there was a strong bond between us (god knows why). I did everything for him but cannot get on with his children (26, 24, 23) who consistently ignore him and for that, I never forgave them and he blames me.

He is very wealthy but refuses me any money to go back to UK (except flight) to resettle. I can go back into a job (care work) and I do have a claim on our house in London but it is tenanted.

I literally have no clue where to go and feeling very emotional - I just cannot believe that he would do this to me.

OP posts:
JellyMouldJnr · 28/08/2017 04:41

Can you contact women's aid for advice? It certainly sounds like a negative relationship.

AcrossthePond55 · 28/08/2017 04:49

So you are not in the UK at the present time? You don't have to say where you are, but are you in a country where you will be able to find fair legal representation? If so, I'd start by seeing a solicitor/lawyer and go from there.

If you are in a country where you will not get fair legal representation then you're better off taking the airfare money and going back to the UK. Once there, you can pursue legal separation/divorce and start eviction proceedings on your tenants so you can move back into the London home.

Are there any joint bank accounts that you have access to either here or in the UK? Do you have friends or family that can offer you temporary refuge until you get things straightened out?

Original poster
dfjacq · 28/08/2017 05:04

Unfortunately, my parents, who live in the UK currently look after my DDs (from a previous marriage) and rely on current DHs money (he offered to pay for them as treating them as his own). I live in a country that does not support expatriate wives. I have no money - literally as not working at all and no savings to pay a lawyer. All of my husbands money is offshore - - only the house in London that I have a claim to by the Matrimonial Law and that will take 2-3 months to get them out - thats if they will as reading nightmare stories of landlords having severe difficulties.

OP posts:
Original poster
dfjacq · 28/08/2017 05:05

I would have to get a live in carer job as no space at my parents house.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/08/2017 05:12

Then it sounds to me as if you need to cut your losses and just leave. He won't voluntarily give you any money and you can't get it from him through the legal system. What type of work did you do before you met this man? Can you return to that type of work even if only temporarily? What did you do the other times you left and came back to the UK?

Define 'no space'. I'd happily let one of mine sleep on my floor if she were in your position. And in your position I'd accept that offer!

Original poster
dfjacq · 28/08/2017 05:26

I was in care work as previously mentioned. I can always get a role back there wherever in the country - I am not fussed whatever - just to earn money for my children and obviously my keep.

I can pursue the sell of the house apparently through the UK courts but that will take time.

No space means a four bedroomed house - my 2 DCs (who are living in the UK for education purposes) plus my brother/wife/2 children. My brother I do not get on with whatsoever due to previous problems.

OP posts:
SonicBoomBoom · 28/08/2017 05:32

What ages are your DC?

I think you need to just go back to the UK.

I'd gather as much information and proof of these offshore accounts as possible before you do.

WillowWeeping · 28/08/2017 06:03

How old are your DC? Are you going to need to support them financially?

lampshady · 28/08/2017 06:38

Where did you stay when visiting your children while you lived abroad? Is there any chance you could repeat that until your first wage? Or could your parents lend you money for a deposit and month's rent out of the money your husband pays?

It might be best to leave and deal with the details when the fog has cleared.

Original poster
dfjacq · 28/08/2017 14:26

The good thing is I am working on a solution for me and DCs!!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 28/08/2017 14:37

The thing is, if you are that miserable (and it sounds as if you are) then I think I'd choose to live in the same house with my brother and just bite my tongue until I got situated, even if it took a few months. I'd sleep on the floor in my children's room. Hell, I'd sleep in a car on the driveway before I'd stay in an unhappy marriage (been there, done that!).

I realize it's a choice between the devil (husband) and the deep blue sea (brother), but in your situation I'd choose the deep blue sea. At least you'd be 'home' and able to better your situation. As it stands, staying where you are means staying miserable. In the UK, at least the misery would only last until you found a job.

What other realistic alternative do you have? To stay where you are for the rest of your life? No one is going to drop £££ from the sky to enable you to comfortably leave and set yourself and DC up elsewhere. You're going to have to be uncomfortable for a time but it will be worth it in the end.

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