Urgent advice needed

[user1498726699]

Really want others perspectives before I do something I might regret!

As briefly as possible: NC mother finally responded to my request for contact last month after 4 years. She wanted to meet straight away but I couldn't handle it (very surprised she responded as expected her not to) so I suggested we spoke on the phone first. Gave my number over email (not allowed hers) 4 weeks ago asking her to phone before we went on holiday but she said she didn't see it and would call when we got back. Got back 3 days ago and she finally emailed me today saying she would call at a set time this eve.

I psyched myself all evening but she called early and as my phone only rings a few times, I couldn't get to it before it rung off as was outside chain-smoking. She had withheld her number so could not call back. A minute later I got an email saying she'd tried and was going out so would try again tomorrow.

Can't understand why she wouldn't try again or would arrange to go out at the time she had arranged to speak to her daughter for the first time in 4 years, or even waited a month when she had my number!

The NC has devastated me as it includes entire family (7 sibs) and I didn't want my DC to have a blank on a whole side of the family like I did on my father's side when my parents divorced. That is the main reason I kept trying for contact which was ignored until I sent a message begging forgiveness for upsetting my mum for bringing up child abuse.

I know I shouldn't have looked back when she cut me off but oldest DC has often been upset that my family are no longer in her life.

I am now tempted to email telling my mother to GFH as she is obviously not bothered about being in contact and it is making me feel like shit again that I am so unimportant to her and my siblings. My head is telling me to see it out and fake it as adult DD wants to see her grandmother again. If I say how I really feel my mother will likely refuse to meet her.

So do I belittle myself for my DC sake of knowing their wider family or put myself first and tell my mother to rot in hell!?

So the whole reason you are doing this is because one of your children wants her (and others in her family) in their life?

I understand that your child is unhappy, and that your first instinct as a mum is to fix it, but it sounds like getting her grandmother in her life won't make her happy. It will just make her unhappy in a different way.

How old is your child? Can you have a heart to heart about family history?

can you say why she went nc with the family in the first place as this may again be the reason she is not engaging.
does she has psychological, alcohol or drug dependencies?
how old is your mother now, is dementia a possibility?
is she in an abusive relationship that might be preventing her from contacting the family.

If your child is an adult then you give her the email address and let her contact your mother.

You are NC and by the sounds of it that is a good thing, even though it hurts like hell. Your mum sounds awful and you really shouldn't be apologising at all.

If your adult child wants to contact them then that is her decision to make. You don't have to be involved. My guess is that she will soon realise that NC is best after all.

DD is 20 Trailing so hasn't seen my mother since she was 16. Yes I have a lot of guilt that my DC only have a small, distant number of people in the family on DH's side as opposed to the 30 they have 'lost' on my side including 14 cousins several of similar age to DD.

Outtopasture My mother and siblings are NC with me. I am family scapegoat due to supposed similarity with my absent father and his much hated mother and I confronted my mother with my perception of my childhood when she started on my DS to 'bring him down a peg' as he was excelling at school like I did. He was Siblings decided their loyalty was to her.

Rock I know but DD asked me contact so I could support her.

sorry OP obviously I didn't pick that up.
as suggested let your dd be the one to initiate contact.

Supporting her shouldn't be at a cost to yourself. If she feels like she needs to be supported through this then perhaps she should ask herself if it is really something she should be pursuing.

She is old enough to make this decision and at this point you need to step back and let her. You can be there to pick up the pieces, but this is something she has to go through and learn from herself.

FWIW I have personal experience of being NC and being cut off from family. I have the same guilt about my children but in the end I know that being NC is best for all of us. Should they want to make contact when they are adults I won't stand in their way, but I won't be trying to build bridges on their behalf.

A good rule of thumb here is that if the toxic parent is too difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for your children as well.

Put yourself and in turn your own family unit first. Send that e-mail and give your DD the facts about your family of origin and your treatment within it. She perhaps thinks she can make some approach here to your mother, she being 20 as well so young and idealistic; what she does not realise is that she will be manipulated too. After all they are past masters at doing that.

The mistake you made was to make any sort of contact with your family of origin at all out of some misguided obligation towards your children. Many adult children of such toxic people have FOG in spades (FOG is fear, obligation and guilt). That played its part here.

These people have not changed one bit and your mother is still controlling you completely here via calling you. She is still not making a real effort here and will never do so. She is not going to apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

Your mother also controls your siblings; they sided with her because they did not want to become bullied or otherwise scapegoated themselves. They are enmeshed with their mother.

If you are the family scapegoat then it is more than likely that your DD will also become scapegoated or used by these people to further get back at you.

How much does your DD know about your family of origin; she needs to be given the full facts now. Her curiousity re your family is going to come back and bite you both hard big time.

So you raised the issue of child abuse... You being abused and your mum got upset and cut you off?

In a nutshell Sandy.

I know it sounds completely mad that I still want my DC to be able to have contact with my family. I can't explain it myself. I grew up without aunts, uncles or cousins as my mother fell out with her own family and cut off my father and his family when they divorced when I was 6/7.

Thanks for replying all.

"I know it sounds completely mad that I still want my DC to be able to have contact with my family. I can't explain it myself".

That is because it is completely mad, there is no reasoned logic behind such a decision. If it is for your children then its for the wrong reasons as well. Toxic family members are not worth bothering about if they are unhealthy and your family of origin is deeply dysfunctional. Family are not binding nor thicker than water.

"I grew up without aunts, uncles or cousins as my mother fell out with her own family and cut off my father and his family when they divorced when I was 6/7".

That was not your fault either. Familial dysfunction can continue down the generations; your disordered mother fell out with her own family and went onto cut your father and his family off. You in turn are scapegoated by your mother (a woman who is really not worthy of the term) because you remind her of this man, her ex H that she despises. She made you as his daughter the scapegoat for all her inherent ills. She did not believe you when it came to you being abused and would rather have protected your abuser instead of protecting you. She really did fail you abjectly here.

You and your family unit now really do owe these people nothing.

Since your DD is 20 and her cousins are similar ages, they are adults and can contact each other directly. Social media might be helpful for tracking them down. Encourage your DD to look into it for herself.

This is your DDs thing, not yours.

That's awful.

Your should have told your DD your mum hadn't replied, instead you ended up begging even when you were the victim of abuse.

Your DD needs to do this on her own and you can tell her you support her decision, but you aren't able to be the middle man.

Op, your mother will never change and I'm sure you know that only too well. She rules the roost and anyone who challenges that is ostracized.

I understand you want your children to be part of a large family and if they are like the Larkins in Darling Buds Of May it would be great. But they are not - they sound more like something from a Virginia Andrews novel.

It is interesting that you are not pining for your other parent's family, has your 'D'M conditioned you to think they would not want to know you? She is unlikely to give you an unbiased view.

It was unforgivable of your father to leave you with a monster but it sounds like he may have stood up to her and paid the price. Have you ever tried to connect with your DF's side of the family? They would certainly be aware of how toxic she is and maybe your children would like to meet them. If you decide to try, do not let your maternal relatives know, you do not need their permission to live your life.