Strained sibling relationship, parents pretending everything fine

[Phineyj]

I posted back in February to ask for some advice on improving my strained relationship with my younger sister. We haven't had one big falling out but over the years there have been a number of things that have made it difficult to get on. Most of them could have been sorted out if we had talked about them one to one, but this never happens because my family's method of dealing with conflict is to ignore it and I very rarely get to see DSis on her own anyway (this has been the case ever since she got married). I did meet up with her on our own after my previous post - lots of posters said clear the air and it helped a bit, although she spent all evening talking about herself. Anyway, since then we're back to where we started.

In a nutshell, the situation is that about 95% of keeping up the relationship rests on me and I am too busy (and getting too fed up) to do all the tiptoeing round her many issues and requirements that I used to do, in order to meet up. She suggests that we meet up in her town/at her house, which we do, but she's unwilling to travel to ours. She maybe comes once a year, despite apparently finding it straightforward to travel to DPs, who live further from her than we do. She will meet in central London but there is always a lot of argy-bargy over where, when, what and chopping and changing of arrangements.

If she were a friend rather than my sister I would drop the friendship, because she doesn't even seem to particularly enjoy my company and I constantly feel on edge around her for fear we will have an argument about something and because of all the things I can't mention (she has had a lot of career and life disappointments).

I see her at my DPs from time to time and that is okay, although that makes it even clearer that she has some issue with me as they live further from her than I do. Also, the visits are always arranged by her with DM and DH, DD and I are an afterthought. Basically, we can see them if we can make ourselves available on a particular date.

The problem at the moment is that DD (age 4) is really fond of her cousins and constantly asks when she can see them. I'm at a loss for what to say to her because obviously I don't want to say "we can't see them because I can't stand another 20-message text exchange with DSis which ends up in her cancelling or getting the hump about something anyway".

DM just shuts down any discussion of this situation but also constantly updates me on DSis's news, sends photos of them doing nice activities together, tells me what a lovely time she had babysitting the DGC while DSis and BIL went on a night away, etc (I don't begrudge any of this - DM is lovely to my DD too and sometimes helps us with childcare). DF does this a bit too although at least he had a sibling he didn't get on well with, so he gets that a bit more than DM (only child). However, I find it all upsetting partly because I don't really understand why my DSis has essentially delegated our relationship to DM and also I feel really upset to have been so marginalised in my DNieces' lives.

I feel like I'm in a total non win situation here. What should I do? I'm so fed up on DD's behalf and feel that I've let her down (I didn't have any cousins growing up) and am also fed up with DPs pretending that everything's fine while (probably, unintentionally) rubbing it in my face that they see a lot more of my nieces than I do.

Have I got any options other than pretending everything is fine? DH is so fed up with me going on about this and I can see his point!

You keep pretending and trying and nothing changes so surely that's pretty pointless?

What does your dh think?

Personally I'd take it as her setting the tone and boundries: she's disinterested in you and your family, she doesn't want a relationship with you. That's fine, sad for your dd in regards to cousins but fine.

Besides do you want this kind of strained relationship repeating with dd and her cousins? Given your relationship and that dsis expects you to make all the effort, it's very likely too.

I'd consider going low communication as she obviously wants. If you stop talking about your sister and the cousins to dd then she'll probably lose interest to be honest. Just be honest with your parents: you feel dsis isn't interested in a relationship with you and you are tired of trying to force one her actions are very clear and you are respecting them.

You ask her not to send you lots of photos or you just send back 'that's nice' every time she does until your own disinterest puts her off. You also use 'that's nice' when they talk and change the conversation. So basically it's all civil but disinterested so it's not in your face and you stop feeling pressured.

Thanks. That's useful advice. I have been thinking that it's been over 10 years like this so I really need to get the message. I wouldn't put up with this kind of crapness from a friend. It's a good point that I could be setting DD up for cool relationships later on. I'll think about that.

Good luck Phineyj. It's a horrible position to be in but whatever choice you make will be best for you. Far better to choose to do something or nothing then keep wondering and stressing.

One thing to let go is her going to dps more than to you. That is perfectly understandable as l think we all make more effort to see our parents and that is only right. Your dsis is not going to change here so you could accept seeing her at your dps the odd time and let that be the relationship and not waste much energy on arranging seperate meetups. I wouldnt make any big statements about this to your dps or to her. When you meet her in dps be friendly and then leave it. Leave the ball in her court to plan a get together. If she suggests it just say sure you name the place and l will be there.lf she starts changing venue, time etc just say looks like you're busy lets leave it for now and arrange it again in a few weeks and let her do the planning. Leave it to her. Just let go the fantasy you have of cousins together and maybe as dns get older you can have them to stay . If you are expecting nothing you cant be disappointed. Focus on your dps and your own friends.
My big piece of advice is make no big statements that you are changin. Just do it as you dont want your dps involved and dont want to get isolated from them.

Thanks june - wise advice! I'm not sure everyone prioritises their relationship with their parents over their siblings, but yes in this case that's definitely the case.

I have found this helpful and am going to adopt some of these ideas and things to say.

I have the same problem with my sister, (the elephant in the room is her egocentric husband) - we've lived with this for the past 10 years, it sucked so much life/time out of all us I reached a point where I asked - what's in it for me - Nothing.
Move on, let's face it she wouldn't treat a friend like this so why should she treat you like this, this relationship is toxic and it's bringing you all down. Both my sister and live a long way from our parents and the compromise for us it that our kids meet up at g&gs twice a year (with or without one set of parents - it doesn't bother me that my kids spend time with her and her husband). Contact with her is text/email as and when necessary and all answered politely and perfunctory.
My parents are very upset at this situation (we grew up in a very close family) but they too see the problem, they acknowledge what it is but won't talk about it.
I have two best friends (old school friends) and they and their families are 10 times the loving aunties/uncles to my children than my sister is/was.
Life is short, get the most out it, pass over what gets you down.

It's clear from your post that you would like a better, closer relationship with your sister and that is understandable, but I think you have to accept that she doesn't. There may be a myriad of reasons why not - clash of personalities, difference in attitudes and lifestyle, money and partners. Whatever the reason, I'm sorry to say that you are going to have to learn to accept it.

We would all like to be close to our families, but often that's not possible (or sometimes desirable). I think your husband is right. You have to accept what she is clearly telling you and stop trying to force something that isn't going to happen.

Just for context - I have never been close to my sister. She is as different from me as chalk and cheese. We don't dislike each other, but we are not close and never will be. It's just the way it is.