When does it get easier? (I left 5 months ago)

[meowimacat]

Hi everyone,
I split with my partner of 10 years back in April, we have children together. Basically to put it briefly, we just drifted apart and he pushed me to the point that I couldn't be with him any more. I was miserable, he was miserable - he hated our life and didn't want to spend any time with me or the kids.

He clearly didn't want to be in the relationship either but then once it was over he regretted everything he'd done, but by then it was too late for me.

Anyway, tonight he has the kids and I'm on my own. He's cut off contact with me too so that's slightly hurtful as I don't even get updates about the kids (I'm sure I could if I demanded one.) I usually have to speak through his parents if I want to discuss anything kid related - I have a great relationship with them luckily, although slightly strained due to the separation.

But I just feel sad about everything. I didn't want to split or become a single mum.
I can't take him back as we just would never work and I don't regret my decision. But I'm also still mourning everything and the decision I feel I was forced to make.

When does it get easier? I tried to date but it was definitely too early for me. I'm not interested in anyone yet and I obviously need time alone, but it's also very lonely and I miss companionship. I have lots of hobbies and am very busy usually. I guess tonight I cancelled plans for once and had time to think.

Just wondering who is in a similar situation or hopefully a happier one now that can make me feel like things will get better. x

It gets easier. I can't give you a time frame, but it does.

I can't give a time frame because when I split (from a longer relationship than yours), I was dealing with other stresses as well - don't want to get into details on here as the combination could be outing, but there was a combination of major personal, bereavement of a parent and work related pressures that led to me being signed off for months with anxiety, so understandably that took a significant amount of time (over 2 years years tbh) to work through.

But I can tell you that my life has transformed as a result. I am SO much happier (still single) and the work I am doing now is so much more rewarding - I have been able to make decisions for my life based on what is best for me, and not what fits in best with the family. And know that kids are much better off with happy single parents than unhappy together ones.

You'll get through this, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Hi OP - I'm in the process of doing this and am worried about the loneliness but I just can't stay with him anymore. Try to remember how you felt that was so bad you knew you had to leave the marriage. The constant wrangling in your head to stay or to go. If he didn't want to be involved with you and the kids (mine was the same for years) did you not feel like a single parent already? Try to stay positive - you still have your kids to look after and it must be a relief not to have the cloud of a bad relationship over you all. You might not be happy at the moment but you weren't happy then either. At least you have the chance to get happier - you wouldn't if you had stayed with him

For me it took about 2 years to start feeling normal again and "myself." I don't think you realise how much you're getting better until you look back after so long and compare then to now. It just sort of creeps up on you.

Even though life scares me now being solely in charge of the bills with no back up from a dh and it's on my shoulders for everything to not fall apart, I would rather that then life I had with my ex dh.

Thanks everyone, that really helps to know that it will get better. I'm so much happier already, and have started to regain friendships and my life again (he basically didn't want me going out or seeing anyone etc)

I feel like the old me again. But there is also a deep sadness to obviously ending something and breaking up my family.

Frenchlady14 all I will say is LEAVE if you aren't happy. It was the best decision I have ever made even if it's tough and there are lonely times - I would much rather be lonely on my own as there is nothing worse than being with someone and feeling lonely!

It was probably about 18 months for me after 15 years together. Once I'd undone everything in terms of stuff in joint names, financial disclosure for the divorce etc. I felt more free if that makes sense.

I started on FBs very quickly though but had no interest in dating or establishing a deep connection with anyone.

I also struggled with each first anniversary alone. First date, buying the house, wedding anniversary etc. Once I got through a year of those it helped too.

Hi OP: I left nearly 7 months ago. 21 years, 2 kids. I was happy for most of our relationship although there was always issues, it became emotionally abusive and his mental health isn't good. I left because my mental health was suffering trying to prop him up and his anger and anxiety destroyed what i felt for him. Its very sad, I still love him but I know I cannot go back. I am much happier and so are the kids, he too seems a bit better.

I would say the last month I have started to feel better, I still cry every few days and am still grieving a relationship I was in for life. I celebrate the small things I can now do, and feeling comfortable in my own home again. The guilt is a bitch, but with the support of great family and friends we are both getting there. yesterday we had a meal together and was the first time it felt calm and not full of anger or resentment.

He was essentially my best friend and knew me better than anyone, although in the last 3 years it didn't feel like that.

Its gets easier, day by day. You'll get there.