Relative making hurtful comments

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My close relative has had three major upsets in their life the last few years.

Ill heath, domestic violence and job difficulties.

I've tried to be supportive but often end up upsetting them and accused of being tactless, insensitive and uncaring.

Hurtful comments are made. This week they've been hard to handle. I love this person and see the truth in the comments they make. I worry that I'll snap and retaliate.

I know they are struggling, fragile and vulnerable at the moment and I want to continue supporting them.

Any strategies/advice?

Talk little, let them lead the conversation. Just let them know you are around if they need support and maybe back off a little. For your sanity, take regular breaks from that person and keep reminding yourself that they may not be as nice as usual due to stress. If you can see truth in their comments, address it but remember you're not perfect. I sounds like you are caring and considerate as a person, don't beat yourself up.

All the best

Is your need to support this person more about you and meeting your own needs?. Why are you doing this? Are you a rescuer or saviour type of person?.

May I ask who the relation is; is it a close family member like your mother, father or one of your siblings?.

Who else is trying to help this person if anyone?. I do not think you are the right person to be supporting this difficult relation. If you really want to help I would leave this person alone and let them seek their own help. This person does not want your help and support and you in turn are not their whipping boy nor their therapist.

At the very least you need to apply and maintain your own boundaries re this individual. If you do not you could be too easily sucked into their life.

Dont put this persons needs above your own. If you need a break, take it. Or if you need support, seek it out.

You cant risk your own mental well being. Thats no good for either of you.

Thanks. I think saying less is something to try.

I love this person as though I was their mother and took care of them when they were little. The parents are not supportive. They are the stiff upper lip type. I don't want to lie on mumsnet but fear giving out too many details as female relatives and friends do use this site and I would hate them to know private stuff.

I am a bit of a rescuer but am unwilling to abandon them. I fear what they would do and really wouldn't want to. We are very close. we only really had each other to rely on when we were young. I am older by 5 years.

They have been having counselling since the diagnosis and then for dv. They have been suicidal.

I thought you were a rescuer type; please for your own sake here back right away from this person before you get dragged down with them.

How would you feel if you learned that you absolutely could not rescue this person?.

You may perhaps feel something like "utterly powerless." And that is the feeling that you as the Rescuer has been running from all your life. But utter powerlessness is the correct adult response to someone else's problem. The problem belongs to them. And the minute the rescuer dons the cape and tights and picks up the person and the problem to fly them to safety, that's the minute in which the problem has ceased to be solved. The only way for a person to solve his or her problem is first to own it. Owning it means taking complete responsibility for it. That doesn't mean blaming self or others, it means clearly recognizing these two things:-

The only time I call it a problem is when it's a problem for me.

If it's a problem for me, then I have to take responsibility for understanding it and solving it.

If instead, someone else picks up the problem to solve it, then the person who needs to own the problem has stopped owning it, ergo, the problem is not being solved. Therefore, what the Rescuer must come to terms with is the simple fact that she is not playing rescuer because she's stronger and more capable of solving another's problem. Rather, she is playing rescuer because that seems to work to eliminate that terrible feeling of utter powerlessness. This feeling was the original feeling from childhood that set the entire Rescuer identity in motion. And until it is recognized as valid and true, the knee jerk reaction will be to attempt rescue.

If reading this causes you great frustration and consternation, and the need to argue that people can be saved, consider the source of your feelings.

After the hurtful comments are made I keep my distance for a while. Our relationship is suffering.

In the past any sharp comments have been mostly indirectly apologised for by presents or other treats. It was much easier to be open about them. Now I get no acknowledgement of them and they are much more hurtful. I'm not sure how aware they are of what they are doing. Talking about them is a minefield.

Atilla thinking about your posts and it strikes a cord. I realise I cannot solve their problems.

They are in a bad place. I felt like I was strong enough to handle the meanness but it;s getting worse. I do need to back off.