2 year old dealing with not seeing her dad

[GrampieRabbit]

I broke up with DDs dad last year, he was abusive and has uncontrolled mental health issues and drug problems. He was seeing her under the supervision of family. A few weeks ago he threatened to strangle me whilst dropping her off, so this has led to me getting a non molestation order. Social services agreed with me that a contact centre would be most appropriate going ahead. He broke the non mol last weekend by sending me threatening texts, so got arrested and missed the meeting with the woman who was supposed to be setting up contact centre access. She said it'll be at least another month before she'll try again.

I'm really worried about DD. She's not really spoke about him - her speech isn't massively advanced, but she'll often say 'grandad where are you' 'I go nannys house' etc but there been nothing about him. But she's not her usual happy self.

We just got back from a family festival day, she was miserable the whole time. She cried non stop at a nursery friend's party yesterday. Then barely enjoyed herself afterwards at the beach, which she usually loves. She's happier pottering around indoors, but not by much. She's so whingey and moany and tearful. She's usually a really happy little soul.

Obviously she saw him threaten to strangle me, and the altercation that followed (he wouldn't leave, I had to call the police). And now she's not seeing him at all. He doesn't seem to care btw, he's kicking off because of all these imagined affairs I'm having with all of his friends , not because of not seeing her. But she does love him very much.

Would the feelings of losing her dad manifest themselves in this way? Or is it just terrible twos? It's so difficult at this age - if she was bigger I could talk to her and reassure her but I'm not sure what to do to make it better. Has anyone got any ideas of how to handle this? I'm also very conscious that his particular mental health issue is often hereditary, and the best way to prevent her getting it is to provide a secure and happy childhood. So that's what I'm doing my best to provide but I can't force him to engage with SS, and it's probably best he doesn't. But how to explain that to a very young child?

At 2 I don't think you should be even trying to explain anything unless she asks.

I agree she's far too little to even begin to understand what's going on but probably realises something is. . What he does is out of your hands. You need to concentrate on providing a stable and happy home.

Explain was the wrong word. But do you think she's acting so sad because of this? That was my main question.

She might be, or she might not. You can't know. What you CAN do is give her what she's crying out for, which is stability and security.

I left abusive exh when my son was 18mo, he could speak very well by then. He didn't ask for him once. He has no memory of him. He turned from a shy, reserved child into the most confident and outgoing little guy. I fully believe this was due to him finally having a calm environment, something we never had when exh was around.

I'm sure she'll settle down in time and tbh, I'd be wanting her to forget about him altogether. He really doesn't care about her and he's terribly dangerous.

I do want him out of her life forever, absolutely. He is extremely dangerous. I'm absolutely terrified, all day, every day. Debating a refuge, but that's not great for stability and security.

Mine hasn't seen hers (for similar reasons) since she was 2. She is now 8. Barely ever mentions him and probably has no memory.

Don't stress over this. She is probably just under the weather. So many bugs around.

She's only 2 but old enough to sense that something's going on, old enough to miss someone, old enough to notice changes in routine (him not being there). All you can do is stay positive around her, her routine has probably changed and she's still getting used to the way things are now. I'm sure she will soon be back to her normal self. 2 year olds often have mood changes, it's a funny age so it may not be linked to all the changes going on.

How was she beforecshe got to watch someone threaten to kill her mum?

How was she beforecshe got to watch someone threaten to kill her mum?

Happy, like I said. Is that some sort of dig? Because I certainly didn't provoke or deserve it; I've gone and am going through hell to try and keep us both safe.

No it's not a dig. Don't you think, though, that it is that which is preying on her mind, rather than missing her worthless-arse father?

She is 2. You are her whole world and you are terrified, all the time. She knows that, no two ways about it.

Get out, get away, get to where you can feel safe. Nothing is more important to her than yo being and feeling safe.

Just wanted to reassure you that my two year old goes through stages like this. Not sure if it's developmental or teething or just being cross because she can't communicate as well as she'd like. I think it's normal. They do pick up on our feelings though so look after yourself.

It sounds like you have had a horrendous time, well done for getting you and your DD out of it. Is counselling for you an option?

But she's not really out of it, is she? And OP doesn't need counselling to stop feeling scsred. She's scared for good reason.

I will be going to counselling once I'm back at uni. Reassured that other 2 year olds have phases like that. Thanks

Do you think I should go to a refuge, then? It would mean leaving my job, my university course, my family, my friends, my lovely home.

He just needs to breach it once more and he'll definitely be remanded and then go to prison. But obviously that one breach could be life threatening. I'm obviously locking my windows and doors. The CPS recommended he get remanded at court this week, but the judge disagreed (after two incidents in as many weeks ). ATM I'm just on tenterhooks waiting for him to show up, but all the professionals keep telling me that it only needs to happen once, then we'll be free and safe.

I don't know. A couple of weeks ago I was sure a refuge was the best way, but you're the only person I've talked to who agrees with that. SS, my GP, my family and friends all think I'm much better to stick it out so I can keep my support system, and finish my last year at uni. I really don't know what to do for the best. A mutual friend said he's sorting his life out now, so no need to worry, but it was only last week I was receiving crack cocaine fuelled text messages threatening to come to my house

I'm desperate to do what's best for my daughter, believe me. The main reason I want to stay close to my family is because of how much they love her, and she loves them, and they're more than happy to provide childcare etc. The main reason I'm determined to finish uni is so I can get a good job to give her a good life. She's absolutely in the forefront of my mind whilst making all decisions. But I just don't know what would be best for her.

God you poor thing. I have just separated from my husband. Our daughter is almost 4 and I am just trying to be stable and happy. My h was unpredictable, but nothing like you are having to do with.

I've no advice to offer OP, but so long as you are ok, your DD will be ok.

I didn't mean that counselling would magically help all op's problems, just that someone threatening to strangle you sounds terrifying and if it were me I'd want to talk it through.

OP, I'm sorry if you thought my post was minimising your current experience and I hope you are ok. Of course being safe is the most important thing. You sound like a great mum btw. I'm glad you have good support from your family.

I remember your other thread, I do think you should follow the advice of your support network and stick at everything your doing now. Don't give it all up.

Your daughter will understandably be scared after what she saw, I'm sure over time she will forget it as she's very young.